sigh

I can't seem to fall out of love with you no matter how much time passes, no matter what has happened or what's been said. I love you and I miss you. 

Dreaming and waking

Been having the strangest dreams in the past week. The same person is always in them and when I wake up I can't seem to shake that person out of my head. I think my subconscious is trying to tell me to deal with unresolved situations in a time in my life when so much is being resolved so absolutely. Then again it's possible that they're just dreams and I am reading too much into it but I heard a song today that made me think that maybe just maybe your dreaming of me too. But if you don't dream of me, don't think of me, if there is nothing there, than I will not regret what time I had with you. I will remember it kindly and realize that sometimes, dreams are just dreams like little movies playing in your head while you sleep. Waking however, will be a bit sadder for that realization. 

I wonder

I wonder if anyone at all realizes the toll all of this takes on me? People expect me to be there when they need me for money, a place to live, moral, emotional support, encouragement, pay their bills, food, nicotine, etc. But does anyone ever stop to realize the financial and emotional exhaustion that I feel having to be everyone else's rock? Does anyone stop to consider how mentally draining it is to me to constantly have to pick up other people's pieces? Does anyone ever stop to consider that I fall to pieces too? Is there just one person that stops to consider how I feel when someone I love purposefully acts malicious to me because of their own insecurity, again and again but then expects me to give 110% when they need me.

I am so completely tired, exhausted from others expectations. Just want to crawl under the covers and stay there. I don't want to hear the words "Want, need" ever again.

Going to sleep.
Becky 

I will not....

I will not be there when you fall down and I will not be there as your fail safe, fall back individual any longer. I am not going to be there to make you feel good about the person that you are when you constantly make me feel like less than what I am. You take my kindness, my unconditional true love, my loyalty and my compromising for granted for the last time. You keep looking for the greener grass on the other side of the fence than please by all means, stay on that side of the fence and stop coming back to my side. I'm tired of one day having you tell me things that make my heart soar and then you destroy it with one blow and have no sense that what you have said or done would hurt me. How could you be so inconsiderate a person? How could you have so little regard for me, my feelings, or my humanity? How do you justify that????

And I'm just the stupid fucking sucker that's believed in you.

I'm the dupe that thought because I saw something good in you that it was true.

Truth is sometimes cruel.

Becky

Ghosts and Goodbyes

I can’t look anywhere in this, my small piece of the World, without having the memories bombard me. Lying next to you in bed, talking until the Dawn’s first light, Making love uninhibited, you and I walking  hand in hand across the lot to begin an adventure, Snuggled on the couch watching television on a rainy day, Seeing you walking up my walk and anticipating you walking through my door, The first glimpse of you when I wake. There is no respite here from the cascade of memories. I can’t seem to escape the ghost of “Us”.

I wish that it were just in this confined space that I encounter these ghosts but everywhere I go there you are, invading my present with our past. Time is supposed to heal all wounds but these wounds have grown worse with every moment passed. I have not recovered, I have covered up and hidden the true damage done to the very core of my being. I have painted on smiles with every stroke of lipstick, hidden the pain reflected in my eyes with the darkest of eyeliners and distracted prying eyes with the most revealing of clothing. How very ironic, isn’t it?

Under the guise of friendship I have kept you in my world because sometimes, something is better than nothing. In the end it has just made it more difficult to repair myself. I should have just walked away completely, but I was not that strong. I couldn’t stand to say goodbye, couldn’t bear the thought of losing you so completely. I wanted to hold on to any little piece of you that I could so that my heart would not shatter into so many sharp, tiny, fragile shards. In the end it was you that shut and locked the door on us so thoroughly. Oh, how easy you made that seem, to just walk out of my life without a backwards glance, to begin your life fresh, easy breezy. Goodbye is such an easy word to say but so hard an action to accomplish when love alters ones inner self completely as it does me.

