Out of confusion and chaos come the answers

Or at least some of them. It's been such a weird 2 weeks. Garrett popped up from the grey mists, needing a friend and the chance to recollect himself. I have to wonder if this is a twist of fate or the Universe giving me my answers finally. After Tony there was Cameron. I didn't love either any less though it all happened so fast but I let them become my life and completely consume my heart, leaving nothing for myself. Garrett is the first male that has been "just" a friend near me, in what feels like a lifetime. Even Dave always wants more, it's never unconditional.

This has given me the moment that I needed to pause and think. To reflect and center myself again. I don't need anyone in my Universe to be my partner, I can do it on my own. I've begun to heal and it feels good to actually feel again.

I had my Christmas party this weekend. Thought about not doing it this year because my holidays were so much more poignant because of Cameron last year. But I sucked it up and had the party and do you know what happened? I laughed. I laughed, I joked, I played with my friends for the first time in months and it was the most amazing feeling in the world. The hole in my heart isn't mended by a long shot but it began to mend itself. Having Garrett crashing on the couch, going through what I am going through and not asking anything of me, just accepting and talking has created an atmosphere of tranquility and healing that was much needed.

I can love you and I can miss you but you are no longer part of my path and now I can let you go. 

Why so interested?

Was checking some of my stats on both blogs and noticed that 2 days this week there were far more views on this blog than on Chaos And Candy. I'm just curious as to why that is? This particular blog is for feelings, personal stuff, more of a diary of my emotions. I don't find them particularly interesting, I find it all frustrating and confusing. Are you someone that I know or just someone that happened upon the inner workings of my heart? Just curious and believe it, I do find it comforting that someone out in the Universe is interested in how I feel when so many times my Universe feels like such a lonely place. Just wanted to say Thx for listening <3

Bex

New post

new post on http://bexchaosandcandy.blogspot.com

Can't get past this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KMihKmoYfe8

Yes and No

Yes, I know that Cam's not going to come back.
No, I don't accept that.
Yes, I know he'll never be a part of my life again.
No, I do not want it that way even if it is the only way.


Yes and no. It's all just a massive conflict. Everything is a conflict. Nothing has an easy option. I'd like to be Tony's friend but there's too much animosity.

I'd like Brian to see how much I've accomplished for him and Ian and for once appreciate it but there's too much negativity in him and I'm his only target to lash out at.

Yes I want to go back to florida.
No I can't do it on my own.

Yes I want what I had a month ago,
No I'll never have it again.

Why can't everything just be simple black and white? Lines drawn, no grey area, why can't it just "be"? Never can wrap my head around conflict, it makes no sense to me, on any level and never has. To me, everything either is or it isn't. Your happy or your in love, you don't do things that will destroy that. If your not happy, fine make a change but don't do it at someone else's expense.

I don't know. No amount of this circular thinking makes it any more clear to me. 

last year

Last year, I spent Halloween getting to know you better.
Last year, I invited you in as family for Thanksgiving.
Last year, We shared presents under my Christmas tree.
Last year, I kissed you on New Years at midnight.
This year, I walked by your side and we handled it all, together.
This year, You left me alone with these memories and nothing else except my love, a broken heart and dreams of what might have been, what could have been, what I wanted and believed it would be.

Spent this year fighting to hold myself together
just to have you tear me apart, my partner, my best friend, my lover, my love.
This year, I gave you the key to my heart and my life, I trusted you above anyone else.
This year, you broke my heart and left me standing in the ashy ruin of my life, alone.
This year, you stole my key so that I may never know closure, so that I'm bound to you never being able to fully close the door. Forever trapped by you.

It's time

Time to let go of the past. Time to let go of the ghosts. It's time to move on.

Forward movement to the positive instead of dwelling on the negativity of the past. Time to start healing but also time to embrace now. Eventually time to look ahead but for now, time to breathe again. I've proven to myself that if I continue on this path it will eat my soul. I don't want that. I want to be me again. So it is time...

Time to let go of the past. Time to let go of the ghosts.

It's just time. 

This is not getting better

Thought that it was supposed to get better with time but it's just gotten worse. Every day is worse than the last. I just don't know anymore.

What a shitty freaking year!

I can't help but wonder where everything went so very wrong this year. In January I told Dave "This is going to be our year, I've got a good feeling about this year!". Did I ever see that all wrong. This year has been one challenge and one crisis after another. I started seeing Tony the first week in January and despite my own emotional outbursts, it was a pretty happy life. But dave kept trying to sabotage it because he couldn't accept that I was very happy. Even after he found Mel, he still continued to push and push till I really didn't want to be around him anymore. Finally Tony got out of his legal issues and proceeded to spiral out of control and destroyed what we had together. In the middle of all that chaos I got hit with charges for leaving my 12 yr old alone for 2 hours while I was DD a whopping 6 blocks from home because my crazy ass neighbors called the cops and Ian said he was only afraid of ghosts when asked if he was afraid to be alone. I managed to pull myself through a month of depression by hanging with my buddies, going to concerts and shows and the beach. I started to see Cameron in a different light and pursued that not expecting too much from it. And I didn't get much from it, which is why when Tony came back I really didn't feel bad about it. But the two weeks that Tony was back showed me that Tony didn't belong in my world and I had vastly underestimated Cameron. I knew that Tony would do exactly what he did, I sat back, watched and waited. I wasn't terribly upset by it because I knew what to look for. When all was said and done I apologized to Cam because even though I did what I did for honorable reasons it was still a shitty way to do it. I was wrong. I had to walk away from 2 of my closest friends for betraying me during the breakup with Tony and that hurt. 2 of my men, my guys chose Tony's side and for that they are eternally banished from my life. I trusted them, loved them and took care of them and that was how they repaid me. In the midst of all that my power was shut off for 2 weeks and because of all the stupidity happening in our circle I had to find a new apartment. And then I stopped 2 bullies from beating up on Ian and got slapped with 2 more charges brought against me and one of my former friends "helped" me with the cops. Further proving how much better off I am without that particular group of friends. But Cameron was by my side through all of it, holding my hand and helping me through it. I fell in love with him. He was planning on leaving for Michigan but I was in love anyway. And he said he was in love too. We loved each other and together walked through the crisis and came out the other side. We had moved to our new place together and he said he was going to stay. Every day was good. We had fun, we laughed, we loved. And then a week ago he said that he didn't see us having a future together and he was leaving for Michigan. Within the hour he was gone. I can't make sense of it. But then again I can't make sense of anything that happened so far this year. 11 months and I haven't caught a break yet.

