http:bexchaosandcandy.blogspot.com
You should read this.
BEX
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Another night
Just another night without sleep. I hate nights because it's the time that I am most awake and my mind is most active. In my entire existence there has only been 1 that had enough of a calming effect on me to get me to sleep. Get me to sleep and still keep my ability to dream. Miss that.
Other than the complete lack of sleep, I'm okay more now. I rearranged and did a cleansing on the house, I've been writing more and I'm beginning to be alright when I am alone. I think the buddies sense this because they've loosened my leash a bit more, lately.
Eventually I know that our paths will cross, probably sooner than I'd like. I'd like to be completely healed before that time comes. Ha, winter can't come soon enough for my liking because then at least I'll have less of a chance of accidentally running into him.
I wear the St. Michael medallion everyday and rarely take it off, not as a reminder but I believe it was always meant to be for me.
For the most part I harbor no more ill will. I've come to realize that it's a huge waste of my energy and expending negativity only gets you negativity back 3 fold. I guess it's all part of the process. I can't waste any more on wishing, or on blaming myself, on self deprecation, I can't wonder anymore, or worry anymore, I can't think of what might have been anymore. I've realized this and despite the minor setbacks, I've truly in my heart and mind accepted this.
Of course I can't take complete credit for that positive move forward either. I have a very important person that's helped out more than I deserve, unfortunately he'll be leaving very soon. But I like to believe that even though he appeared in my life accidentally because of his own issues that maybe fate had a plan and we were thrown together to help each other. I'll miss him terribly but am not saddened by his return home. His path does not and has never belonged here. I know that we will visit and talk often and that he will accomplish great things that will make me even prouder to call him my friend. I don't know that I'll ever be able to express my gratitude, love, or respect correctly or clearly to my friend but as always I will hope he knows that without his help I wouldn't have been able to accomplish this.
A broken heart remains forever broken but only for the person that broke it. A heart mends and eventually will love again. I have to believe in that, to have faith in that. My heart will always remain broken for Tony but that doesn't mean that I'll cease to love forever. Someone asked me yesterday because they are in love with someone else, if I thought that they should come forward and tell the person "I Love You" (seriously, true story and it still boggles my mind why they'd ask me for advice on this shit being that I'm such an EPIC fucking fail at love, weird huh?).
Here's what I said and I meant every word " Never pass up love for anything, even as much as my heart has been broken I've never regretted loving someone or being in love because love makes life better in every way. Even if it fades, the experience is worth it. Life doesn't give second chances. You have to ask yourself do ya go for it or wonder for the rest of your life what might have been. Life is too short to pass up chances, experiences and adventures. If you pass up the chance of love than you will find yourself a very lonely person. If it comes to a broken heart at least you can say that you tried."
My optimisim and belief in Love is still there.
And on that positive note, I'm going to go stare at the ceiling, oh I mean sleep lol.
Becky <3
Other than the complete lack of sleep, I'm okay more now. I rearranged and did a cleansing on the house, I've been writing more and I'm beginning to be alright when I am alone. I think the buddies sense this because they've loosened my leash a bit more, lately.
Eventually I know that our paths will cross, probably sooner than I'd like. I'd like to be completely healed before that time comes. Ha, winter can't come soon enough for my liking because then at least I'll have less of a chance of accidentally running into him.
I wear the St. Michael medallion everyday and rarely take it off, not as a reminder but I believe it was always meant to be for me.
For the most part I harbor no more ill will. I've come to realize that it's a huge waste of my energy and expending negativity only gets you negativity back 3 fold. I guess it's all part of the process. I can't waste any more on wishing, or on blaming myself, on self deprecation, I can't wonder anymore, or worry anymore, I can't think of what might have been anymore. I've realized this and despite the minor setbacks, I've truly in my heart and mind accepted this.
Of course I can't take complete credit for that positive move forward either. I have a very important person that's helped out more than I deserve, unfortunately he'll be leaving very soon. But I like to believe that even though he appeared in my life accidentally because of his own issues that maybe fate had a plan and we were thrown together to help each other. I'll miss him terribly but am not saddened by his return home. His path does not and has never belonged here. I know that we will visit and talk often and that he will accomplish great things that will make me even prouder to call him my friend. I don't know that I'll ever be able to express my gratitude, love, or respect correctly or clearly to my friend but as always I will hope he knows that without his help I wouldn't have been able to accomplish this.
A broken heart remains forever broken but only for the person that broke it. A heart mends and eventually will love again. I have to believe in that, to have faith in that. My heart will always remain broken for Tony but that doesn't mean that I'll cease to love forever. Someone asked me yesterday because they are in love with someone else, if I thought that they should come forward and tell the person "I Love You" (seriously, true story and it still boggles my mind why they'd ask me for advice on this shit being that I'm such an EPIC fucking fail at love, weird huh?).
Here's what I said and I meant every word " Never pass up love for anything, even as much as my heart has been broken I've never regretted loving someone or being in love because love makes life better in every way. Even if it fades, the experience is worth it. Life doesn't give second chances. You have to ask yourself do ya go for it or wonder for the rest of your life what might have been. Life is too short to pass up chances, experiences and adventures. If you pass up the chance of love than you will find yourself a very lonely person. If it comes to a broken heart at least you can say that you tried."
My optimisim and belief in Love is still there.
And on that positive note, I'm going to go stare at the ceiling, oh I mean sleep lol.
Becky <3
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Melancholy
There are still good days and bad days. The other day I was on my balcony and spotted the little brown mouse that lives under the opposite buildings porch, I haven't seen him in months and had given up hope that he was still alive. My first instinct was to tell Tony to come see Mickey. I pulled up short and the reality hit me like a ton of bricks and the sadness hit me like a wave crashing down on me. But then after seeing him last saturday and the shit he pulled after I saw him, I realized that it is over and no matter how hard or much I wish things had gone differently, things are the way they are. There will always be reminders and there will always be things that make me sad but there is also allot of good in my life. I've cocooned myself in my little world for 5 weeks and will continue to do so until I feel ready to do otherwise. I'm healing. Little by little I am healing. And on those days that I'm not okay, my guys are there to pick me up and love me till I forget the hurt that feels like a hole in my chest. They hold me when I can't stop crying, they dry my tears and then remind me that I am loved unconditionally. We go out and about as a pack so that they can insure that I'm safe, we BBQ every weekend as a family. Right now this is what I need to continue healing. Slowly I'm getting there. My hair is pink again, which if you know me signals that the darkest days are past and we are moving back into the light once again. I will, someday be okay again. I will be whole again. Right now I want to concentrate on my friends and my little Universe where I am safe and happy.
Bex
Bex
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