Doing better

I know that i keep saying that and then falling back but I'm doing pretty damn good right now :)

Canales in Liverpool

Boycott Canale's restaurant in Liverpool as they refused to donate even a lunch for 4 Marines on funeral detail that have to pay for expenses out of pocket. Manager said it "Wasn't their problem" WTF????

4 am

Not being able to sleep is bad enough however, getting sucked into 2 of the worst chick flicks ever made is actually so much more tragic. Today was Tony's birthday. I had tickets for us to go to NYC but when he acted out at me last week, I knew he'd never come back and I got rid of them. I keep hoping to look outside and see him pull up or hear a knock at the door and have him want to talk or get a call telling me that he wants to come home. I know it won't happen. Just makes 4 am so much harder admitting it.

Waves

It hits me in waves. Waves of sadness that over take me and threaten to pull me under. Suddenly my chest stops working, my throat closes and I can't breathe as the pain washes over me, drops me to the floor, wish I could catch my breath and sob it out but it's trapped in the chasm that once was my heart.

Trying so hard to fill the void, distract myself with shiny. Doesn't work, makes the emptiness that much more vivid. Keep wishing that you would just come home, realize that this is your home, we are your family, we love you, I love you. It was never about control, you try to believe that lie that you tell yourself but you know that it isn't true. I never wanted you to be anything but yourself, to let go of the facade and just be you for one time in your life. I asked you to leave because you finally got free of your restrictions and did exactly what I feared the most. You didn't come home, didn't care enough about us to see how our court date went, all you cared about was going out and getting wasted with Bridgette. Say what you want about me but I always put you and the boys first without batting an eye. That's what unconditional love is, caring more about someone else than yourself, putting their love above all else. It was going to be so perfect once you were free, instead it's become a nightmare that I can't wake from.

I wish this would end, this feeling. One way or another. I love you, so much. I hope you find what your looking for and I hope that I'm wrong about you spinning out of control. I wish nothing but the best for you and hold nothing for myself.

Love you always and forever.