"What have you learned, Dorothy?"

I've learned that even my best friend will betray me. I've learned that making new friends is worthless and that they will turn on me as soon as drugs or alcohol become involved. I've learned that loving someone will destroy you and that sharing your life with someone will just destroy your life. I've learned that I want no one in my life that is real. My friends online are all I want because I can always shut off the computer and it doesn't affect me because it isn't real. I can dismiss anyone with a swipe of my mouse. And they can't hurt me. I'm alone now, I stay in my apartment, I talk to no one and I hide behind my laptop. I'm broken and I accept that. I tried to believe that you broke my heart. But the truth is that I broke me. I broke me by loving you, I broke my life by making it our life, I broke me by believing your words, I broke me. The fault is mine and mine alone, I did this to myself. I believed in allot of people this year and my lesson has been to believe in no one anymore.

This year needs to end because I honestly do not know how much more I can take. 

Cameron

Everything is so lost right now. My head, my heart, everything is just blind confusion. I'm depressed enough to sit on this couch and not want to move but not angry enough to do anything. Just want to sit here and cry and wonder what just happened. You can't tell me that you love me the same day that you pack your things and walk out on me without a moments notice. You can't take the key to all that I am and wear that around your neck after you've crushed and destroyed all that I am.

You can't hope that all will be alright when you took what was right and threw it away like a used napkin. Considering your past, I never would have thought that you'd do the same exact thing. I never thought that you'd cause that amount of hurt to another person after seeing first hand how much it can hurt someone.

And you belittle my feelings by leaving a damn sweatshirt. That was supposed to make me feel better? That's what I needed, another constant reminder that all I dreamed for us was bullshit? That everything you said to me was bullshit? If telling someone that you love them and then walking out on them an hour later is your idea of a clean break, you were wrong. There was nothing clean about it. You should've talked to me, you should have faced your decision and been man enough to explain it. Instead you just ran away. You broke my heart, crushed my dreams, broke my home and ran away without a look back.

Now. Now there is nothing. This was our home together and now it is empty. It doesn't feel like home anymore, it feels like an apartment with furnishings and the memory of a home.

Now. Now I sit here with the knowledge that I wasn't good enough for you. That the love I thought I had was a lie. That all of the good times were just a cover for your plan to leave.

I sit here staring out of the window, crying because I love you so much and with all that I am to do anything for you. And you loved me so little that you left.

I am now truly the broken girl that I never wanted to be. You said that I was strong enough to get over this but did you ever stop to think that it would completely destroy all of my strength, did you ever consider that I would believe in your love so thoroughly that finding out it was a lie would break me completely? I may have been strong enough a month, 2 months ago but now I don't have the strength to care about taking a shower, eating, sleeping. My strength, my heart, all of it you took with you and left me with nothing.

I want my key back so that I can destroy it.

Becky

Chaos and Candy post

New post on Candy page :)


http://bexchaosandcandy.blogspot.com/2011/11/bex-product-endorsement.html

till next time,
BEX

Chaos and Candy: Quitting smoking, My Views On Addiction

Chaos and Candy: Quitting smoking, My Views On Addiction: I know, I know, supposed to keep this strictly non-personal and personal over in the "Hearts" section! However, thinking you might enjoy thi...

Chaos and Candy: Quitting smoking, My Views On Addiction

Chaos and Candy: Quitting smoking, My Views On Addiction: I know, I know, supposed to keep this strictly non-personal and personal over in the "Hearts" section! However, thinking you might enjoy thi...

Quitting smoking, My Views On Addiction

Head over to http://bexchaosandcandy.blogspot.com

Changes to Chaos and Candy Hearts

Faithful Readers it would seem that we have a couple of snakes in our otherwise tranquil grass. I have been forced to change the settings on this and my Chaos and Candy Hearts page to block all comments from being posted to these pages. I did not want to make these changes, to me it's censorship. Chaos and Candy is a place for me to write my social commentary on the news and world around me as I see it. I always have enjoyed opposing views to mine because it means someone is awake and paying attention! Chaos and Candy Hearts is my personal blog, more like a diary. Sometimes, because this blog is more widely read, my personal life spills on to these pages instead. I usually try to apologize and explain on the rare occasion that this happens.

Unfortunately people that have been removed from my personal life have felt the need to attack me online. And one of their favorite places to attack me is on the comments section of my blog. Leaving comments that either make no sense at all or are attempting to make me react in a negative manner by putting half truths about my life on display.

Here is the cold hard truth, you were removed from my personal life, you were removed and blocked from my cyber life on all levels, now you are blocked from attacking me on a page for politics and news. I have not attacked you in any way shape or form here or in real life, you are acting out of jealousy because I never attacked you I simply erased you. I erased everything that proved at one point you existed in BEX Universe and I moved on never acknowledging that you EVER existed on this planet.

Now I apologize to you, Faithful Readers. Unfortunately a couple of knuckle dragging, mouth breathers have upset the balance that we have. However Bex, with you along side will prevail!

Till Next Time Faithful Readers!!!!!!
BEX

My Mom, My Uncles, My Hero's, My Family

Last night, Saturday, my uncles both sons and myself went to a meeting with my mom. She is a recovering addict and last night was her 1 year sober celebration. My uncle received his fob for 90 days sober. And my mom was presented with her 1 year coin by my other Uncle that has been sober for years now.

