Gestures

It amazes me that there is so much that I don't fear in this world. I've had guns pointed at me, I've been shot at, I've jumped (voluntarily) out of an airplane, I've slid down a rope out of helicopter, I've dumped a motorcycle and slid 120 feet got back up and drove off, on and on and on the list continues of Bex death defying acts. One simple gesture of emotion has me ready to crawl under the bed and hide forever. I've never been so damned scared in my life. I think I'd rather be shot at again, it's easier. Seriously. If your getting shot at the adrenaline pumps and the survivor instinct takes over, easy! You make an emotional gesture and it fails epic, your emotionally shredded. The only instinct in that is to cry, be embarrassed and feel rejected.

I feel in my heart that this is not going to play out the way I'd like it to and that's where half of my anxiety comes from. I've been playing it out in my head and I think I'm okay with it ending in the way that it's been explained to me but there's always that little piece of me that hopes something will change before now and then. 99.9% of the time I'm just happy in the situation, truly. I'm fabulous with just letting it all flow naturally. Sharing space, sharing time comes as easy as breathing and feels as natural. However, the last time it felt as easy as breathing I choked on it. So that makes it a tad bit scary but again it's not something that generally crosses my thoughts so I don't stress it.

Now though I've taken the time and energy to put forth a gesture of my feelings and I'm terrified that small gesture will be politely accepted and then the "Talk" will commence soon after. The talk about the unreciprocated feelings and not looking into the comfort of the situation and etc etc etc.

Ya know I fought with the decision over this stupid gesture for days and finally just came to the decision that fuck it, let's just go balls to the wall, consequences be damned, it'll be what it's meant to be. Yeah, see that hill? I'm gonna take that hill in blind force and fortify that bitch of a hill, HOOAH!!!!!

Then I'm going to curl up in my fortification on my hill and wish I hadn't made the damn decision.

becky<3