I know

I know that he will be leaving. That I have a few short months and then it will be over. I also know that if his insecurities are tried he will leave sooner. I am okay with the knowledge of him leaving because it's not like he wasn't up front with me about his plans. I once told him that I would rather be all in 100% emotionally, mentally, physically than to cheat myself of an experience with him. And the hurt that will come from him leaving is all part of that experience because you can't have the sweet in life without the sour.

I fell in love with him.

It took me by surprise because for once I didn't just jump in to a relationship and follow nothing but my emotions. I've put thought into every move I've made with him. I've considered every option and calculated all the risks before I've made any decisions at all. And because I took that approach it's been a very comfortable co-existence. But in the past few days I've come to discover that I am completely and totally in love with him. Now how did that happen without me seeing it or even sensing it coming? How did that happen with out me knowing it? Damn it, Damn it all. Wasn't really looking to have that extent of an emotional response and thought that by going about this with my head and not my irrational emotions that I'd escape this particular response. This completely blows my theory on how my emotions work.

The confusing point in all of this is that loving him makes me happy, he makes me happy. While loving him and being with him makes me happy, I can't tell him that. If I tell him that I love him I run the risk of triggering the emotional insecurity he has about deserving love and in turn he will walk away rather than stay, so it will end sooner. It's all very tragic really. Love him happy because of him, can't tell him or tell him he makes me happy I love him and lose him sooner. This is like a bad novel.

I'e been considering taking my usual course of action, consequences be damned. Just come right out and tell him "I love you and T, you make me happy." and then just brace myself for whatever happens. But when it comes right down to it, I'm a great big emotional coward because I don't want to run the risk of losing him before I absolutely have to. I don't want to say goodbye to the man that I'm in love with until his bags are packed and he's on the road to Arizona. I never have looked that forward in a relationship before but this one came with a general expiration date so it's forced me too. He makes me smile, really smile from the inside, whole heartedly smile, have you ever done that? It's an amazing feeling to smile like that.

I know that he doesn't realize what a wonderful, intelligent, inspiring, beautiful and loving person he is. Wish he could see in himself what I see when I look at him for just a moment.