Chaos and Candy Hearts

Welcome Faithful Readers! You are already familiar with Chaos and Candy, I'd like to introduce you to Chaos and Candy Hearts. I hope that you will be as faithful to this page as you are to my other. Let me first tell you that the reason for the separate blog is that I enjoy writing my witty little take on things around me, current events, politics and all that jazz but I don't feel comfortable putting my inner turbulence, emotions, creative writings in that forum. To me the two don't always mix well. And I'm sure that some of my readers aren't interested in some of the more emotional blogs that I've written. Allot of times if I don't get my feelings out of my head then I self destruct, this will hopefully prevent that. Now there are times when I have referenced people that I am in a relationship with, people that have feelings for me, so on and so forth and I've been blasted for it. I will not use real names unless given permission. Except in the instance of certain individuals, Dave and best friends in general. If you don't want to know what I'm feeling, don't read it. No one is forcing you to be here, there's the door isn't it pretty, use it. My goal in this blog is not for your benefit it's for mine. Having said that, I do hope that there are at least some people in the Universe interested in me as an individual, as a humanish creature, as an individual that is always ruled by my emotions. It's the core element in my being, my emotions.

I've found that my feelings are very much so more intense than most every one else on this spinning ball of mud, a fact that sometimes makes my individuality that much more isolating and lonely. People in general take that intensity in the wrong context, throw a label on me and move on with out getting to know how it works, how I work. I'm not the crazy girl in Wedding Crashers, I'm not Michael Douglas in Falling Down. I will not tell you that I love in you in 5 days or less and I will not stab you in your sleep because you didn't call me. I will not send you 47 texts or stalk you. Intensity in the context of my emotions does mean that I tend to feel things more deeply than most people. Over the years I've discovered ways to channel that excess of emotion into my creative endeavors, among other things and it has become easier to be me. Discovering certain things about myself and the way that I process my feelings has led to a level of self awareness that is empowering. I have never been so very comfortable in my own skin, my core of being is a very peaceful place. It's taken allot of struggle and allot of heartache to get to this place but I made it.

It still disturbs my zen when I get someone that doesn't take the time to actually get to know me, assumes and then tosses me away. Very rarely does this bother me as most people just don't affect me at all, for that reason alone I don't find it personally offensive. However the brush with that back in October is still having a bit of a backlash. I'm still angry a bit by that whole situation not because it hurt me but because that person projected their insecurity, fear, and self esteem issues on to me, twisted and tried to make it my fault in the lamest way possible to avoid feeling the guilt and taking personal responsibility for their own feelings. The part that does make me feel bad is that I lost a friend of 20 years, but obviously I thought more of friendship in general because he's the one that discarded it.

I think that you would be surprised by how often the individuality not just in physical appearance but in personality isolates me from other people. Why don't I just conform my appearance and bury my feelings and outspoken intense personality, you ask? A reasonable question. Because I can't. It physically and emotionally is painful for me to attempt it. Because I won't. I've changed my whole being for others, I've changed for professional reasons and I don't believe it's necessary for me to change the person that I am, I refuse to sacrifice my whole being for anything or anyone. I have no need to be accepted by a society that will judge me by my physical appearance and not by that which truly matters such as my ability to love unconditionally, my honor, loyalty without limitations, friendship without boundaries. These are the things that matter, the beauty of my soul not the color of my hair, my honesty and respect not my nail polish. I want people to look at these values that I would die for, to look deeper without preconceived prejudice. But if they choose not to love me for my individuality and discard me for societal discriminations than I honestly could care less because obviously they aren't worth my minimum level of attention.

I do have a specific blog I would like to write in reference to a friends decision that's somehow getting laid at my feet but I've been writing all day and I need a break now, lol.

Haven't come up with a good closing line for this blog yet, any ideas?

Bex