My heart is in your hands and there for will remain Forever Broken
Becky
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
I know
I know that he will be leaving. That I have a few short months and then it will be over. I also know that if his insecurities are tried he will leave sooner. I am okay with the knowledge of him leaving because it's not like he wasn't up front with me about his plans. I once told him that I would rather be all in 100% emotionally, mentally, physically than to cheat myself of an experience with him. And the hurt that will come from him leaving is all part of that experience because you can't have the sweet in life without the sour.
I fell in love with him.
It took me by surprise because for once I didn't just jump in to a relationship and follow nothing but my emotions. I've put thought into every move I've made with him. I've considered every option and calculated all the risks before I've made any decisions at all. And because I took that approach it's been a very comfortable co-existence. But in the past few days I've come to discover that I am completely and totally in love with him. Now how did that happen without me seeing it or even sensing it coming? How did that happen with out me knowing it? Damn it, Damn it all. Wasn't really looking to have that extent of an emotional response and thought that by going about this with my head and not my irrational emotions that I'd escape this particular response. This completely blows my theory on how my emotions work.
The confusing point in all of this is that loving him makes me happy, he makes me happy. While loving him and being with him makes me happy, I can't tell him that. If I tell him that I love him I run the risk of triggering the emotional insecurity he has about deserving love and in turn he will walk away rather than stay, so it will end sooner. It's all very tragic really. Love him happy because of him, can't tell him or tell him he makes me happy I love him and lose him sooner. This is like a bad novel.
I'e been considering taking my usual course of action, consequences be damned. Just come right out and tell him "I love you and T, you make me happy." and then just brace myself for whatever happens. But when it comes right down to it, I'm a great big emotional coward because I don't want to run the risk of losing him before I absolutely have to. I don't want to say goodbye to the man that I'm in love with until his bags are packed and he's on the road to Arizona. I never have looked that forward in a relationship before but this one came with a general expiration date so it's forced me too. He makes me smile, really smile from the inside, whole heartedly smile, have you ever done that? It's an amazing feeling to smile like that.
I know that he doesn't realize what a wonderful, intelligent, inspiring, beautiful and loving person he is. Wish he could see in himself what I see when I look at him for just a moment.
I fell in love with him.
It took me by surprise because for once I didn't just jump in to a relationship and follow nothing but my emotions. I've put thought into every move I've made with him. I've considered every option and calculated all the risks before I've made any decisions at all. And because I took that approach it's been a very comfortable co-existence. But in the past few days I've come to discover that I am completely and totally in love with him. Now how did that happen without me seeing it or even sensing it coming? How did that happen with out me knowing it? Damn it, Damn it all. Wasn't really looking to have that extent of an emotional response and thought that by going about this with my head and not my irrational emotions that I'd escape this particular response. This completely blows my theory on how my emotions work.
The confusing point in all of this is that loving him makes me happy, he makes me happy. While loving him and being with him makes me happy, I can't tell him that. If I tell him that I love him I run the risk of triggering the emotional insecurity he has about deserving love and in turn he will walk away rather than stay, so it will end sooner. It's all very tragic really. Love him happy because of him, can't tell him or tell him he makes me happy I love him and lose him sooner. This is like a bad novel.
I'e been considering taking my usual course of action, consequences be damned. Just come right out and tell him "I love you and T, you make me happy." and then just brace myself for whatever happens. But when it comes right down to it, I'm a great big emotional coward because I don't want to run the risk of losing him before I absolutely have to. I don't want to say goodbye to the man that I'm in love with until his bags are packed and he's on the road to Arizona. I never have looked that forward in a relationship before but this one came with a general expiration date so it's forced me too. He makes me smile, really smile from the inside, whole heartedly smile, have you ever done that? It's an amazing feeling to smile like that.
I know that he doesn't realize what a wonderful, intelligent, inspiring, beautiful and loving person he is. Wish he could see in himself what I see when I look at him for just a moment.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Making it epic
If you knew there was an expiration time or time limit on something good in your life, would you give up or would you give it everything you had to make it everything it could be? Would you walk away from it, giving up because of an inevitable end? Would you just handle it half way under the misguided thought of what's the point in giving it your all if it's going to end anyway?
I knew going in to this that there was a time limit and I've fought with my feelings about this for a bit. I said before, I'm fine 99.9% of the time but there are still those moments when it gets to me.
Yesterday I made my decision, given my personality it wasn't really ever a choice. I'm putting myself all in. I'd rather have Happily ever 4 months, than nothing at all.
My belief has always been to experience anything and everything that you have the opportunity to. Fall in love again and again, get your heart broken, find something that gives you pure joy and keep doing it, feel EVERYTHING! Because even the unpleasant feelings of being heart broken, sad, lost, even all those hurtful feelings will teach you something in your journey through life. Don't go through life half way people, take it to the limit and back again, never hold back because you could lose the chance for something great.
Choose to make everything epic never settle for mediocre, that's not living it's just existing.
I'm choosing epic, I can't speak for the other half of this equation but I'm choosing to live and experience this to the fullest possible. A half way life has never been for me. It's all or nothing.
Making it Epic,
Becky
I knew going in to this that there was a time limit and I've fought with my feelings about this for a bit. I said before, I'm fine 99.9% of the time but there are still those moments when it gets to me.