It’s time for me to leave all of this behind me. I have to let go of the memories, the ghosts that haunt me every moment of every single day. I have to say goodbye to this place and its torment. It’s time to pack my bags and begin a new life somewhere with no past just a future to look forward to. I have to do this to save myself from getting lost in this depressing abyss. I say goodbye to you in order to say hello to a new beginning. It is time to think about what is good for me.

In the deepest recess of my heart I wish that you would come to me wanting to leave together or ask me to stay for you but if I have learned one thing from you it is that fairy tales don’t exist and happily ever after is just the last sentence in a pretty story.  

Becky

I don't get it?

There are times when I am forced to take a good long look at something that will upset me. Generally I can do this and get through it but there are times when it's too much and I snap. It's like getting kicked in the chest or falling and you knock the wind out of your lungs. I can't breathe. Eventually I get my air back, recover but there's always that moment that I start to think about it and as is my way, I try to make sense of it. I analyze the situation front to back, inside and out. I try to put myself in the opposite position, to see it from different perspectives. I take into consideration all points of view. There are times like now that make this impossible. Because it doesn't make sense at all. If someone offered you a Porterhouse Steak or a Big Mac, you'd take the steak every time. Why then would you settle for a woman that is my inferior, why choose someone that is obviously not even in my league, financially, intellectually, physically? Why choose a knock off when you could have the Couture? Makes no sense to me. I think I am truly beginning to hate men. Or at least all the ones that I know. Time to meet new ones and kick these morons in the ass. I will not sit around waiting while you take advantage of my easy going nature. And I will not be here when you realize that you made a mistake, again. I will be long gone...........

Becky

Changing my stars

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that my luck and my stars have changed. Since Saturday life has been allot cheerier place :) We'll see I suppose. But for now I am content and I'm just going to continue to be easy breezy because there is absolutely no point in stressing about things that I can not control, nor do I want to control. I'm smiling right now and that is all that matters :)

Bex

Partners

We talked for 2 days. We chose to walk this path together, again. I dislike that you did not talk to me about what you were going through, that you chose to cut me off for 2 days and chose to go through it alone. That's not fair. You got on my case for not using the words "Our Life" but chose to cut me out of Our life when things got tough on you. I'm here, for better or worse, I will stand by your side and fight the world but you have to let me! You can't choose what parts I see and which I don't, I love you. Not just pieces of you, the whole you. Did you think that knowing you were having problems would frighten me off in some way? Everyone has problems, some worse, some better. I resent that you didn't trust me and believe in our or my love enough to lean on me when you needed to. We are partners, together. If we are going to overcome obstacles than we need to do it like we should be doing all things...together. I hope this is just a glitch because I already lost you once and I don't want to again.

B 

Too too too much

Once I make a decision, then I'm okay. It's deciding what the best course of action is that always gets me. I over think everything and I spend entirely too much time in my head by the time I'm done with the thought process, my opportunity to act has usually passed me by. There are entirely too many things happening around me and too me that I have had no control over and to be honest, the times that I should have stepped up and done something, I didn't. I let it slide. Because believe it or not, I am not as confrontational as you might think. Staying in this endless cycle is just going to keep me running in place. I can't do that anymore and I can't keep taking care of other people and I can't keep putting myself out there financially and emotionally because someone else is unhappy. I hate it when the people around me aren't happy so I always do whatever I can to make certain they become happy. Usually to my own end. I have to do something now and I have to stand by my decision. Once it's done it needs to stay done. I've chosen the course of action and now it's time to snag that opportunity to act.

Becky

Allot of things change

It's been almost a month since my last post here in Hearts, mostly because I've been uncertain about my own. Allot has changed and then there is allot that is history repeating itself. And then there is a piece of history returned to me that makes me hopeful. I don't think that this Summer is going to be as anyone once had hopes for but I do believe it will be the end of an era and the beginning of a future. Then again, I have been known to be wrong so I guess it is up to the Gods and we shall see. 

