Part 2

I've never been so completely altered by another person before him. In fact that's generally why my relationships end because of my inability and unwillingness to change anything about myself. My insomnia is all but gone and I actually sleep during the hours that I'm supposed to. I'm quieter and more calm for the most part, even things that would generally set me off don't. I find myself less inclined to blow up and explode when my rotten luck takes a turn for the worse. And even the meltdowns that I have are small in comparison to past explosions.

It doesn't bother me to have him in my space and it doesn't bother me that we always seem to be together because as cliched as it sounds, we share a very comfortable silence. I love talking to him. He doesn't let me get my way all the time unconditionally. I've needed some one to tell me no for a very long time.

The affection isn't over bearing or too little it's in the perfect middle.

He doesn't overwhelm me but instead compliments me as I think I compliment him.

I'm comfortable in our life together today and try to hold on to the now, the moments of the day until I lay down at night, kiss him and fall asleep with my hand on his chest.

I love him and the slight alterations that I've made to make our lives fit together are completely insignificant to me.

The untitled, unread, untold fictional story part 1

I was stopped completely when I caught sight of him coming through the crowd towards me. He was beautiful to me even when I wasn't in love with him completely. I half turned back to act like I was listening to Cameron because it hurt my heart even to look at him and my feelings went fluttery along with my pulse and breathing. Let's face it, I don't have a face that conceals my emotions well and even in the dark the crimson blush is noticeable on my face. So I turned back to pretending to listen with a plastic smile on my lips and tried desperately to act as if I hadn't seen him.

I was there just to hang out with a couple of friends and hear a good band, at the last minute I was screwing around on Facebook and invited him out. Hadn't seen him in years, passing thoughts of him every few years but never enough to wonder what had happened to him because we were never friends. He was a manager at a strip club that I worked at part time. And when I did see him on the internet, I only replied to one of his posts because it came across as trying too hard to be poignant. I hate that.


Through the night I was trying to dodge one persons persistent attempts at manipulating my attention, trying not to see Cam laughing at me and focus on starting a conversation of some substance in a loud, crowded bar. I gave up. Too hard to juggle that many things at once and thankfully I was the designated driver that night so I was able to make a quick getaway.

But as busy and hectic as my life is, I didn't give it anymore thought until I caught a cold and got stuck in bed for 2 days. I'll admit it was completely manipulative of me and was only done out of my own curiosity. I put out a line I knew only he would answer and I waited a few minutes.

The only reason I started to write this all down is that I still get fluttery when he touches me and when he's not looking I still forget to breathe when I look at him, he's that beautiful to me that it still makes my heart hurt in my chest.

Feelings

Sometimes you take my breath away when you enter the room, make my heart stop with a touch, looking in your eyes feels like looking into another world.

Candy hearts

The problem with Candy Hearts is that they dissolve in tears. However if your lucky, then there is someone unexpected standing there with a new box of them :)

This seems like it might be a good path to follow, shedding the old and beginning with the new. Progression in forward motion is never a bad thing.

We shall see where this new path brings me, maybe to Happily Ever After, maybe to a nice diversion, maybe to another heart break. But it will bring me some where and getting there is always half the fun.

Becky

No love, how profound.

I finally got up the nerve to say I love and was correct in my assumption that it would not end in a flowery, romantic, happily ever after moment but instead in a broken heart. My broken heart to be exact.

I did my crying over this last night and I think that the tears are over for now. I was feeling pretty angry and hurt but that disappeared also.

I love Tony but he is not and will not be in love with me, this is a solid fact. No amount of any emotion will change that into the love that I wish with all of my heart he would feel.

Now I'm changing the rules of the game.

I put myself out there and I got myself hurt, I knew the chance that I was taking and I took it because as previously stated, why experience something half way?

So I experienced it, I will get over it, I will file it away with other experiences and I will learn from it. I will also discard it.

I put all of my feelings into this and I got all of my feelings hurt and now I will feel no more for him.

And that is the lie that I will continue to tell myself until I finally believe me.

Becky