Yesterday I made my decision, given my personality it wasn't really ever a choice. I'm putting myself all in. I'd rather have Happily ever 4 months, than nothing at all.
My belief has always been to experience anything and everything that you have the opportunity to. Fall in love again and again, get your heart broken, find something that gives you pure joy and keep doing it, feel EVERYTHING! Because even the unpleasant feelings of being heart broken, sad, lost, even all those hurtful feelings will teach you something in your journey through life. Don't go through life half way people, take it to the limit and back again, never hold back because you could lose the chance for something great.
Choose to make everything epic never settle for mediocre, that's not living it's just existing.
I'm choosing epic, I can't speak for the other half of this equation but I'm choosing to live and experience this to the fullest possible. A half way life has never been for me. It's all or nothing.
Making it Epic,
Becky
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Gestures
It amazes me that there is so much that I don't fear in this world. I've had guns pointed at me, I've been shot at, I've jumped (voluntarily) out of an airplane, I've slid down a rope out of helicopter, I've dumped a motorcycle and slid 120 feet got back up and drove off, on and on and on the list continues of Bex death defying acts. One simple gesture of emotion has me ready to crawl under the bed and hide forever. I've never been so damned scared in my life. I think I'd rather be shot at again, it's easier. Seriously. If your getting shot at the adrenaline pumps and the survivor instinct takes over, easy! You make an emotional gesture and it fails epic, your emotionally shredded. The only instinct in that is to cry, be embarrassed and feel rejected.
I feel in my heart that this is not going to play out the way I'd like it to and that's where half of my anxiety comes from. I've been playing it out in my head and I think I'm okay with it ending in the way that it's been explained to me but there's always that little piece of me that hopes something will change before now and then. 99.9% of the time I'm just happy in the situation, truly. I'm fabulous with just letting it all flow naturally. Sharing space, sharing time comes as easy as breathing and feels as natural. However, the last time it felt as easy as breathing I choked on it. So that makes it a tad bit scary but again it's not something that generally crosses my thoughts so I don't stress it.
Now though I've taken the time and energy to put forth a gesture of my feelings and I'm terrified that small gesture will be politely accepted and then the "Talk" will commence soon after. The talk about the unreciprocated feelings and not looking into the comfort of the situation and etc etc etc.
Ya know I fought with the decision over this stupid gesture for days and finally just came to the decision that fuck it, let's just go balls to the wall, consequences be damned, it'll be what it's meant to be. Yeah, see that hill? I'm gonna take that hill in blind force and fortify that bitch of a hill, HOOAH!!!!!
Then I'm going to curl up in my fortification on my hill and wish I hadn't made the damn decision.
becky<3
I feel in my heart that this is not going to play out the way I'd like it to and that's where half of my anxiety comes from. I've been playing it out in my head and I think I'm okay with it ending in the way that it's been explained to me but there's always that little piece of me that hopes something will change before now and then. 99.9% of the time I'm just happy in the situation, truly. I'm fabulous with just letting it all flow naturally. Sharing space, sharing time comes as easy as breathing and feels as natural. However, the last time it felt as easy as breathing I choked on it. So that makes it a tad bit scary but again it's not something that generally crosses my thoughts so I don't stress it.
Now though I've taken the time and energy to put forth a gesture of my feelings and I'm terrified that small gesture will be politely accepted and then the "Talk" will commence soon after. The talk about the unreciprocated feelings and not looking into the comfort of the situation and etc etc etc.
Ya know I fought with the decision over this stupid gesture for days and finally just came to the decision that fuck it, let's just go balls to the wall, consequences be damned, it'll be what it's meant to be. Yeah, see that hill? I'm gonna take that hill in blind force and fortify that bitch of a hill, HOOAH!!!!!
Then I'm going to curl up in my fortification on my hill and wish I hadn't made the damn decision.
becky<3
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Sometimes
Sometimes I have to wonder if it could ever be like the pretty pictures that I paint for us in my mind. Sometimes I have to wonder if you regret the words that you speak to me at night when you see them in the morning light. Sometimes my heart races at the sound of the phone or a knock at the door because sometimes I think it might be you.
Sometimes I thumb through the memories of you like the pages in my photo albums. Replaying every single moment, every word spoken, every laugh, every kiss.
Sometimes my mind is able to block the harsh words that you through at me. Sometimes I'm able to forget the heartache and sometimes I can look forward to imaginary possibilities.
Sometimes I can believe that you could be my one. Sometimes.
Sometimes I thumb through the memories of you like the pages in my photo albums. Replaying every single moment, every word spoken, every laugh, every kiss.
Sometimes my mind is able to block the harsh words that you through at me. Sometimes I'm able to forget the heartache and sometimes I can look forward to imaginary possibilities.
Sometimes I can believe that you could be my one. Sometimes.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
The Spiral
Sometimes your life spirals out of control and you never saw it coming. And then there are times it spirals out of control, you see every inch of the spiral in minute detail in crystal clarity. So that the destruction of your reality will forever be in violent contrast to every good moment from that point forward. A smile, a loving touch will be shadowed throughout your existence by the recollection of the spiral. It won't matter if a heart is given to you, the love from another will never replace the love for yourself lost in the downward spiral Instead of letting the spiral go, to move on and move forward, you've conceded to let it envelope your soul and consume what was once a beautiful soul. Sometimes something broken can never be fixed no matter how much another wishes it differently.
BEX
BEX
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)