There are times when look at him and wonder if this isn't one of my dreams. He's too beautiful to really exist in my world isn't he? There's always so much chaos and destruction around me that true beauty in it's purest is something that I never thought that I'd get to touch again, yet here he is. Didn't know when I took this path that it would lead me here and if someone had told me I don't know that I would have believed them or come this way. As hard as it is sometimes to just blindly accept and to learn to be partners, I wouldn't trade any moment that I've had with him.
He's the best daydream that I've ever had.
Becky
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
There are little things
There are so many little things that he does that make me happy. This morning there was coffee when I woke up, he knew that I didn't feel well so he kept everyone away from me, he called me on his break, last night he took care of all the dirty dishes and this morning emptied the dishwasher. I know that he thinks these are minor things that are insignificant but to me it's the thought that counts. And I truly believe whether consciously or not he does these things because he loves me.
My dad and I had a long discussion about this. I'm so use to being in an emotional climate that it doesn't dawn on me that not everyone has been exposed to an open emotional environment. Our family was always a very open family, we were all very close, if we had something to say than we said it and if we felt something we expressed it. Not all families are close and I never thought of it that way. I just figured he was broken by so many years of hard living, which I still believe in a way but now I realize the distance and emotional denial are just because he's not use to the same environment as I am. It would be blissful if we could find a happy middle ground to thrive on but I think that will take some time.
I still have those days of debilitating self doubt and insecurity. I'm trying to control that but it's proving difficult because I'm not use to having to word myself carefully and I am without a doubt probably the worst person at communicating. Not to mention the fact that you throw someone that's over emotional into close proximity of an unemotional person or emotionally closed off person and yeah, there are clashes. Big huge personality clashes.
The above times are becoming fewer as time goes on. Recently there have been more times where he looks at me or touches me and I know, just know absolutely no doubts that he is in love with me. I've found that these moments mean more to me than if he were to actually say the words. I think anyone can say I love you and not mean it but to make someone know that you love them with just a look, that means more than any words he could say to me. I am completely happy in those moments and could spend forever in the memory of them if not in them at the time.
In one hour my baby will be coming home from work and he will come in and watch the rest of the Yankees game with me and my world will be at peace and complete. Feels like forever until then,
Becky
My dad and I had a long discussion about this. I'm so use to being in an emotional climate that it doesn't dawn on me that not everyone has been exposed to an open emotional environment. Our family was always a very open family, we were all very close, if we had something to say than we said it and if we felt something we expressed it. Not all families are close and I never thought of it that way. I just figured he was broken by so many years of hard living, which I still believe in a way but now I realize the distance and emotional denial are just because he's not use to the same environment as I am. It would be blissful if we could find a happy middle ground to thrive on but I think that will take some time.
I still have those days of debilitating self doubt and insecurity. I'm trying to control that but it's proving difficult because I'm not use to having to word myself carefully and I am without a doubt probably the worst person at communicating. Not to mention the fact that you throw someone that's over emotional into close proximity of an unemotional person or emotionally closed off person and yeah, there are clashes. Big huge personality clashes.
The above times are becoming fewer as time goes on. Recently there have been more times where he looks at me or touches me and I know, just know absolutely no doubts that he is in love with me. I've found that these moments mean more to me than if he were to actually say the words. I think anyone can say I love you and not mean it but to make someone know that you love them with just a look, that means more than any words he could say to me. I am completely happy in those moments and could spend forever in the memory of them if not in them at the time.
In one hour my baby will be coming home from work and he will come in and watch the rest of the Yankees game with me and my world will be at peace and complete. Feels like forever until then,
Becky
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Easier
Since making the decision to just accept our life together, it's been allot more comfortable. Life has become easier, more relaxing, natural. I think that by constantly tripping over my own defenses I was actually setting off bot of our defenses. Once I let it go, happiness happened. I still have my moments of debilitating self doubt but they're getting easier to dismiss. I think this has been one of those milestones of emotional growth that people are always telling me about lol!
Till next time,
Bex
Till next time,
Bex
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Confusing and irritating
I don't understand half of what's going on in my life currently. And I have to say it has made me laugh because as much as I can't communicate to my bf, I can dump it all out to Dave. I think because with Dave there isn't an immediate hit on my defenses. Like I said on my other blog, I have an issue with having to know all the boundaries in my life and I have to be in control of all aspects of my life. But trying to keep my iron grip is like gripping sand recently.
I know what I want out of this. I want a partner, a mate to run through life's little adventures with me. I want to share my life with him. He makes me happy. I like our conversations, our laughs, watching cartoons and listening to Savage with him. What I don't like is that he holds all the control. This will end on his terms, when he chooses. I don't know which makes me sadder, that he will be able to just walk away while I will be destroyed by this or that he knows this and is counting on it.
