Take a walk through the past but looking forward to the future

As much as I tell others to not accept blame or responsibility for other peoples actions, I sometimes find it hard not to do this to myself. I look back at the past year and I have to wonder if it really isn't just simply that I can not have a relationship. Maybe it was my fault and maybe I am truly a broken girl. There will always be that small insecurity hiding in the back of my mind even though I truly do understand that no matter what the conditions, neither of those relationships were meant to be a permanent thing. One had to straighten out his life and learn to love himself and the other, well....I honestly don't believe that our worlds would have worked together. His path lay in another direction then mine does. Really wish he'd stop being a douche and accept the olive branch of friendship that I've put forth. Seems a waste to end such a good friendship. But hey, I made the effort.

I found someone as broken as I am. I'm being smart and taking it ultra slow, thinking with my head instead of just blindly following my emotions. It's proving a bit more difficult than I'd expected. See, I usually have this nasty habit of taking the things that I have in common with someone and pushing that to the forefront while taking the things that don't connect and dismissing them. That way everyone is comfortable and happy.

With him I find that I don't have to do that. The ways that we differ compliment each other, our differences actually make our connections better. It's easy to be with him. Easy to talk to him, easy to be quiet, easy to be passionate, easy to be funny. It's as easy as breathing and that's all I ever wanted. Now I have it and it's terrifying me. Instead of feeling like I'm losing myself in him, I feel as if I found a part of myself instead.

My key will stay safely around my neck. But I think he crushed the lock.

Becky

Fire trucks, syringes, Steve Jobs and who let Sarah Palin out of her box?

http://bexchaosandcandy.blogspot.com/2012/01/fire-trucks-syringes-steve-jobs-and-who.html

2012, changing the aspect of my views. Not a resolution!

Most people begin the New year with a resolution and usually, statistically by February have failed their own damn resolution. I, personally, have never made a resolution nor will I. In fact, I generally do not celebrate New Year's at all. This year I painted my nails, watched some decent movies, kissed my best friend and promptly went to bed. It's a new year and like the other 36 that I have lived through, this one will have it's ups and downs like all others. I am hoping that it does less damage to me than last year but hey even that was worth all of the lessons that I learned in those 365 days. Good or bad it will be an experience. 

I am however going to change the aspect of my views and general reactions to certain things. This change in thought happened a few days ago when I sat down and thought about all that has transpired in the past 3 weeks, it brought about a personal epiphany of sorts. 

Twice in less than a week I let two people attack me verbally and I kept my mouth shut, listened to every word and stored it away for future thought. And I did think on it quite a bit. Generally I could give a rat's ass what other people think especially when they aren't a major player in the game of my life but, someone close to me did the same thing a week later. This made me stop and think it all through. 

Here's the conclusion that I came to. The person close to me has a bad history of playing upon my emotions, attacking my insecurities(don't die of shock, even I have insecurities), and sabotaging my personal relationships. I discussed this whole situation with an outside party and decided it's time to put some distance there for my own good. I can't keep letting this happen and enabling someone to hurt me on purpose. 

As far as the other person goes, well as self serving as this sounds, she acted out of jealousy and fear derived of her own insecurities which she then projected on me. Not going to happen again. Twice she's been a pretentious, know it all, rude, uncouth person in MY home. Next time she wants to watch her mouth. 

I've been through allot this past year and allot of it I believe was self induced because I wasn't true to myself. Dave would have you believe that I conformed for the 2 guys I was with but that is wildly untrue. I was probably more myself around them then at any other time through the year. I acted and reacted the way the people around me expected me to and that's not me. I am a big advocate for taking responsibility for your actions and I failed myself with that this year. 

No more letting others dictate my emotions, actions, life. I have a comfortable existence, financially, emotionally, physically. And I will no longer feel bad because others are jealous of this. And I will no longer let others twist my perception and dictate who I am friends with and who I speak to. The past is exactly that, past me. 

My policy has always been an open door policy, doors open come on in. I still have an open door policy but now you must leave your baggage some where else because it's not my job to deal with it. 

I can't fix you, hell I can't fix me. I'm just looking for someone as broken as I am now, lol. 

Hope you all have a Happy New Year and remember it is a new year, time to let the past be just that, the past. Try living for the moment Faithful Readers.