sigh

I can't seem to fall out of love with you no matter how much time passes, no matter what has happened or what's been said. I love you and I miss you. 

Dreaming and waking

Been having the strangest dreams in the past week. The same person is always in them and when I wake up I can't seem to shake that person out of my head. I think my subconscious is trying to tell me to deal with unresolved situations in a time in my life when so much is being resolved so absolutely. Then again it's possible that they're just dreams and I am reading too much into it but I heard a song today that made me think that maybe just maybe your dreaming of me too. But if you don't dream of me, don't think of me, if there is nothing there, than I will not regret what time I had with you. I will remember it kindly and realize that sometimes, dreams are just dreams like little movies playing in your head while you sleep. Waking however, will be a bit sadder for that realization. 

I wonder

I wonder if anyone at all realizes the toll all of this takes on me? People expect me to be there when they need me for money, a place to live, moral, emotional support, encouragement, pay their bills, food, nicotine, etc. But does anyone ever stop to realize the financial and emotional exhaustion that I feel having to be everyone else's rock? Does anyone stop to consider how mentally draining it is to me to constantly have to pick up other people's pieces? Does anyone ever stop to consider that I fall to pieces too? Is there just one person that stops to consider how I feel when someone I love purposefully acts malicious to me because of their own insecurity, again and again but then expects me to give 110% when they need me.

I am so completely tired, exhausted from others expectations. Just want to crawl under the covers and stay there. I don't want to hear the words "Want, need" ever again.

Going to sleep.
Becky 

I will not....

I will not be there when you fall down and I will not be there as your fail safe, fall back individual any longer. I am not going to be there to make you feel good about the person that you are when you constantly make me feel like less than what I am. You take my kindness, my unconditional true love, my loyalty and my compromising for granted for the last time. You keep looking for the greener grass on the other side of the fence than please by all means, stay on that side of the fence and stop coming back to my side. I'm tired of one day having you tell me things that make my heart soar and then you destroy it with one blow and have no sense that what you have said or done would hurt me. How could you be so inconsiderate a person? How could you have so little regard for me, my feelings, or my humanity? How do you justify that????

And I'm just the stupid fucking sucker that's believed in you.

I'm the dupe that thought because I saw something good in you that it was true.

Truth is sometimes cruel.

Becky

Ghosts and Goodbyes

I can’t look anywhere in this, my small piece of the World, without having the memories bombard me. Lying next to you in bed, talking until the Dawn’s first light, Making love uninhibited, you and I walking  hand in hand across the lot to begin an adventure, Snuggled on the couch watching television on a rainy day, Seeing you walking up my walk and anticipating you walking through my door, The first glimpse of you when I wake. There is no respite here from the cascade of memories. I can’t seem to escape the ghost of “Us”.

I wish that it were just in this confined space that I encounter these ghosts but everywhere I go there you are, invading my present with our past. Time is supposed to heal all wounds but these wounds have grown worse with every moment passed. I have not recovered, I have covered up and hidden the true damage done to the very core of my being. I have painted on smiles with every stroke of lipstick, hidden the pain reflected in my eyes with the darkest of eyeliners and distracted prying eyes with the most revealing of clothing. How very ironic, isn’t it?

Under the guise of friendship I have kept you in my world because sometimes, something is better than nothing. In the end it has just made it more difficult to repair myself. I should have just walked away completely, but I was not that strong. I couldn’t stand to say goodbye, couldn’t bear the thought of losing you so completely. I wanted to hold on to any little piece of you that I could so that my heart would not shatter into so many sharp, tiny, fragile shards. In the end it was you that shut and locked the door on us so thoroughly. Oh, how easy you made that seem, to just walk out of my life without a backwards glance, to begin your life fresh, easy breezy. Goodbye is such an easy word to say but so hard an action to accomplish when love alters ones inner self completely as it does me.

It’s time for me to leave all of this behind me. I have to let go of the memories, the ghosts that haunt me every moment of every single day. I have to say goodbye to this place and its torment. It’s time to pack my bags and begin a new life somewhere with no past just a future to look forward to. I have to do this to save myself from getting lost in this depressing abyss. I say goodbye to you in order to say hello to a new beginning. It is time to think about what is good for me.

In the deepest recess of my heart I wish that you would come to me wanting to leave together or ask me to stay for you but if I have learned one thing from you it is that fairy tales don’t exist and happily ever after is just the last sentence in a pretty story.  

Becky

I don't get it?

There are times when I am forced to take a good long look at something that will upset me. Generally I can do this and get through it but there are times when it's too much and I snap. It's like getting kicked in the chest or falling and you knock the wind out of your lungs. I can't breathe. Eventually I get my air back, recover but there's always that moment that I start to think about it and as is my way, I try to make sense of it. I analyze the situation front to back, inside and out. I try to put myself in the opposite position, to see it from different perspectives. I take into consideration all points of view. There are times like now that make this impossible. Because it doesn't make sense at all. If someone offered you a Porterhouse Steak or a Big Mac, you'd take the steak every time. Why then would you settle for a woman that is my inferior, why choose someone that is obviously not even in my league, financially, intellectually, physically? Why choose a knock off when you could have the Couture? Makes no sense to me. I think I am truly beginning to hate men. Or at least all the ones that I know. Time to meet new ones and kick these morons in the ass. I will not sit around waiting while you take advantage of my easy going nature. And I will not be here when you realize that you made a mistake, again. I will be long gone...........

Becky

Changing my stars

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that my luck and my stars have changed. Since Saturday life has been allot cheerier place :) We'll see I suppose. But for now I am content and I'm just going to continue to be easy breezy because there is absolutely no point in stressing about things that I can not control, nor do I want to control. I'm smiling right now and that is all that matters :)

Bex