So happy that I have everything that I have in my life

Bill just left to go work in the Southern Tier for the next few days, Having dinner with my mom, roommate and son tonight then chilling in front of my Sunday night shows. It may sound boring and mundane to some however, thanks to a friends big mouth and a little "Scooby" time I've discovered how very thankful I am for EVERYTHING in my life. It may seem like small time but this is my apartment and it's paid for, no one has to be here that I don't want to be here. It is MY space. My bills are ALL paid for by ME, not my parents not my friends, me. I own everything in this apartment, I don't split it with anyone, I and I alone own it. I was the one that bought it, no one bought it for me.

What I am truly in my heart and soul completely grateful and thankful for is my friends and family. My best friend lives with me, I have but to go in the other room to cry on his shoulder, laugh by his side or crack an ice cold beer on the front porch with him. I just have to throw a text out there and 30 people are in my living room laughing and having a blast. The last time I had a bad time in life I had a living room full of shoulders to cry on and they went through it all with me one step at a time.

My family. My dad is a phone call away no matter what time it is. My mom is out here with us every other weekend. My uncle's, I just have to call. My sons' are becoming beautiful men and though we may not get along all the time I love them more than my own life, whether they know it or not. I am proud of them.

Bill is one of the most beautiful souls that I have ever met. And I can't say that he is my "Jack" yet but I'm hoping. He is a wonderful, loving, fun, funny, exciting, adventurous, affectionate, caring man. Everything I wanted and didn't know to ask for. I love him with all that I am.

So happy that I have everything that I have in my life and don't have to create make believe friends and steal photo's of internet websites to pretend that I have a good life, I'm blessed to have a REAL life.

Becky

:(

Just got the news that Bill has to leave tonight for work and won't be back till wednesday. Going to miss him terribly but have had a really good weekend with him!! We've had so much fun and nice, sweet times. Can't wait till wednesday!!!!

Bec

*Sigh*

Because I've been so negligent, my blood sugar levels have been really wonky lately. And I keep getting sick because it's compromising my immune system, this always happens when I ignore what my body is trying to tell me. Sinus infections, chest infections, bladder infections, they all take advantage when I'm like this because I generally don't get sick except a cold every 2-3 years. Needless to say, of course I got sick this week. Now normally I wouldn't be excited about being in pain and sick but something happened that made me smile through all of it. See because of my past 2 experiences it's jaded me slightly towards relationships and of course it's only been a year since I began dating so.....yeah, I expected Bill to see me sick and turn tail while yelling for me to call when I'm better, LOL.

Didn't happen. He stayed by me, took me to the doctor, bought my medicine, ordered dinner so that I wouldn't have to cook, rubbed my back and never left my side for a moment :)

He's everything I could ever want and more.

Becky <3

Have had the best days :)

Oh my goodness the past week has been amazing!! Bill is an awesome man in every way possible! He's taken me shopping, gotten me presents that mean so much to me. We've gone to diner's and had awesome breakfasts, explored cool places that I had never heard of, of course he's taken me shopping, spent a day curled up watching tv together, had drinks with our friends. It's just been one beautiful moment after the next. I hope it never ends because there is nothing that I love more than getting lost in his beautiful blue eyes and feeling so safe and warm next to him every night. It's magical when I am around him, feels like the most incredible dream that I hope I never wake up from.

Becky

What a great day :)

Bill and I spent the day having adventures :) Took him to MOST for his first time, played like a couple of kids, had lunch at Johnny Rockets and then did some shopping. He bought me a beautiful geode from MOST, it's my shade of pink. I didn't realize that he bought it and some time later in the afternoon he surprised me with it, too cool. Showed him where I grew up and in between destinations we took the long way and just enjoyed time together, it was really nice. It's nice to have a man that's independent and takes the time to notice little things about me enough to get me something as simple as a pink geode, it's nice to have someone want to take care of me. I like this :)\

Becky

So this is what happy feels like

It's been so long since I've been this completely happy. It really is true what they say, sometimes when you stop looking you find exactly what you were looking for in the least expected place. Yesterday started out as any other day. Had a job interview and Maverick was kind enough to take me. We got so caught up in the beautiful day that we went to the park, we explored the lake, we drove around aimlessly just talking. We had a great night, beers and laughs with our friends, a truly horrible game of darts lol! We laid in bed and talked all night until he had to leave for New Jersey. Tonight I'm going to dinner with Mel and Dave. A really cool Mexican restaurant that has amazing margarita's and then to my favorite little local pub. Tomorrow I get my Maverick back and we've already made some killer plans to have serious amounts of fun this week. I'm easy breezy and truly happy.