I told him that I needed him to leave the other day because it hurts too much to be in love someone that won't love you and be faced with that 24/7. But being the coward that I am, I took it back. I don't know why.
It's all so confusing. To be this in love with someone, this happy and comfortable but also feel so utterly miserable because the feelings aren't reciprocated in a way that makes me happy. Dave say's that I have to decide wether to just accept this situation as it is, unquestioningly accept tony as is ands just be happy or decide to end it now on my terms. Either way it hurts regardless. It's not in my nature to just blindly accept something. I analyze, it's what I do to just accept a situation with no idea of where it's going, what it is or will be, how it will play out, I don't know that I'm capable of doing that. As it is, almost everything is already in his control. Showing affection, physicality, all when he chooses it. If it were up to me, I'd be curled in his lap all day, I'd spend all day in bed with him. I have no outlet for emotions with him. He's pushed me away so many times now that I'm terrified to make a move because I hate the rejection. It makes me want to scream sometimes that I can name 10 people right off the top of my head that would kill to share my life, my bed, my love and if I'm so unattractive to you why are you here at all??? Is it that your so comfortable that you could care less how all this makes me feel, is it that shallow of an explanation? I just wish I understood, if it's me say it's me and I'll get past it and be cool till he can find a place. If it's not me then for god's sake grab me, hold me, love me until I believe that it truly isn't me. Throw me a bone damn it, give me at least part of an explanation as to wtf this is! He is broken, jaded, defensive and insecure as am I but I would never have control over his heart break and just sit back and watch it happen. Honestly I probably could accept this situation blindly as long as I felt I could love him with out the fear of being pushed away and told no. If I felt that I could be affectionate to him on my terms, this would be a happy unknown that I walk into but as it is right now it's just stressful and uncertain.
And to just compound all of this, it's immpossible for me to communicate any of this. In a perfect Bex World, he would read this understand it and make an honest effort to let my affection run free. This will not happen, there is no happy ending in this, no compromise will occur, I will continue to try to grip sand and he will continue to be oblivious to all needs except his. Why did I have to fall in love? Why did he stay and make me love him?
I know what I want out of this. I want a partner, a mate to run through life's little adventures with me. I want to share my life with him. He makes me happy. I like our conversations, our laughs, watching cartoons and listening to Savage with him. What I don't like is that he holds all the control. This will end on his terms, when he chooses. I don't know which makes me sadder, that he will be able to just walk away while I will be destroyed by this or that he knows this and is counting on it.
I told him that I needed him to leave the other day because it hurts too much to be in love someone that won't love you and be faced with that 24/7. But being the coward that I am, I took it back. I don't know why.
It's all so confusing. To be this in love with someone, this happy and comfortable but also feel so utterly miserable because the feelings aren't reciprocated in a way that makes me happy. Dave say's that I have to decide wether to just accept this situation as it is, unquestioningly accept tony as is ands just be happy or decide to end it now on my terms. Either way it hurts regardless. It's not in my nature to just blindly accept something. I analyze, it's what I do to just accept a situation with no idea of where it's going, what it is or will be, how it will play out, I don't know that I'm capable of doing that. As it is, almost everything is already in his control. Showing affection, physicality, all when he chooses it. If it were up to me, I'd be curled in his lap all day, I'd spend all day in bed with him. I have no outlet for emotions with him. He's pushed me away so many times now that I'm terrified to make a move because I hate the rejection. It makes me want to scream sometimes that I can name 10 people right off the top of my head that would kill to share my life, my bed, my love and if I'm so unattractive to you why are you here at all??? Is it that your so comfortable that you could care less how all this makes me feel, is it that shallow of an explanation? I just wish I understood, if it's me say it's me and I'll get past it and be cool till he can find a place. If it's not me then for god's sake grab me, hold me, love me until I believe that it truly isn't me. Throw me a bone damn it, give me at least part of an explanation as to wtf this is! He is broken, jaded, defensive and insecure as am I but I would never have control over his heart break and just sit back and watch it happen. Honestly I probably could accept this situation blindly as long as I felt I could love him with out the fear of being pushed away and told no. If I felt that I could be affectionate to him on my terms, this would be a happy unknown that I walk into but as it is right now it's just stressful and uncertain.
And to just compound all of this, it's immpossible for me to communicate any of this. In a perfect Bex World, he would read this understand it and make an honest effort to let my affection run free. This will not happen, there is no happy ending in this, no compromise will occur, I will continue to try to grip sand and he will continue to be oblivious to all needs except his. Why did I have to fall in love? Why did he stay and make me love him?
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