Now Faithful Readers, you know very well my opinion on addiction. I've never been quiet about how I feel on the topic of addiction and addicts. I still hold firm on those beliefs and my opinions. However, for the past year I have watched my Marmee (it's a pet name that I use for my mom from the book Little Women) struggle day to day and it has been a hell of a fight for her physically and emotionally. But it's not always a fight. Everyday for 365, I've watched her grow into a beautiful, self reliant, self assured woman that loves herself for the first time in decades. I can not express the pride, love that I have for my mother and my uncles. They are my heroes for what they have overcome. I do not have the words that will correctly express my admiration, pride in my family, complete and unconditional love for these three heroes. Most of all My Marmee. Our relationship has been tough but we've always loved each other and when times have been tough we've been there for each other. For the first time in my life, Saturday October 15th 2011, I looked up to my mother, was inspired by her. On that day she became my hero and nothing will ever change that from this point forward. Gale, Marmee, I love you, I'm proud of you and I will buy you your own super hero costume complete with a pink cape! You are a beautiful woman inside and out and I have faith that you will continue to follow the path that God has illuminated for you.

My Uncle received his fob for months sober also last night. You may shrug it off as just a couple months but if you knew him, you'd know that this is a massive occasion. In my 36 years I am hard pressed to remember him sober. He's always been a good man, one of my favorite people in my life and one of my favorite uncles. He has always had a pure soul and a giving nature, he'd give the shirt off his back if you needed it even if it was his only shirt. He's always been there for me and my sons and would never let any harm come to us. I've always looked up to and idolized my Mom's brothers, those 4 men have played a huge role in my life. They helped raise me , taught me, read to me, took care of me when I needed it. Last night, watching him receive that fob, I cried for the accomplishments that he's made to better his life in just a few months and for the man that he is becoming, I cried tears of joy and happiness, pride and love. I cried because he's doing what so many never thought he could do. I know you can do it, and if you ever need help I am here no matter what.

I'm proud of all of them, I love them. They are my family and they win a war every day one day at a time. If you have someone in recovery in your life, you fight with them, you love them and if they fall down you pick them up and walk side by side with them down that road.

Together.

Rebecca D. Harrington-Van Marter

New beginnings and leaving the past behind

In the past month I've been arrested for the second time in 5 months, had 2 family members die, attempted to help someone and had it blow up in my face, ended 2 friendships that I thought were up to my standards of loyalty and honor, had to change my phone number and move to get away from bad people and situations, struggled to find the finances to do so, missed my best friends wedding due to all of this and been to court twice. That's just the bare jist of what's happened in the past 30 days. Needless to say my stress levels have been through the atmosphere. But I've gotten through it, I've pulled up my boot straps, sucked it up and survived it all. Not without my share of battle scars but hey who doesn't dig scars, right? The hardest is yet to come though. My rock through all of this has been Cameron. Cam has been my friend, my stability, my voice of reason and so much more that I can't even find the words. However his path leads him elsewhere and he will be leaving this week to return home to Michigan. Yes it's selfish but the idea of him leaving crushes me and I wish there were a way that he would stay. After so much loss in the past month I just don't want another to be gone from my life. As with so many others, there will be phone calls and emails and text messages but it isn't the same as having him here. There are already too many in my life seperated by distance. I feel so much more complete with him here that to have that taken away saddens me to the very core of my being. He say's that I'm strong enough to get through it but I have my doubts. And to be honest, all the changes that have taken place, I've had to accomplish on my own because Dave stayed drunk for 3 weeks and didn't do shit to help except to come up with half the Verizon deposit money. I did everything on my own and he said the same damn thing "Your strong enough to handle it" Well check it out people, I'M FUCKING TIRED OF BEING THE "STRONG ONE". I'm always the one to handle whatever pops up, always the one to help out as much as I can. Again as selfish as this sounds, I don't want to be the strong one anymore. I want to curl up in your lap and know that there is a life partner that will share the burdens, the happy moments, everything with me. I don't want to keep carrying all of it on my shoulders anymore.

This move has given me the opportunity to start fresh and put things and my life back into perspective and I fully intend to take advantage of that, just wish i didn't have to do it alone.

Don't get me wrong I am happy that all the bullshit has happened to me and opened my eye's to what needs to happen but it has also created a very lonely new beginning. And after all that's happened I'm uncertain as to who my real friends are anymore. So that leaves no one to lean on when times get tough.

New beginnings and leaving the past behind, forward movement and no looking back. Sounds easy, doesn't it?
Becky

?

Wish you would just stay away forever and stop tormenting me for fun. You win, I changed my phone number, moving into a new apartment and not telling anyone where and have given up my friendships to mutual friends of ours. Will you please just stay away from me now??????

other blog

http:bexchaosandcandy.blogspot.com

You should read this.

BEX

Another night

Just another night without sleep. I hate nights because it's the time that I am most awake and my mind is most active. In my entire existence there has only been 1 that had enough of a calming effect on me to get me to sleep. Get me to sleep and still keep my ability to dream. Miss that.

Other than the complete lack of sleep, I'm okay more now. I rearranged and did a cleansing on the house, I've been writing more and I'm beginning to be alright when I am alone. I think the buddies sense this because they've loosened my leash a bit more, lately.

Eventually I know that our paths will cross, probably sooner than I'd like. I'd like to be completely healed before that time comes. Ha, winter can't come soon enough for my liking because then at least I'll have less of a chance of accidentally running into him.

I wear the St. Michael medallion everyday and rarely take it off, not as a reminder but I believe it was always meant to be for me.

For the most part I harbor no more ill will. I've come to realize that it's a huge waste of my energy and expending negativity only gets you negativity back 3 fold. I guess it's all part of the process. I can't waste any more on wishing, or on blaming myself, on self deprecation, I can't wonder anymore, or worry anymore, I can't think of what might have been anymore. I've realized this and despite the minor setbacks, I've truly in my heart and mind accepted this.