Becky

Beautiful dayz

It's been so nice outside! Yesterday I went on a three hour walk to nowhere in particular, just exploring the area where I live. It was pretty awesome. Today I have a job interview with a company that seems like a really good fit for me and I'm jazzed about it :) And to put the cherry on top of that sundae, Beautiful Bill is taking me to the interview and then we are hanging out after. The boy is going to grandma's for the weekend, so that free's me up to do whatever I wish for the next 3 days! Life is feeling pretty good today!

Becky

aaahhh, it worked!

I hate having my world invaded by morons. Especially when these morons Know me in reality and are such a waste of oxygen that they have been removed from my world. It's bad enough that this idiot wouldn't leave me alone in the real world but then the mouth breather had to start stalking my blog! Exactly what was the King of Douch Bagastaan trying to find???

Anyway's, that is in the past :) Thankfully the revelation that the traffic URL for his phone shows up in my stats bar has deterred him from further stalking! This makes me joyously happy, HOORAY!!!

The freedom of that is awesome, I feel like I can breathe again. A huge weight has been lifted and the sky's have cleared! What a great feeling!!

Goodbye mistakes in judgement, hello bright shiny future :)

Bex

It's so quiet...

So, my roommate started his job and the boy went back to school. I had forgotten how quiet the house is when everyone is gone for an extended period of time! It's kind of disconcerting. I'm going to have to do allot of writing to keep me busy but I'll finally have the "Me" time that I've been needing :)

Now I'm kinda jazzed about this!!

Bex

You should probably know....

......that the Traffic URL from your cell phone shows up on my stats page with your phone number and zip code. AT&T is awesome like that. Just ask Brian, he's seen it ya fucking moron. And that last blog has absolutely nothing to do with you, you crazy fuck! You are the one mistake in my life that I truly fucking regret. I should have seen through your lying and seen you for what you really are, a pathetic, psychotic, bi-polar, lying, twisted, dishonorable, disloyal, mentally and emotionally unhinged human being. And if there was a God that existed he would have made damn sure you ceased breathing and were never allowed to breed to cease the vicious cycle of  Serial-Stupidity that you seem to think is normal human behavior. So go crawl back to Douche Bagastaan where you are King Douche Bag, there is nothing on either of these blogs that require your steadfast attention, Jackass W. Fucknuts. You need not keep pursuing my world, I revoked your invitation!

Sincerely, with all of my heart, in hopes that you grow some balls and fall off that cliff,

Rebecca D. Van Marter-Ragsdale (BEX)

Stuck in my head

Your stuck in my head like a song and I can't seem to get you out. I want to call you and tell you to come home to me, I want to see you walking down my side walk, I want to see your smile. I need you to know that I never stopped loving you, That everything that's missing in my life is held in the piece of my heart that you took with you, That the key does me no good because you took the heart that it belongs too, that the vibrant colors of my world have been shades and shadows since you've been gone. I don't care about the past and I don't care what's happened since, I just know that I need to tell you to come home. Nothing and no one has taken your place, it will always be your place at my side.

:) 13

It's Friday the 13th! 13 is my lucky number! I have a good feeling about today, hopeful and happy despite a massive lack of actual sleep. Yeah, today is gonna be a good day. Watched the sunrise and experienced  the peace that it always instills in me deep inside. "Goddamn Right It's A Beautiful Day!"

