alone

laying in the dark, crying, wondering what it was I did wrong this time.

The constant confusion of is it me or is it him or is it us or is it something unknown, is my only companion in the dark.

i think I'd rather have my warm tears than the cold chasm of animosity.

The unyielding sorrow is warmer in my heart than the fake attempt of sincerity.

Laying in the dark, crying for someone lost that was never mine.

Feeling the hole of nothingness where my heart once was.

Becky

Think I've made my decision

After having my feelings negated time and again, I think I've made my decision to just let go. If it means something to him than he'll have to choose to make an honest effort towards our relationship but I don't see that ever happening. He's too selfish to care what any other human being's feeling. It would be nice but I've been fooling myself this entire time thinking he would be as vested as I am in our life together and that maybe he'd become more emotional or at least considerate of how I feel. All to no avail, so I am throwing in the towel and counting my losses. I give up, I lost this one and I've learned valuable lessons. OVER, DONE WITH, GONE!!!!

Becky

frustrating to say the least

So sunday I got absolutely wasted with my friends. It's a long standing tradition on Mother's Day to get drunk as hell. Tony wasn't happy. He doesn't like my drinking because he always see's me when I'm binging instead of just chilling and knocking a few back. In my defense I'm not usually this bad with binge drinking but living with him tends to bring out the worst in me. Mostly because it is such an emotionally stifling atmosphere around him. Communication on our relationship does not exist. It's immpossible because when ever I try, he gets defensive and loud and then it just leads to the two of us yelling over the top of each other. It's not in my nature to be so submissive so I lash out. I drink till I fall down because it's my way of getting back at him. But then the next day I get to deal with his passive/aggressive punishment. All day he will make snarky side comments and little "hey remember this..." comments and just needle me every chance that he gets. Which in turn just makes me want to go out and do it again only WAY worse. I'm the Queen of debauchery when I know it will drive someone insane.

The problem is this: I feel stifled and controlled and the passive/aggressive anger makes it worse. Need to try and figure out a way to approach him one more time before just giving up entirely. I love him very much but not enough to give up even an inch of who I am and all that I've worked for. And I don't feel in my heart that he'll be staying too long after his court problems are wrapped up next month, I think honestly that he'll be gone as soon as he gets the green light. This was nothing more than a convienant and comfortable place to waste time till he could go. We had spoken about moving out of state together but I think that was just to placate me. Just wish everything in this relationship were a bit more open and black and white. You can't say that you want to run away with me and then talk about getting your own apartment. You can't treat me like a 5 year old and then expect me to have dinner for you. It does not work like that, I don't work like that. And with out any positive reinforcement from him in this relationship it just makes me want to lash out and hurt him as much as I can so that he's hurting like me.

I just don't understand and I want more than anything to understand. I want to know where this is going, is it worth my time, my love, my effort, is it worth adapting and changing for someone? What in god's name does he want, need, expect? There are never any concise answers with him and it's unbelievably frustrating on so many levels.

I don't know, I don't understand and I want to so badly.
Bec

Jaded?

I don't think that I'm jaded or hardened. If I were either of those things than I wouldn't have the ability or capacity to love as I do, I wouldn't find joy in little things like a pretty rock or looking at the stars and wishing on one every night (bet you never noticed that I do that as soon as we are on the porch and the stars are out)

I like to think that I've protected some of my innocence along the way. It's one of the reasons that I take the time to go for a walk or stand in the sunshine or color for an hour, it's why I play with bubbles and bouncy balls and side walk chalk. I refuse to give these things up because truly they make me happy. I can get lost playing with these things to the point that I forget there's supposed to be pretenses and expectations and in that one pure moment I can just exist and be me. I don't have to be a mom, a responsible adult, a girlfriend, or a grown up. In that perfect moment I can just be Bex and be in my world and nothing can touch me there. I can love and there are no repercussions, I can just feel and not have to hold it all in or hide it. I don't have to act in those moments because to be honest the show that I have to put on for the duration is usually exhausting to me, in a perfect world I would just be able to exist as me and never have to pretend again. I think that would make you more uncomfortable than anything else. You say that you like that picture because it was before I became jaded and yet you jade me more than anything else I've come across so far and I don't even think that you notice this. I believe truly and completely with all of my heart in Love above all things I believe in Love. You don't and have told me that it won't exist between us. I'll never hear those words from you no matter how much I want to. It crushes my innocent belief in true love and jades me into second guessing my belief in love. I want someone to come outside and walk in the sun with me, play and laugh. Come and forget all that you know or think you know, let it go and just exist to have fun.

"The greatest thing that you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return" Toulouse

Becky