Of course I can't take complete credit for that positive move forward either. I have a very important person that's helped out more than I deserve, unfortunately he'll be leaving very soon. But I like to believe that even though he appeared in my life accidentally because of his own issues that maybe fate had a plan and we were thrown together to help each other. I'll miss him terribly but am not saddened by his return home. His path does not and has never belonged here. I know that we will visit and talk often and that he will accomplish great things that will make me even prouder to call him my friend. I don't know that I'll ever be able to express my gratitude, love, or respect correctly or clearly to my friend but as always I will hope he knows that without his help I wouldn't have been able to accomplish this.

A broken heart remains forever broken but only for the person that broke it. A heart mends and eventually will love again. I have to believe in that, to have faith in that. My heart will always remain broken for Tony but that doesn't mean that I'll cease to love forever. Someone asked me yesterday because they are in love with someone else, if I thought that they should come forward and tell the person "I Love You" (seriously, true story and it still boggles my mind why they'd ask me for advice on this shit being that I'm such an EPIC fucking fail at love, weird huh?).

Here's what I said and I meant every word " Never pass up love for anything, even as much as my heart has been broken I've never regretted loving someone or being in love because love makes life better in every way. Even if it fades, the experience is worth it. Life doesn't give second chances. You have to ask yourself do ya go for it or wonder for the rest of your life what might have been. Life is too short to pass up chances, experiences and adventures. If you pass up the chance of love than you will find yourself a very lonely person. If it comes to a broken heart at least you can say that you tried."

My optimisim and belief in Love is still there.

And on that positive note, I'm going to go stare at the ceiling, oh I mean sleep lol.

Becky <3

Melancholy

There are still good days and bad days. The other day I was on my balcony and spotted the little brown mouse that lives under the opposite buildings porch, I haven't seen him in months and had given up hope that he was still alive. My first instinct was to tell Tony to come see Mickey. I pulled up short and the reality hit me like a ton of bricks and the sadness hit me like a wave crashing down on me. But then after seeing him last saturday and the shit he pulled after I saw him, I realized that it is over and no matter how hard or much I wish things had gone differently, things are the way they are. There will always be reminders and there will always be things that make me sad but there is also allot of good in my life. I've cocooned myself in my little world for 5 weeks and will continue to do so until I feel ready to do otherwise. I'm healing. Little by little I am healing. And on those days that I'm not okay, my guys are there to pick me up and love me till I forget the hurt that feels like a hole in my chest. They hold me when I can't stop crying, they dry my tears and then remind me that I am loved unconditionally. We go out and about as a pack so that they can insure that I'm safe, we BBQ every weekend as a family. Right now this is what I need to continue healing. Slowly I'm getting there. My hair is pink again, which if you know me signals that the darkest days are past and we are moving back into the light once again. I will, someday be okay again. I will be whole again. Right now I want to concentrate on my friends and my little Universe where I am safe and happy.

Bex

Doing better

I know that i keep saying that and then falling back but I'm doing pretty damn good right now :)

Canales in Liverpool

Boycott Canale's restaurant in Liverpool as they refused to donate even a lunch for 4 Marines on funeral detail that have to pay for expenses out of pocket. Manager said it "Wasn't their problem" WTF????

4 am

Not being able to sleep is bad enough however, getting sucked into 2 of the worst chick flicks ever made is actually so much more tragic. Today was Tony's birthday. I had tickets for us to go to NYC but when he acted out at me last week, I knew he'd never come back and I got rid of them. I keep hoping to look outside and see him pull up or hear a knock at the door and have him want to talk or get a call telling me that he wants to come home. I know it won't happen. Just makes 4 am so much harder admitting it.

Waves

It hits me in waves. Waves of sadness that over take me and threaten to pull me under. Suddenly my chest stops working, my throat closes and I can't breathe as the pain washes over me, drops me to the floor, wish I could catch my breath and sob it out but it's trapped in the chasm that once was my heart.

Trying so hard to fill the void, distract myself with shiny. Doesn't work, makes the emptiness that much more vivid. Keep wishing that you would just come home, realize that this is your home, we are your family, we love you, I love you. It was never about control, you try to believe that lie that you tell yourself but you know that it isn't true. I never wanted you to be anything but yourself, to let go of the facade and just be you for one time in your life. I asked you to leave because you finally got free of your restrictions and did exactly what I feared the most. You didn't come home, didn't care enough about us to see how our court date went, all you cared about was going out and getting wasted with Bridgette. Say what you want about me but I always put you and the boys first without batting an eye. That's what unconditional love is, caring more about someone else than yourself, putting their love above all else. It was going to be so perfect once you were free, instead it's become a nightmare that I can't wake from.

I wish this would end, this feeling. One way or another. I love you, so much. I hope you find what your looking for and I hope that I'm wrong about you spinning out of control. I wish nothing but the best for you and hold nothing for myself.

Love you always and forever.

All done

Your belongings are gone, my locks are changed, it is all done.
But my heart hurts that you would choose partying over a family that loves you and it hurts more because I've seen inside you and know that this isn't what you wanted in your heart.

I will hurt and I will grieve but this will not destroy me or even knock me down. Your spiral of self destruction has just begun and I hope you survive it.

Good luck.

Silent Fury

No, I'm not getting emotional! It's my favorite band and here is their new video!

Becky

ongoing saga

Just when We sit down and discuss "Us" and all seemingly is back on track and heading in a positive direction, doesn't someone have to try to screw it up. Same person that's officially wrecked 1 long term relationship and attempted to sabotage many others. Now there's been more conversating but it did set us back a couple steps.

Idk, what the outcome will be. Not even a clue however, it will be what it is and I can't change that. All I can do is continue to be true to myself and be true to my feelings. I love Tony and I'm in love with Tony. If that proves to be not enough for him than it's not me.

Not going to stop being hopeful <3
Becky

alone

laying in the dark, crying, wondering what it was I did wrong this time.

The constant confusion of is it me or is it him or is it us or is it something unknown, is my only companion in the dark.

i think I'd rather have my warm tears than the cold chasm of animosity.

The unyielding sorrow is warmer in my heart than the fake attempt of sincerity.