Happy 13 to you all :)

Becky

A little faith

So been feeling a little down because everything has been a little chaotic in the past few months. Having caught a cold on my Birthday has forced me to be still for 3 days and do allot of thinking. Here's what I think; My life, for whatever reason, has always been and always will be complicated. I'm strangely okay with it because so far this rule in my Universe has weeded out the crazy, bipolar, unfaithful, disloyal, dishonorable assholes that I manage to cross paths with! So there is a huge plus side to my unconventional life! Everything eventually works out in my world, it just always takes the random round-about way to get to the working out part. It's an adventure and you can't take just the good parts of the adventure and leave the bad, you have to accept the whole adventure.

Yeah, I'm good with me, my unconventional life.

Becky

I've never felt so sad in all of my life.

Lying

It's no secret, I hate liars. I cannot abide a lie. I can understand a little white lie that saves someone's feelings from being hurt such as: "No honey, you do not look fat in that dress!" even though personally I'd rather know that I look fat in that dress. No we aren't talking about those little lies we tell to protect someone else. We are talking about lies that are told because there is a need for attention or for acceptance. You want everyone's focus to be on you constantly and when it's not on you, a great big huge lie is told to make it all about you again. 3 big fat, not even close to the truth, humongous lies all to gather sympathy for yourself. I am disgusted, literally sick to my stomach ill at the one bold face lie because it involved a service member. A buddy forwarded it to me asking about the details. Made me so sick that someone would lie about such a thing after having personally lost friends in the Military, I forwarded it to a couple friends in the box and they confirmed the bullshit of it that I already knew. Needless to say, they are as unhappy as I am at this very untrue boast of loss. Then my same friend sent me 2 more asking me about the validity of a story and where I really just want to be left out of all this I have to admit that certain conflicting details piqued my curiosity so I pulled a Scooby. Nope, once again almost 98% of the story is false.

Again, I do not want to be involved AT ALL in this world where lies, deceit, drugs, alcohol, violence, delusion, and psychological imbalance are all the prevalent qualities. I have since expressed to my friend to stop reporting things to me and pretend that I never knew this person and that none of it existed, please and thank you!

In general it just makes me sick that some people are so rampantly insecure with who they really are that they have to create a personality based on lies to get the attention that they crave because they're were ignored as children and abused. It's no excuse in my mind. Your childhood sucked, get over it. You want people to like and accept you? Try being your real self and be an honorable, loyal, truthful person. When you choose to be a liar, people don't love you for who you are, they love you for what you can give them and when you run out of things to give them they turn they're backs on you because they were never true friends to begin with. There will always be people in the world that either like you or don't like you and I have always lived by "I'd rather you hate me for telling you the truth than disrespect you with a lie" Once you tell a lie, there's no going back. You have to tell another to support the first lie than another and another until your whole life is just a big spiral of lying. I will never understand the mind of a pathological liar. I will never understand how one person can completely destroy their own soul so devastatingly instead of fixing their problems and moving on in a peaceful healthy manner. I just don't get it and I hope I never do.

I'd rather just be me and have people like me or hate me based on me not based on a fairytale that I made up. Hate me or love me but I will always be 100% honest, I will never cheat, steal or lie, I will never be unfaithful or disloyal and I will never break my word. Hate me for that, hate me because you just generally don't like my personality, appearance, taste in music, etc. But you'll never be able to hate me for being a fake or a liar and I'm fine with that.

Becky

Changes commenced

Ok so the new and improved Bex has arrived! New hair, nails done, face polished and pretty, new friends to get to know, new pendant to replace the one lost, new outlook, new attitude! Here I am World, if you want to step up and take me on, I won't be the one backing down because I'm Bex and I'm here to stay! I haven't broken and even when I've stumbled I haven't fallen. No one and no thing on this planet is going to change me, conform me, bend me, break me or destroy me. You may hurt me but I will heal, you may look upon me with disdain and contempt but guess what? Your looks mean nothing in my world because obviously I'm NOT looking at you!! Time for change has come and now it's time to move forward.

