I keep thinking I'll wake up and this will all have been a dream. I fell in love with my high school sweetheart, how is that really happening? It's honestly SO good that it's scaring me. I've always been a passionate person but the love I have for Jason is so fierce and passionate that it's unsettling to me because I'm so use to constantly controlling my emotions. He has managed to throw my whole carefully constructed World on end. I'm doing things, saying things, feeling things that I never would or have in the past because it would throw off my controlled environment. But now, with Jason, everything has become different, I have NO control! For once, there's a reason, a purpose to life beyond existing. I can't explain, there are no words or expressions that seem to fit. Frustrating when your entire life is based on expression of the written word to be so speechless. It's the first time that sex has been an emotional experience, the first time I've cared what another person thought of me, the first time I have thought of someone other than myself, the first time I've thought about seriously spending my life with someone, sharing my life not just okay your here, I'm here, let's do life, the first time I've wanted the future that I see possible with all of my being, the first time that I've prayed that this is really real. Please God, don't let this be a lesson, please let this be everything that I want it to be.
I've spent time with his family and every time that I do, it's like seeing what life SHOULD have been, what it could be. A real family that loves each other, that wants to spend time together, that has accepted me without question just because Jason loves me. What would that be like? What would that be like to be accepted just.......because your you? Can you imagine a love like that because I've only read about it. And that is exactly what this whole situation is, something I've read about, dreamed about, fantasized of having but never real in my world. Could a fairytale be real? Could it be real AND happening to me??? I don't deserve something so.....perfect.
And what happens if it doesn't happen in real life? What then? I can't afford to think about that for a second, it wrecks me completely just as a fleeting thought. This whole situation feels like an nihilistic nightmare, an existential conundrum. Every reason I thought I had, everything I did not believe in, have faith in, every little thing I opposed, is wiped away....with one look into his eyes, those incredible, soul bearing blue eyes. One touch will send me into a complete, total spiral of my World's utter nuclear destruction. How is it that one insignificant piece of my past can do this to Bex?? Well, okay, insignificant is the wrong word. He's been obviously significant. I was just looking through some of my pictures today and it dawned on me that my exes look suspiciously, very much like him, always wondered why I was so attracted to blue eyes and brown hair, lol.
Okay, so, yes I'm rambling however, now you understand exactly what I'm talking about when I say I'm thrown under the bus by Jason. See how thoroughly I am rendered incompetent by a man??? That's one of the things that really throws me off my game and fucks my entire Universe, it's a man. A man no different than any of the 7 BILLION people on the planet! He is no different, no better, no worse than I am. Why does he spin me whole World out so exhaustively, out of it's orbit?
And trust me, it is exhausting to watch something I've so painstakingly built for so many decades, be dismantled so decisively, so quickly!!! Fuck me, I'm screwed!!!
I've spent time with his family and every time that I do, it's like seeing what life SHOULD have been, what it could be. A real family that loves each other, that wants to spend time together, that has accepted me without question just because Jason loves me. What would that be like? What would that be like to be accepted just.......because your you? Can you imagine a love like that because I've only read about it. And that is exactly what this whole situation is, something I've read about, dreamed about, fantasized of having but never real in my world. Could a fairytale be real? Could it be real AND happening to me??? I don't deserve something so.....perfect.
And what happens if it doesn't happen in real life? What then? I can't afford to think about that for a second, it wrecks me completely just as a fleeting thought. This whole situation feels like an nihilistic nightmare, an existential conundrum. Every reason I thought I had, everything I did not believe in, have faith in, every little thing I opposed, is wiped away....with one look into his eyes, those incredible, soul bearing blue eyes. One touch will send me into a complete, total spiral of my World's utter nuclear destruction. How is it that one insignificant piece of my past can do this to Bex?? Well, okay, insignificant is the wrong word. He's been obviously significant. I was just looking through some of my pictures today and it dawned on me that my exes look suspiciously, very much like him, always wondered why I was so attracted to blue eyes and brown hair, lol.
Okay, so, yes I'm rambling however, now you understand exactly what I'm talking about when I say I'm thrown under the bus by Jason. See how thoroughly I am rendered incompetent by a man??? That's one of the things that really throws me off my game and fucks my entire Universe, it's a man. A man no different than any of the 7 BILLION people on the planet! He is no different, no better, no worse than I am. Why does he spin me whole World out so exhaustively, out of it's orbit?
And trust me, it is exhausting to watch something I've so painstakingly built for so many decades, be dismantled so decisively, so quickly!!! Fuck me, I'm screwed!!!