Laying in the dark, crying for someone lost that was never mine.

Feeling the hole of nothingness where my heart once was.

Becky

Think I've made my decision

After having my feelings negated time and again, I think I've made my decision to just let go. If it means something to him than he'll have to choose to make an honest effort towards our relationship but I don't see that ever happening. He's too selfish to care what any other human being's feeling. It would be nice but I've been fooling myself this entire time thinking he would be as vested as I am in our life together and that maybe he'd become more emotional or at least considerate of how I feel. All to no avail, so I am throwing in the towel and counting my losses. I give up, I lost this one and I've learned valuable lessons. OVER, DONE WITH, GONE!!!!

Becky

frustrating to say the least

So sunday I got absolutely wasted with my friends. It's a long standing tradition on Mother's Day to get drunk as hell. Tony wasn't happy. He doesn't like my drinking because he always see's me when I'm binging instead of just chilling and knocking a few back. In my defense I'm not usually this bad with binge drinking but living with him tends to bring out the worst in me. Mostly because it is such an emotionally stifling atmosphere around him. Communication on our relationship does not exist. It's immpossible because when ever I try, he gets defensive and loud and then it just leads to the two of us yelling over the top of each other. It's not in my nature to be so submissive so I lash out. I drink till I fall down because it's my way of getting back at him. But then the next day I get to deal with his passive/aggressive punishment. All day he will make snarky side comments and little "hey remember this..." comments and just needle me every chance that he gets. Which in turn just makes me want to go out and do it again only WAY worse. I'm the Queen of debauchery when I know it will drive someone insane.

The problem is this: I feel stifled and controlled and the passive/aggressive anger makes it worse. Need to try and figure out a way to approach him one more time before just giving up entirely. I love him very much but not enough to give up even an inch of who I am and all that I've worked for. And I don't feel in my heart that he'll be staying too long after his court problems are wrapped up next month, I think honestly that he'll be gone as soon as he gets the green light. This was nothing more than a convienant and comfortable place to waste time till he could go. We had spoken about moving out of state together but I think that was just to placate me. Just wish everything in this relationship were a bit more open and black and white. You can't say that you want to run away with me and then talk about getting your own apartment. You can't treat me like a 5 year old and then expect me to have dinner for you. It does not work like that, I don't work like that. And with out any positive reinforcement from him in this relationship it just makes me want to lash out and hurt him as much as I can so that he's hurting like me.

I just don't understand and I want more than anything to understand. I want to know where this is going, is it worth my time, my love, my effort, is it worth adapting and changing for someone? What in god's name does he want, need, expect? There are never any concise answers with him and it's unbelievably frustrating on so many levels.

I don't know, I don't understand and I want to so badly.
Bec

Jaded?

I don't think that I'm jaded or hardened. If I were either of those things than I wouldn't have the ability or capacity to love as I do, I wouldn't find joy in little things like a pretty rock or looking at the stars and wishing on one every night (bet you never noticed that I do that as soon as we are on the porch and the stars are out)

I like to think that I've protected some of my innocence along the way. It's one of the reasons that I take the time to go for a walk or stand in the sunshine or color for an hour, it's why I play with bubbles and bouncy balls and side walk chalk. I refuse to give these things up because truly they make me happy. I can get lost playing with these things to the point that I forget there's supposed to be pretenses and expectations and in that one pure moment I can just exist and be me. I don't have to be a mom, a responsible adult, a girlfriend, or a grown up. In that perfect moment I can just be Bex and be in my world and nothing can touch me there. I can love and there are no repercussions, I can just feel and not have to hold it all in or hide it. I don't have to act in those moments because to be honest the show that I have to put on for the duration is usually exhausting to me, in a perfect world I would just be able to exist as me and never have to pretend again. I think that would make you more uncomfortable than anything else. You say that you like that picture because it was before I became jaded and yet you jade me more than anything else I've come across so far and I don't even think that you notice this. I believe truly and completely with all of my heart in Love above all things I believe in Love. You don't and have told me that it won't exist between us. I'll never hear those words from you no matter how much I want to. It crushes my innocent belief in true love and jades me into second guessing my belief in love. I want someone to come outside and walk in the sun with me, play and laugh. Come and forget all that you know or think you know, let it go and just exist to have fun.

"The greatest thing that you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return" Toulouse

Becky

dreaming you

There are times when look at him and wonder if this isn't one of my dreams. He's too beautiful to really exist in my world isn't he? There's always so much chaos and destruction around me that true beauty in it's purest is something that I never thought that I'd get to touch again, yet here he is. Didn't know when I took this path that it would lead me here and if someone had told me I don't know that I would have believed them or come this way. As hard as it is sometimes to just blindly accept and to learn to be partners, I wouldn't trade any moment that I've had with him.

He's the best daydream that I've ever had.

Becky

There are little things

There are so many little things that he does that make me happy. This morning there was coffee when I woke up, he knew that I didn't feel well so he kept everyone away from me, he called me on his break, last night he took care of all the dirty dishes and this morning emptied the dishwasher. I know that he thinks these are minor things that are insignificant but to me it's the thought that counts. And I truly believe whether consciously or not he does these things because he loves me.

My dad and I had a long discussion about this. I'm so use to being in an emotional climate that it doesn't dawn on me that not everyone has been exposed to an open emotional environment. Our family was always a very open family, we were all very close, if we had something to say than we said it and if we felt something we expressed it. Not all families are close and I never thought of it that way. I just figured he was broken by so many years of hard living, which I still believe in a way but now I realize the distance and emotional denial are just because he's not use to the same environment as I am. It would be blissful if we could find a happy middle ground to thrive on but I think that will take some time.

I still have those days of debilitating self doubt and insecurity. I'm trying to control that but it's proving difficult because I'm not use to having to word myself carefully and I am without a doubt probably the worst person at communicating. Not to mention the fact that you throw someone that's over emotional into close proximity of an unemotional person or emotionally closed off person and yeah, there are clashes. Big huge personality clashes.