BEX <3

Conflicted

Haven't felt good in a few days so it has given me time to think allot. The most recent event has and had nothing to do with me personally. Dude's family and friends have all said that this type of behavior is nothing new and has happened in the past. I just happened to be the one it occurred to this time. It makes me sad that he's felt the need to attack me and it makes me sadder that he wasn't the man I fell in love with, that he kept secrets and blatantly lied to me. He could have told me the truth about his pregnant girlfriend, he could have told me the truth about everything and anything but he disrespected me by lying. That hurts my heart. It hurt my heart because even as his Mother and the other woman were both telling me the truth he was on the other line, lying to me. It hurts because he lied but for some reason feels the need to attempt to find some dirt on me using people that got kicked out of my house for drug use, using common knowledge that he already knew and that everyone knows. Yes my mom was on crack, yes that's why mom and her boyfriend Dave got kicked out of my home also. My mom dumped Dave and has been clean for 17 months. So what??? Everyone knows this, I told him this but he can't even get his story straight because he thought it was my buddy Dave that the addict was telling him about not my stepdad. Why send me threatening text messages, why try to attack me at all?? He did things that he knew would end us, he knew how I felt about lying and cheating. So to me, he did it knowingly. Why not just leave me alone? Why keep texting at 2 am? You made your choice, live with it. There's no going back no matter how much it hurts my heart it is over and it's in the past.

Unfortunately I was mad when he popped into my life, I acted on very skewed emotions and because I acted out on those feelings, I hurt Matt. I did it and I have to live with that. Thankfully, Matt is a good enough person to have given me the chance to apologize and still be my friend. Losing a friend of many years would have hurt more than anything else because I never say goodbye to people, they just become a different aspect in my life. I still regret letting him come between Matt and I but again, I have to live with that and get over it.

I've decided that all of this is a lesson to be learned. Changes have to be made in my life to get it back on track. It sounds selfish but I have to get back to living my life for me and not for the people around me. I can't look back on the past, I have to look towards the future because I'm moving forward. There's allot of hurt feelings in the past but allot of happiness awaiting me in the future! Cheers to the future!!!

Bex <3  

..........The End

My heart hurts for the choices that you made that will forever keep you from being the person that you could be, the person that I saw. It hurts for the lies that you've told and by doing so, destroying the honor that you could have held inside yourself. I feel sorry for you that you felt the need to get so drunk that you don't even remember verbally attacking me, my sons', my mother and my best friends. Why would I forgive you for that? You thought you were so slick talking to Kayla but here's the funny part, you don't remember that I told you and your mother about my family's past with drug addiction but that I also told you that my Mom has been clean for 17 months. And anyone that's known me for 5 minutes can tell you that I have never touched the stuff and they'll straight up laugh in your face for calling Dave a crackhead. You found out old news from a drug addict that hasn't spoken to me in 3 years and has continually proven a coward by running away from me, congratulations for finding a mouth breather as low as yourself. My heart hurts that you felt the need to lower yourself to such subterranean levels, to act so viciously towards me and my people when we did NOTHING to you but offer you our friendship, love and a home.

What really hurts me though, truly breaks my heart, I let myself believe in you and I hurt an unbelievably good person because of you. I acted against my own values and I hurt someone innocent that did not deserve the way I treated him. I almost lost a faithful friend. Almost.

It always bothered you that I do not say goodbye to people. And that is a part of me that I would  not and will never change. Until now. Because for every rule there is an exception. I will not forgive and I will not forget, not in this lifetime, not in the next. Your hateful, malicious behavior, your obscene continuous  pathological lying, all of this and so much more that you have done and said combined together ensures that my forgiveness will not exist where you are concerned. Hell, your own people will not stand behind your behavior and lies, what does that say about the person you are deep down inside when your own family and friends do not and will not back you but instead they tolerate you at best.

Because of your actions I went against my peoples' advice and my own instinct, I contacted 2 law enforcement agencies and made them aware of the situation. The next step is to file the report, submit all of my evidence against you and your insignificant other and, well....you know what comes next. Do not push me, it will not be advantageous to you in any way. You've seen me slightly aggravated, you do not want to see me pissed off.

You make my heart hurt not because I have feelings for you, my heart hurts to see a blatant waste of what could have been a decent human being and instead became everything black and evil a human could become until there is no humanity left in them anymore.

