I'll get over it

This too shall pass, I'll get past it. I'm stronger than all this and this is nothing more than a raindrop in an ocean. I will not sit here and feel sorry for myself, I will not dwell on woulda, coulda, shoulda. Yes I will be sad because I've had too much loss in the past 5 days to not grieve but it will not consume me or define me. Although I will walk out of this, I will not walk out of it unscathed. I've broken my own rules for a year and pursued a relationship and each time it has blown up in my face magnificently. I've wasted a year of my life searching for something that does not exist. Before a year ago, I didn't date, no one was allowed in my world and there were never emotions involved. I was financially stable, emotionally stable and content within my world. I miss that sense of peace and tranquility. My new goal is to get this all back. It's time to focus on rebuilding my little empire.  

Painful but necessary

Life waits for no one and no one gets out alive. I spent 7 months in a relationship that didn't make particularly happy last year. I figured that if I held out maybe something would change and it would become what I wanted. Of course that is a very naive approach, it never changed and I woke up realizing that I had wasted 7 months of my life for nothing. I do not want to do that again.

I can't sit around waiting to live a life with Matt when the time is right. I can't have an existence and put my life on hold, I can't wake up months from now realizing that time has slipped by with me being unhappy.

I've found myself in many ways right back where I was a year ago only this time it's clear to me that I need to make changes instead of just letting life happen around me. This time I need to make the necessary changes to a relationship in order to be happy instead of waiting for it to change. If it's goodbye then it's goodbye. It will hurt but it'll hurt less to walk away now then 7 months from now. I'll shed my tears but continue on my journey forever learning about life. 

Life at a stand still but with pretty scenery

Of course as per usual my life is at a stand still. I'm waiting and waiting, stuck at an impasse until the Universe sees fit to let me in on the scheme of things. I actually believe that this time maybe it's for a positive turn this time. Only because I am exactly back where I was last year, right back at square one. Last year was a hurricane of negativity, every time I got myself up and out of it some new swell would bring me under and drown me. I lost allot of myself but consequently learned allot about myself and fixed allot of personal issues. It wasn't all positive though, as expected there was a certain amount of negative impact as well. I'm not as trusting or as willing to help as I use to be. And I tend to be much more suspicious than I ever was before.

Despite all of that and all of the things that I am getting hit with currently, there is beauty in my life, my Universe. True and heartfelt beauty that blinds me every time that I look at it, takes my breath away every single time. I am grateful every moment for this respite from the black clouds. Without the dark, how would we truly appreciate the Sun? A once in a lifetime God given miracle handed me my very own personal Sun :) It's nice to feel it's warmth after being submerged in the cold for so long.

Becky