The above times are becoming fewer as time goes on. Recently there have been more times where he looks at me or touches me and I know, just know absolutely no doubts that he is in love with me. I've found that these moments mean more to me than if he were to actually say the words. I think anyone can say I love you and not mean it but to make someone know that you love them with just a look, that means more than any words he could say to me. I am completely happy in those moments and could spend forever in the memory of them if not in them at the time.

In one hour my baby will be coming home from work and he will come in and watch the rest of the Yankees game with me and my world will be at peace and complete. Feels like forever until then,

Becky

Easier

Since making the decision to just accept our life together, it's been allot more comfortable. Life has become easier, more relaxing, natural. I think that by constantly tripping over my own defenses I was actually setting off bot of our defenses. Once I let it go, happiness happened. I still have my moments of debilitating self doubt but they're getting easier to dismiss. I think this has been one of those milestones of emotional growth that people are always telling me about lol!

Till next time,
Bex

Confusing and irritating

I don't understand half of what's going on in my life currently. And I have to say it has made me laugh because as much as I can't communicate to my bf, I can dump it all out to Dave. I think because with Dave there isn't an immediate hit on my defenses. Like I said on my other blog, I have an issue with having to know all the boundaries in my life and I have to be in control of all aspects of my life. But trying to keep my iron grip is like gripping sand recently.

I know what I want out of this. I want a partner, a mate to run through life's little adventures with me. I want to share my life with him. He makes me happy. I like our conversations, our laughs, watching cartoons and listening to Savage with him. What I don't like is that he holds all the control. This will end on his terms, when he chooses. I don't know which makes me sadder, that he will be able to just walk away while I will be destroyed by this or that he knows this and is counting on it.

I told him that I needed him to leave the other day because it hurts too much to be in love someone that won't love you and be faced with that 24/7. But being the coward that I am, I took it back. I don't know why.

It's all so confusing. To be this in love with someone, this happy and comfortable but also feel so utterly miserable because the feelings aren't reciprocated in a way that makes me happy. Dave say's that I have to decide wether to just accept this situation as it is, unquestioningly accept tony as is ands just be happy or decide to end it now on my terms. Either way it hurts regardless. It's not in my nature to just blindly accept something. I analyze, it's what I do to just accept a situation with no idea of where it's going, what it is or will be, how it will play out, I don't know that I'm capable of doing that. As it is, almost everything is already in his control. Showing affection, physicality, all when he chooses it. If it were up to me, I'd be curled in his lap all day, I'd spend all day in bed with him. I have no outlet for emotions with him. He's pushed me away so many times now that I'm terrified to make a move because I hate the rejection. It makes me want to scream sometimes that I can name 10 people right off the top of my head that would kill to share my life, my bed, my love and if I'm so unattractive to you why are you here at all??? Is it that your so comfortable that you could care less how all this makes me feel, is it that shallow of an explanation? I just wish I understood, if it's me say it's me and I'll get past it and be cool till he can find a place. If it's not me then for god's sake grab me, hold me, love me until I believe that it truly isn't me. Throw me a bone damn it, give me at least part of an explanation as to wtf this is! He is broken, jaded, defensive and insecure as am I but I would never have control over his heart break and just sit back and watch it happen. Honestly I probably could accept this situation blindly as long as I felt I could love him with out the fear of being pushed away and told no. If I felt that I could be affectionate to him on my terms, this would be a happy unknown that I walk into but as it is right now it's just stressful and uncertain.

And to just compound all of this, it's immpossible for me to communicate any of this. In a perfect Bex World, he would read this understand it and make an honest effort to let my affection run free. This will not happen, there is no happy ending in this, no compromise will occur, I will continue to try to grip sand and he will continue to be oblivious to all needs except his. Why did I have to fall in love? Why did he stay and make me love him?

Part 2

I've never been so completely altered by another person before him. In fact that's generally why my relationships end because of my inability and unwillingness to change anything about myself. My insomnia is all but gone and I actually sleep during the hours that I'm supposed to. I'm quieter and more calm for the most part, even things that would generally set me off don't. I find myself less inclined to blow up and explode when my rotten luck takes a turn for the worse. And even the meltdowns that I have are small in comparison to past explosions.

It doesn't bother me to have him in my space and it doesn't bother me that we always seem to be together because as cliched as it sounds, we share a very comfortable silence. I love talking to him. He doesn't let me get my way all the time unconditionally. I've needed some one to tell me no for a very long time.

The affection isn't over bearing or too little it's in the perfect middle.

He doesn't overwhelm me but instead compliments me as I think I compliment him.

I'm comfortable in our life together today and try to hold on to the now, the moments of the day until I lay down at night, kiss him and fall asleep with my hand on his chest.

I love him and the slight alterations that I've made to make our lives fit together are completely insignificant to me.

The untitled, unread, untold fictional story part 1

I was stopped completely when I caught sight of him coming through the crowd towards me. He was beautiful to me even when I wasn't in love with him completely. I half turned back to act like I was listening to Cameron because it hurt my heart even to look at him and my feelings went fluttery along with my pulse and breathing. Let's face it, I don't have a face that conceals my emotions well and even in the dark the crimson blush is noticeable on my face. So I turned back to pretending to listen with a plastic smile on my lips and tried desperately to act as if I hadn't seen him.

I was there just to hang out with a couple of friends and hear a good band, at the last minute I was screwing around on Facebook and invited him out. Hadn't seen him in years, passing thoughts of him every few years but never enough to wonder what had happened to him because we were never friends. He was a manager at a strip club that I worked at part time. And when I did see him on the internet, I only replied to one of his posts because it came across as trying too hard to be poignant. I hate that.


Through the night I was trying to dodge one persons persistent attempts at manipulating my attention, trying not to see Cam laughing at me and focus on starting a conversation of some substance in a loud, crowded bar. I gave up. Too hard to juggle that many things at once and thankfully I was the designated driver that night so I was able to make a quick getaway.