For your own best interest, forget that I exist. The consequences of continuing to stalk me will not be pleasant.

Know this for a most certain fact: You no longer exist in my Universe, no one that is within your life exists in my Universe. You have destroyed the rights that you had to share my world and all within it and all that encompasses it. You do not exist.

Sincerely,
Rebecca Dawn Van Marter-Ragsdale (BEX)

Trying to make sense out of crazy

Trying to make sense out of crazy is much like getting reading lessons from Helen Keller, eventually you may get it but there's an eternity of frustration in between getting it and not getting it. I don't understand what the hell happened anymore than any of you. I was happy and he was wonderful, couple of hours later I was stunned and was riding the bipolarcoaster. Since Monday it's been a bombardment of angry/threatening/loving/suicidal text messages to which I have not replied. I have been subjected to his ex (who evidently is in the next car back on the bipolarcoaster) calling me and texting me to which I have replied with "What the hell do you want from me, take the damn crazy and forget that I exist!"

Tried for a few days to make sense of it all but there is no sense to be found in it so instead of driving myself crazy, I am content with the knowledge that yep, I want nor need crazy.

Becky

I'll get over it

This too shall pass, I'll get past it. I'm stronger than all this and this is nothing more than a raindrop in an ocean. I will not sit here and feel sorry for myself, I will not dwell on woulda, coulda, shoulda. Yes I will be sad because I've had too much loss in the past 5 days to not grieve but it will not consume me or define me. Although I will walk out of this, I will not walk out of it unscathed. I've broken my own rules for a year and pursued a relationship and each time it has blown up in my face magnificently. I've wasted a year of my life searching for something that does not exist. Before a year ago, I didn't date, no one was allowed in my world and there were never emotions involved. I was financially stable, emotionally stable and content within my world. I miss that sense of peace and tranquility. My new goal is to get this all back. It's time to focus on rebuilding my little empire.  

Painful but necessary

Life waits for no one and no one gets out alive. I spent 7 months in a relationship that didn't make particularly happy last year. I figured that if I held out maybe something would change and it would become what I wanted. Of course that is a very naive approach, it never changed and I woke up realizing that I had wasted 7 months of my life for nothing. I do not want to do that again.

I can't sit around waiting to live a life with Matt when the time is right. I can't have an existence and put my life on hold, I can't wake up months from now realizing that time has slipped by with me being unhappy.

I've found myself in many ways right back where I was a year ago only this time it's clear to me that I need to make changes instead of just letting life happen around me. This time I need to make the necessary changes to a relationship in order to be happy instead of waiting for it to change. If it's goodbye then it's goodbye. It will hurt but it'll hurt less to walk away now then 7 months from now. I'll shed my tears but continue on my journey forever learning about life. 

Life at a stand still but with pretty scenery

Of course as per usual my life is at a stand still. I'm waiting and waiting, stuck at an impasse until the Universe sees fit to let me in on the scheme of things. I actually believe that this time maybe it's for a positive turn this time. Only because I am exactly back where I was last year, right back at square one. Last year was a hurricane of negativity, every time I got myself up and out of it some new swell would bring me under and drown me. I lost allot of myself but consequently learned allot about myself and fixed allot of personal issues. It wasn't all positive though, as expected there was a certain amount of negative impact as well. I'm not as trusting or as willing to help as I use to be. And I tend to be much more suspicious than I ever was before.

Despite all of that and all of the things that I am getting hit with currently, there is beauty in my life, my Universe. True and heartfelt beauty that blinds me every time that I look at it, takes my breath away every single time. I am grateful every moment for this respite from the black clouds. Without the dark, how would we truly appreciate the Sun? A once in a lifetime God given miracle handed me my very own personal Sun :) It's nice to feel it's warmth after being submerged in the cold for so long.

