Jaded?

I don't think that I'm jaded or hardened. If I were either of those things than I wouldn't have the ability or capacity to love as I do, I wouldn't find joy in little things like a pretty rock or looking at the stars and wishing on one every night (bet you never noticed that I do that as soon as we are on the porch and the stars are out)

I like to think that I've protected some of my innocence along the way. It's one of the reasons that I take the time to go for a walk or stand in the sunshine or color for an hour, it's why I play with bubbles and bouncy balls and side walk chalk. I refuse to give these things up because truly they make me happy. I can get lost playing with these things to the point that I forget there's supposed to be pretenses and expectations and in that one pure moment I can just exist and be me. I don't have to be a mom, a responsible adult, a girlfriend, or a grown up. In that perfect moment I can just be Bex and be in my world and nothing can touch me there. I can love and there are no repercussions, I can just feel and not have to hold it all in or hide it. I don't have to act in those moments because to be honest the show that I have to put on for the duration is usually exhausting to me, in a perfect world I would just be able to exist as me and never have to pretend again. I think that would make you more uncomfortable than anything else. You say that you like that picture because it was before I became jaded and yet you jade me more than anything else I've come across so far and I don't even think that you notice this. I believe truly and completely with all of my heart in Love above all things I believe in Love. You don't and have told me that it won't exist between us. I'll never hear those words from you no matter how much I want to. It crushes my innocent belief in true love and jades me into second guessing my belief in love. I want someone to come outside and walk in the sun with me, play and laugh. Come and forget all that you know or think you know, let it go and just exist to have fun.

"The greatest thing that you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return" Toulouse

Becky