But as busy and hectic as my life is, I didn't give it anymore thought until I caught a cold and got stuck in bed for 2 days. I'll admit it was completely manipulative of me and was only done out of my own curiosity. I put out a line I knew only he would answer and I waited a few minutes.

The only reason I started to write this all down is that I still get fluttery when he touches me and when he's not looking I still forget to breathe when I look at him, he's that beautiful to me that it still makes my heart hurt in my chest.

Feelings

Sometimes you take my breath away when you enter the room, make my heart stop with a touch, looking in your eyes feels like looking into another world.

Candy hearts

The problem with Candy Hearts is that they dissolve in tears. However if your lucky, then there is someone unexpected standing there with a new box of them :)

This seems like it might be a good path to follow, shedding the old and beginning with the new. Progression in forward motion is never a bad thing.

We shall see where this new path brings me, maybe to Happily Ever After, maybe to a nice diversion, maybe to another heart break. But it will bring me some where and getting there is always half the fun.

Becky

No love, how profound.

I finally got up the nerve to say I love and was correct in my assumption that it would not end in a flowery, romantic, happily ever after moment but instead in a broken heart. My broken heart to be exact.

I did my crying over this last night and I think that the tears are over for now. I was feeling pretty angry and hurt but that disappeared also.

I love Tony but he is not and will not be in love with me, this is a solid fact. No amount of any emotion will change that into the love that I wish with all of my heart he would feel.

Now I'm changing the rules of the game.

I put myself out there and I got myself hurt, I knew the chance that I was taking and I took it because as previously stated, why experience something half way?

So I experienced it, I will get over it, I will file it away with other experiences and I will learn from it. I will also discard it.

I put all of my feelings into this and I got all of my feelings hurt and now I will feel no more for him.

And that is the lie that I will continue to tell myself until I finally believe me.

Becky

untitled

My heart is in your hands and there for will remain Forever Broken


Becky

I know

I know that he will be leaving. That I have a few short months and then it will be over. I also know that if his insecurities are tried he will leave sooner. I am okay with the knowledge of him leaving because it's not like he wasn't up front with me about his plans. I once told him that I would rather be all in 100% emotionally, mentally, physically than to cheat myself of an experience with him. And the hurt that will come from him leaving is all part of that experience because you can't have the sweet in life without the sour.

I fell in love with him.

It took me by surprise because for once I didn't just jump in to a relationship and follow nothing but my emotions. I've put thought into every move I've made with him. I've considered every option and calculated all the risks before I've made any decisions at all. And because I took that approach it's been a very comfortable co-existence. But in the past few days I've come to discover that I am completely and totally in love with him. Now how did that happen without me seeing it or even sensing it coming? How did that happen with out me knowing it? Damn it, Damn it all. Wasn't really looking to have that extent of an emotional response and thought that by going about this with my head and not my irrational emotions that I'd escape this particular response. This completely blows my theory on how my emotions work.

The confusing point in all of this is that loving him makes me happy, he makes me happy. While loving him and being with him makes me happy, I can't tell him that. If I tell him that I love him I run the risk of triggering the emotional insecurity he has about deserving love and in turn he will walk away rather than stay, so it will end sooner. It's all very tragic really. Love him happy because of him, can't tell him or tell him he makes me happy I love him and lose him sooner. This is like a bad novel.

I'e been considering taking my usual course of action, consequences be damned. Just come right out and tell him "I love you and T, you make me happy." and then just brace myself for whatever happens. But when it comes right down to it, I'm a great big emotional coward because I don't want to run the risk of losing him before I absolutely have to. I don't want to say goodbye to the man that I'm in love with until his bags are packed and he's on the road to Arizona. I never have looked that forward in a relationship before but this one came with a general expiration date so it's forced me too. He makes me smile, really smile from the inside, whole heartedly smile, have you ever done that? It's an amazing feeling to smile like that.

I know that he doesn't realize what a wonderful, intelligent, inspiring, beautiful and loving person he is. Wish he could see in himself what I see when I look at him for just a moment.

Making it epic

If you knew there was an expiration time or time limit on something good in your life, would you give up or would you give it everything you had to make it everything it could be? Would you walk away from it, giving up because of an inevitable end? Would you just handle it half way under the misguided thought of what's the point in giving it your all if it's going to end anyway?

I knew going in to this that there was a time limit and I've fought with my feelings about this for a bit. I said before, I'm fine 99.9% of the time but there are still those moments when it gets to me.

Yesterday I made my decision, given my personality it wasn't really ever a choice. I'm putting myself all in. I'd rather have Happily ever 4 months, than nothing at all.

My belief has always been to experience anything and everything that you have the opportunity to. Fall in love again and again, get your heart broken, find something that gives you pure joy and keep doing it, feel EVERYTHING! Because even the unpleasant feelings of being heart broken, sad, lost, even all those hurtful feelings will teach you something in your journey through life. Don't go through life half way people, take it to the limit and back again, never hold back because you could lose the chance for something great.

Choose to make everything epic never settle for mediocre, that's not living it's just existing.
I'm choosing epic, I can't speak for the other half of this equation but I'm choosing to live and experience this to the fullest possible. A half way life has never been for me. It's all or nothing.

Making it Epic,
Becky

Gestures

It amazes me that there is so much that I don't fear in this world. I've had guns pointed at me, I've been shot at, I've jumped (voluntarily) out of an airplane, I've slid down a rope out of helicopter, I've dumped a motorcycle and slid 120 feet got back up and drove off, on and on and on the list continues of Bex death defying acts. One simple gesture of emotion has me ready to crawl under the bed and hide forever. I've never been so damned scared in my life. I think I'd rather be shot at again, it's easier. Seriously. If your getting shot at the adrenaline pumps and the survivor instinct takes over, easy! You make an emotional gesture and it fails epic, your emotionally shredded. The only instinct in that is to cry, be embarrassed and feel rejected.