Becky

Take a walk through the past but looking forward to the future

As much as I tell others to not accept blame or responsibility for other peoples actions, I sometimes find it hard not to do this to myself. I look back at the past year and I have to wonder if it really isn't just simply that I can not have a relationship. Maybe it was my fault and maybe I am truly a broken girl. There will always be that small insecurity hiding in the back of my mind even though I truly do understand that no matter what the conditions, neither of those relationships were meant to be a permanent thing. One had to straighten out his life and learn to love himself and the other, well....I honestly don't believe that our worlds would have worked together. His path lay in another direction then mine does. Really wish he'd stop being a douche and accept the olive branch of friendship that I've put forth. Seems a waste to end such a good friendship. But hey, I made the effort.

I found someone as broken as I am. I'm being smart and taking it ultra slow, thinking with my head instead of just blindly following my emotions. It's proving a bit more difficult than I'd expected. See, I usually have this nasty habit of taking the things that I have in common with someone and pushing that to the forefront while taking the things that don't connect and dismissing them. That way everyone is comfortable and happy.

With him I find that I don't have to do that. The ways that we differ compliment each other, our differences actually make our connections better. It's easy to be with him. Easy to talk to him, easy to be quiet, easy to be passionate, easy to be funny. It's as easy as breathing and that's all I ever wanted. Now I have it and it's terrifying me. Instead of feeling like I'm losing myself in him, I feel as if I found a part of myself instead.

My key will stay safely around my neck. But I think he crushed the lock.

Becky

Fire trucks, syringes, Steve Jobs and who let Sarah Palin out of her box?

http://bexchaosandcandy.blogspot.com/2012/01/fire-trucks-syringes-steve-jobs-and-who.html

2012, changing the aspect of my views. Not a resolution!

Most people begin the New year with a resolution and usually, statistically by February have failed their own damn resolution. I, personally, have never made a resolution nor will I. In fact, I generally do not celebrate New Year's at all. This year I painted my nails, watched some decent movies, kissed my best friend and promptly went to bed. It's a new year and like the other 36 that I have lived through, this one will have it's ups and downs like all others. I am hoping that it does less damage to me than last year but hey even that was worth all of the lessons that I learned in those 365 days. Good or bad it will be an experience. 

I am however going to change the aspect of my views and general reactions to certain things. This change in thought happened a few days ago when I sat down and thought about all that has transpired in the past 3 weeks, it brought about a personal epiphany of sorts. 

Twice in less than a week I let two people attack me verbally and I kept my mouth shut, listened to every word and stored it away for future thought. And I did think on it quite a bit. Generally I could give a rat's ass what other people think especially when they aren't a major player in the game of my life but, someone close to me did the same thing a week later. This made me stop and think it all through. 

Here's the conclusion that I came to. The person close to me has a bad history of playing upon my emotions, attacking my insecurities(don't die of shock, even I have insecurities), and sabotaging my personal relationships. I discussed this whole situation with an outside party and decided it's time to put some distance there for my own good. I can't keep letting this happen and enabling someone to hurt me on purpose. 

As far as the other person goes, well as self serving as this sounds, she acted out of jealousy and fear derived of her own insecurities which she then projected on me. Not going to happen again. Twice she's been a pretentious, know it all, rude, uncouth person in MY home. Next time she wants to watch her mouth. 

I've been through allot this past year and allot of it I believe was self induced because I wasn't true to myself. Dave would have you believe that I conformed for the 2 guys I was with but that is wildly untrue. I was probably more myself around them then at any other time through the year. I acted and reacted the way the people around me expected me to and that's not me. I am a big advocate for taking responsibility for your actions and I failed myself with that this year. 

No more letting others dictate my emotions, actions, life. I have a comfortable existence, financially, emotionally, physically. And I will no longer feel bad because others are jealous of this. And I will no longer let others twist my perception and dictate who I am friends with and who I speak to. The past is exactly that, past me. 

My policy has always been an open door policy, doors open come on in. I still have an open door policy but now you must leave your baggage some where else because it's not my job to deal with it. 

I can't fix you, hell I can't fix me. I'm just looking for someone as broken as I am now, lol. 

Hope you all have a Happy New Year and remember it is a new year, time to let the past be just that, the past. Try living for the moment Faithful Readers.