Quick Update to Second Chances

 Bex here, just a Quick Update to the previous and last post "Second Chances". It failed miserably. 

XOXOXO

Bex

Second Chances

I keep thinking I'll wake up and this will all have been a dream. I fell in love with my high school sweetheart, how is that really happening? It's honestly SO good that it's scaring me. I've always been a passionate person but the love I have for Jason is so fierce and passionate that it's unsettling to me because I'm so use to constantly controlling my emotions. He has managed to throw my whole carefully constructed World on end. I'm doing things, saying things, feeling things that I never would or have in the past because it would throw off my controlled environment. But now, with Jason, everything has become different, I have NO control! For once, there's a reason, a purpose to life beyond existing. I can't explain, there are no words or expressions that seem to fit. Frustrating when your entire life is based on expression of the written word to be so speechless. It's the first time that sex has been an emotional experience, the first time I've cared what another person thought of me, the first time I have thought of someone other than myself, the first time I've thought about seriously spending my life with someone, sharing my life not just okay your here, I'm here, let's do life, the first time I've wanted the future that I see possible with all of my being, the first time that I've prayed that this is really real. Please God, don't let this be a lesson, please let this be everything that I want it to be.

I've spent time with his family and every time that I do, it's like seeing what life SHOULD have been, what it could be. A real family that loves each other, that wants to spend time together, that has accepted me without question just because Jason loves me. What would that be like? What would that be like to be accepted just.......because your you? Can you imagine a love like that because I've only read about it. And that is exactly what this whole situation is, something I've read about, dreamed about, fantasized of having but never real in my world. Could a fairytale be real? Could it be real AND happening to me??? I don't deserve something so.....perfect.

And what happens if it doesn't happen in real life? What then? I can't afford to think about that for a second, it wrecks me completely just as a fleeting thought. This whole situation feels like an nihilistic nightmare, an existential conundrum. Every reason I thought I had, everything I did not believe in, have faith in, every little thing I opposed, is wiped away....with one look into his eyes, those incredible, soul bearing blue eyes. One touch will send me into a complete, total spiral of my World's utter nuclear destruction. How is it that one insignificant piece of my past can do this to Bex?? Well, okay, insignificant is the wrong word. He's been obviously significant. I was just looking through some of my pictures today and it dawned on me that my exes look suspiciously, very much like him, always wondered why I was so attracted to blue eyes and brown hair, lol.

Okay, so, yes I'm rambling however, now you understand exactly what I'm talking about when I say I'm thrown under the bus by Jason. See how thoroughly I am rendered incompetent by a man??? That's one of the things that really throws me off my game and fucks my entire Universe, it's a man. A man no different than any of the 7 BILLION people on the planet! He is no different, no better, no worse than I am. Why does he spin me whole World out so exhaustively, out of it's orbit?

And trust me, it is exhausting to watch something I've so painstakingly built for so many decades, be dismantled so decisively, so quickly!!! Fuck me, I'm screwed!!!

So Much Better

In my previous post, I explained that I was beginning to rebuild myself after being heart broken for so long. I wasn't looking nor did I expect to find a partner but you know what they say: You'll find it when you least expect it.

I spend time with him and it feels like home. I can't explain any better than that. I am falling in love with him in a way that I didn't think possible, It's the most amazing feeling. It's not just the fairytale love that I've always believed in, it's the love of someone I could share life with, the love of a possible partner which is always what I've wanted. I look at him and my heart wants to burst with the love and admiration I have for him, the beauty that I see in his heart. I want to hold him and protect him from anything and everything that would dare attempt to hurt him in this world.

He was my high school sweetheart, my first love. Ironic that it should come full circle 23 years later like so many books that I've lost myself in throughout the years. After losing touch, finding each other, reconnecting and then discovering that attraction, those emotions that started it all, are still there. Not in the same way but so much better. I couldn't ask for anything more because he's everything that I had ever wanted but didn't think to ask for.

Better and Worse

Thanks to Maverick filing a civil suit against me for something so petty that my lawyer took the case free of charge for the fun of it and my streak of truly not giving a fuck, I feel free of the heartbreak that has plagued my very soul for months. I still get annoyed and aggravated when he's dumb enough to show up around here but it's a fleeting feeling that doesn't stick.

Have been feeling more ME, lately. More together, capable, strong. It no longer feels like a constant battle to hold myself together for fear of shattering into a million pieces.

This renewed strength has brought with it both good and bad results. I've never looked or felt better, I feel no need to submerse myself into another relationship. I'm happier spending time with my friends. I just want to have fun, go see bands, hike, BBQ. I've found that I enjoy reading like I use to do every day, researching history that interests me, watching movies, all of the things that use to bring me joy in every day life has once again become central to my happiness.

I'm drinking more though. Allot more. There's something underlying in my subconscious that is creating enough turmoil that I'm drinking to the point that I blacked out last week. I haven't done that in over 2 years. It's worrying me enough that I've set the date to quit drinking again, it's time to take a break until I can get control of every aspect of myself. I've never been comfortable losing even the tiniest bit of control of myself, even for a minute of time.

It won't take me long to get it together completely and return to my self once again however I won't lie, it would be nicer to be able to do this with someone by my side. I feel, truly in my heart, that this is something that I have to do on my own though. Relying on someone for my happiness, inner peace and emotional stability is what got me into this mess to begin with.

I know that I can handle whatever comes my way, this is just a drop in the ocean compared to a month ago.  

Does it ever end?

I have to wonder sometimes. Will it ever end or at least diminish? Will you ever stop appearing in my dreams, will your memory ever fade to something less vivid in my mind? I have to wonder, will I ever stop loving you, will I ever stop needing you, will I ever stop being IN love with you, or stop craving your smell, your taste, the way that you feel. Is it ever going to stop or did I truly give you every moment of forever when I said those words? Just when I think that I'm getting better, a hole gets ripped through my chest with a fleeting memory of your smile and how it touches your eyes. A stranger will walk past me wearing  a similar shirt and I am bleeding for days. A song, a smell, a memory all of this shreds me but the dreams, those god damned dreams! So vivid, so real, I would swear on everything I know that they are real. I can feel your hand in mine, hear your voice as you lean in to tell me something, feel the warmth of your breath on my neck, I can smell your scent, I know it's you, truly you. I wake and it's like losing you all over again. The wounds are fresh and bleeding again, every single time. Yet, every night I hope in the darkest parts of my mind and deepest parts of my pieced together heart that I will dream of you again. Because even though it destroy's me it's worth the price just to be near you again. If only for a short time, it feels as if I am whole and unhurt as if it never happened, I am complete with you.

I promised you, every single moment of forever.
It seems that you will get no less than what was promised. 

sigh

I can't seem to fall out of love with you no matter how much time passes, no matter what has happened or what's been said. I love you and I miss you. 

Dreaming and waking

Been having the strangest dreams in the past week. The same person is always in them and when I wake up I can't seem to shake that person out of my head. I think my subconscious is trying to tell me to deal with unresolved situations in a time in my life when so much is being resolved so absolutely. Then again it's possible that they're just dreams and I am reading too much into it but I heard a song today that made me think that maybe just maybe your dreaming of me too. But if you don't dream of me, don't think of me, if there is nothing there, than I will not regret what time I had with you. I will remember it kindly and realize that sometimes, dreams are just dreams like little movies playing in your head while you sleep. Waking however, will be a bit sadder for that realization.