Can't get past this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KMihKmoYfe8

Yes and No

Yes, I know that Cam's not going to come back.
No, I don't accept that.
Yes, I know he'll never be a part of my life again.
No, I do not want it that way even if it is the only way.


Yes and no. It's all just a massive conflict. Everything is a conflict. Nothing has an easy option. I'd like to be Tony's friend but there's too much animosity.

I'd like Brian to see how much I've accomplished for him and Ian and for once appreciate it but there's too much negativity in him and I'm his only target to lash out at.

Yes I want to go back to florida.
No I can't do it on my own.

Yes I want what I had a month ago,
No I'll never have it again.

Why can't everything just be simple black and white? Lines drawn, no grey area, why can't it just "be"? Never can wrap my head around conflict, it makes no sense to me, on any level and never has. To me, everything either is or it isn't. Your happy or your in love, you don't do things that will destroy that. If your not happy, fine make a change but don't do it at someone else's expense.

I don't know. No amount of this circular thinking makes it any more clear to me. 

last year

Last year, I spent Halloween getting to know you better.
Last year, I invited you in as family for Thanksgiving.
Last year, We shared presents under my Christmas tree.
Last year, I kissed you on New Years at midnight.
This year, I walked by your side and we handled it all, together.
This year, You left me alone with these memories and nothing else except my love, a broken heart and dreams of what might have been, what could have been, what I wanted and believed it would be.

Spent this year fighting to hold myself together
just to have you tear me apart, my partner, my best friend, my lover, my love.
This year, I gave you the key to my heart and my life, I trusted you above anyone else.
This year, you broke my heart and left me standing in the ashy ruin of my life, alone.
This year, you stole my key so that I may never know closure, so that I'm bound to you never being able to fully close the door. Forever trapped by you.

It's time

Time to let go of the past. Time to let go of the ghosts. It's time to move on.

Forward movement to the positive instead of dwelling on the negativity of the past. Time to start healing but also time to embrace now. Eventually time to look ahead but for now, time to breathe again. I've proven to myself that if I continue on this path it will eat my soul. I don't want that. I want to be me again. So it is time...

Time to let go of the past. Time to let go of the ghosts.

It's just time. 

This is not getting better

Thought that it was supposed to get better with time but it's just gotten worse. Every day is worse than the last. I just don't know anymore.

What a shitty freaking year!

I can't help but wonder where everything went so very wrong this year. In January I told Dave "This is going to be our year, I've got a good feeling about this year!". Did I ever see that all wrong. This year has been one challenge and one crisis after another. I started seeing Tony the first week in January and despite my own emotional outbursts, it was a pretty happy life. But dave kept trying to sabotage it because he couldn't accept that I was very happy. Even after he found Mel, he still continued to push and push till I really didn't want to be around him anymore. Finally Tony got out of his legal issues and proceeded to spiral out of control and destroyed what we had together. In the middle of all that chaos I got hit with charges for leaving my 12 yr old alone for 2 hours while I was DD a whopping 6 blocks from home because my crazy ass neighbors called the cops and Ian said he was only afraid of ghosts when asked if he was afraid to be alone. I managed to pull myself through a month of depression by hanging with my buddies, going to concerts and shows and the beach. I started to see Cameron in a different light and pursued that not expecting too much from it. And I didn't get much from it, which is why when Tony came back I really didn't feel bad about it. But the two weeks that Tony was back showed me that Tony didn't belong in my world and I had vastly underestimated Cameron. I knew that Tony would do exactly what he did, I sat back, watched and waited. I wasn't terribly upset by it because I knew what to look for. When all was said and done I apologized to Cam because even though I did what I did for honorable reasons it was still a shitty way to do it. I was wrong. I had to walk away from 2 of my closest friends for betraying me during the breakup with Tony and that hurt. 2 of my men, my guys chose Tony's side and for that they are eternally banished from my life. I trusted them, loved them and took care of them and that was how they repaid me. In the midst of all that my power was shut off for 2 weeks and because of all the stupidity happening in our circle I had to find a new apartment. And then I stopped 2 bullies from beating up on Ian and got slapped with 2 more charges brought against me and one of my former friends "helped" me with the cops. Further proving how much better off I am without that particular group of friends. But Cameron was by my side through all of it, holding my hand and helping me through it. I fell in love with him. He was planning on leaving for Michigan but I was in love anyway. And he said he was in love too. We loved each other and together walked through the crisis and came out the other side. We had moved to our new place together and he said he was going to stay. Every day was good. We had fun, we laughed, we loved. And then a week ago he said that he didn't see us having a future together and he was leaving for Michigan. Within the hour he was gone. I can't make sense of it. But then again I can't make sense of anything that happened so far this year. 11 months and I haven't caught a break yet.

"What have you learned, Dorothy?"

I've learned that even my best friend will betray me. I've learned that making new friends is worthless and that they will turn on me as soon as drugs or alcohol become involved. I've learned that loving someone will destroy you and that sharing your life with someone will just destroy your life. I've learned that I want no one in my life that is real. My friends online are all I want because I can always shut off the computer and it doesn't affect me because it isn't real. I can dismiss anyone with a swipe of my mouse. And they can't hurt me. I'm alone now, I stay in my apartment, I talk to no one and I hide behind my laptop. I'm broken and I accept that. I tried to believe that you broke my heart. But the truth is that I broke me. I broke me by loving you, I broke my life by making it our life, I broke me by believing your words, I broke me. The fault is mine and mine alone, I did this to myself. I believed in allot of people this year and my lesson has been to believe in no one anymore.

This year needs to end because I honestly do not know how much more I can take. 

Cameron

Everything is so lost right now. My head, my heart, everything is just blind confusion. I'm depressed enough to sit on this couch and not want to move but not angry enough to do anything. Just want to sit here and cry and wonder what just happened. You can't tell me that you love me the same day that you pack your things and walk out on me without a moments notice. You can't take the key to all that I am and wear that around your neck after you've crushed and destroyed all that I am.

You can't hope that all will be alright when you took what was right and threw it away like a used napkin. Considering your past, I never would have thought that you'd do the same exact thing. I never thought that you'd cause that amount of hurt to another person after seeing first hand how much it can hurt someone.

And you belittle my feelings by leaving a damn sweatshirt. That was supposed to make me feel better? That's what I needed, another constant reminder that all I dreamed for us was bullshit? That everything you said to me was bullshit? If telling someone that you love them and then walking out on them an hour later is your idea of a clean break, you were wrong. There was nothing clean about it. You should've talked to me, you should have faced your decision and been man enough to explain it. Instead you just ran away. You broke my heart, crushed my dreams, broke my home and ran away without a look back.

Now. Now there is nothing. This was our home together and now it is empty. It doesn't feel like home anymore, it feels like an apartment with furnishings and the memory of a home.

Now. Now I sit here with the knowledge that I wasn't good enough for you. That the love I thought I had was a lie. That all of the good times were just a cover for your plan to leave.

I sit here staring out of the window, crying because I love you so much and with all that I am to do anything for you. And you loved me so little that you left.

I am now truly the broken girl that I never wanted to be. You said that I was strong enough to get over this but did you ever stop to think that it would completely destroy all of my strength, did you ever consider that I would believe in your love so thoroughly that finding out it was a lie would break me completely? I may have been strong enough a month, 2 months ago but now I don't have the strength to care about taking a shower, eating, sleeping. My strength, my heart, all of it you took with you and left me with nothing.

I want my key back so that I can destroy it.

Becky

Chaos and Candy post

New post on Candy page :)


http://bexchaosandcandy.blogspot.com/2011/11/bex-product-endorsement.html

till next time,
BEX