I feel in my heart that this is not going to play out the way I'd like it to and that's where half of my anxiety comes from. I've been playing it out in my head and I think I'm okay with it ending in the way that it's been explained to me but there's always that little piece of me that hopes something will change before now and then. 99.9% of the time I'm just happy in the situation, truly. I'm fabulous with just letting it all flow naturally. Sharing space, sharing time comes as easy as breathing and feels as natural. However, the last time it felt as easy as breathing I choked on it. So that makes it a tad bit scary but again it's not something that generally crosses my thoughts so I don't stress it.

Now though I've taken the time and energy to put forth a gesture of my feelings and I'm terrified that small gesture will be politely accepted and then the "Talk" will commence soon after. The talk about the unreciprocated feelings and not looking into the comfort of the situation and etc etc etc.

Ya know I fought with the decision over this stupid gesture for days and finally just came to the decision that fuck it, let's just go balls to the wall, consequences be damned, it'll be what it's meant to be. Yeah, see that hill? I'm gonna take that hill in blind force and fortify that bitch of a hill, HOOAH!!!!!

Then I'm going to curl up in my fortification on my hill and wish I hadn't made the damn decision.

becky<3

Sometimes

Sometimes I have to wonder if it could ever be like the pretty pictures that I paint for us in my mind. Sometimes I have to wonder if you regret the words that you speak to me at night when you see them in the morning light. Sometimes my heart races at the sound of the phone or a knock at the door because sometimes I think it might be you.

Sometimes I thumb through the memories of you like the pages in my photo albums. Replaying every single moment, every word spoken, every laugh, every kiss.

Sometimes my mind is able to block the harsh words that you through at me. Sometimes I'm able to forget the heartache and sometimes I can look forward to imaginary possibilities.

Sometimes I can believe that you could be my one. Sometimes.

The Spiral

Sometimes your life spirals out of control and you never saw it coming. And then there are times it spirals out of control, you see every inch of the spiral in minute detail in crystal clarity. So that the destruction of your reality will forever be in violent contrast to every good moment from that point forward. A smile, a loving touch will be shadowed throughout your existence by the recollection of the spiral. It won't matter if a heart is given to you, the love from another will never replace the love for yourself lost in the downward spiral Instead of letting the spiral go, to move on and move forward, you've conceded to let it envelope your soul and consume what was once a beautiful soul. Sometimes something broken can never be fixed no matter how much another wishes it differently.

BEX

Chaos and Candy Hearts

Welcome Faithful Readers! You are already familiar with Chaos and Candy, I'd like to introduce you to Chaos and Candy Hearts. I hope that you will be as faithful to this page as you are to my other. Let me first tell you that the reason for the separate blog is that I enjoy writing my witty little take on things around me, current events, politics and all that jazz but I don't feel comfortable putting my inner turbulence, emotions, creative writings in that forum. To me the two don't always mix well. And I'm sure that some of my readers aren't interested in some of the more emotional blogs that I've written. Allot of times if I don't get my feelings out of my head then I self destruct, this will hopefully prevent that. Now there are times when I have referenced people that I am in a relationship with, people that have feelings for me, so on and so forth and I've been blasted for it. I will not use real names unless given permission. Except in the instance of certain individuals, Dave and best friends in general. If you don't want to know what I'm feeling, don't read it. No one is forcing you to be here, there's the door isn't it pretty, use it. My goal in this blog is not for your benefit it's for mine. Having said that, I do hope that there are at least some people in the Universe interested in me as an individual, as a humanish creature, as an individual that is always ruled by my emotions. It's the core element in my being, my emotions.

I've found that my feelings are very much so more intense than most every one else on this spinning ball of mud, a fact that sometimes makes my individuality that much more isolating and lonely. People in general take that intensity in the wrong context, throw a label on me and move on with out getting to know how it works, how I work. I'm not the crazy girl in Wedding Crashers, I'm not Michael Douglas in Falling Down. I will not tell you that I love in you in 5 days or less and I will not stab you in your sleep because you didn't call me. I will not send you 47 texts or stalk you. Intensity in the context of my emotions does mean that I tend to feel things more deeply than most people. Over the years I've discovered ways to channel that excess of emotion into my creative endeavors, among other things and it has become easier to be me. Discovering certain things about myself and the way that I process my feelings has led to a level of self awareness that is empowering. I have never been so very comfortable in my own skin, my core of being is a very peaceful place. It's taken allot of struggle and allot of heartache to get to this place but I made it.

It still disturbs my zen when I get someone that doesn't take the time to actually get to know me, assumes and then tosses me away. Very rarely does this bother me as most people just don't affect me at all, for that reason alone I don't find it personally offensive. However the brush with that back in October is still having a bit of a backlash. I'm still angry a bit by that whole situation not because it hurt me but because that person projected their insecurity, fear, and self esteem issues on to me, twisted and tried to make it my fault in the lamest way possible to avoid feeling the guilt and taking personal responsibility for their own feelings. The part that does make me feel bad is that I lost a friend of 20 years, but obviously I thought more of friendship in general because he's the one that discarded it.

I think that you would be surprised by how often the individuality not just in physical appearance but in personality isolates me from other people. Why don't I just conform my appearance and bury my feelings and outspoken intense personality, you ask? A reasonable question. Because I can't. It physically and emotionally is painful for me to attempt it. Because I won't. I've changed my whole being for others, I've changed for professional reasons and I don't believe it's necessary for me to change the person that I am, I refuse to sacrifice my whole being for anything or anyone. I have no need to be accepted by a society that will judge me by my physical appearance and not by that which truly matters such as my ability to love unconditionally, my honor, loyalty without limitations, friendship without boundaries. These are the things that matter, the beauty of my soul not the color of my hair, my honesty and respect not my nail polish. I want people to look at these values that I would die for, to look deeper without preconceived prejudice. But if they choose not to love me for my individuality and discard me for societal discriminations than I honestly could care less because obviously they aren't worth my minimum level of attention.

I do have a specific blog I would like to write in reference to a friends decision that's somehow getting laid at my feet but I've been writing all day and I need a break now, lol.

Haven't come up with a good closing line for this blog yet, any ideas?

Bex