frustrating to say the least

So sunday I got absolutely wasted with my friends. It's a long standing tradition on Mother's Day to get drunk as hell. Tony wasn't happy. He doesn't like my drinking because he always see's me when I'm binging instead of just chilling and knocking a few back. In my defense I'm not usually this bad with binge drinking but living with him tends to bring out the worst in me. Mostly because it is such an emotionally stifling atmosphere around him. Communication on our relationship does not exist. It's immpossible because when ever I try, he gets defensive and loud and then it just leads to the two of us yelling over the top of each other. It's not in my nature to be so submissive so I lash out. I drink till I fall down because it's my way of getting back at him. But then the next day I get to deal with his passive/aggressive punishment. All day he will make snarky side comments and little "hey remember this..." comments and just needle me every chance that he gets. Which in turn just makes me want to go out and do it again only WAY worse. I'm the Queen of debauchery when I know it will drive someone insane.

The problem is this: I feel stifled and controlled and the passive/aggressive anger makes it worse. Need to try and figure out a way to approach him one more time before just giving up entirely. I love him very much but not enough to give up even an inch of who I am and all that I've worked for. And I don't feel in my heart that he'll be staying too long after his court problems are wrapped up next month, I think honestly that he'll be gone as soon as he gets the green light. This was nothing more than a convienant and comfortable place to waste time till he could go. We had spoken about moving out of state together but I think that was just to placate me. Just wish everything in this relationship were a bit more open and black and white. You can't say that you want to run away with me and then talk about getting your own apartment. You can't treat me like a 5 year old and then expect me to have dinner for you. It does not work like that, I don't work like that. And with out any positive reinforcement from him in this relationship it just makes me want to lash out and hurt him as much as I can so that he's hurting like me.

I just don't understand and I want more than anything to understand. I want to know where this is going, is it worth my time, my love, my effort, is it worth adapting and changing for someone? What in god's name does he want, need, expect? There are never any concise answers with him and it's unbelievably frustrating on so many levels.

I don't know, I don't understand and I want to so badly.
Bec