Ghosts and Goodbyes

I can’t look anywhere in this, my small piece of the World, without having the memories bombard me. Lying next to you in bed, talking until the Dawn’s first light, Making love uninhibited, you and I walking  hand in hand across the lot to begin an adventure, Snuggled on the couch watching television on a rainy day, Seeing you walking up my walk and anticipating you walking through my door, The first glimpse of you when I wake. There is no respite here from the cascade of memories. I can’t seem to escape the ghost of “Us”.

I wish that it were just in this confined space that I encounter these ghosts but everywhere I go there you are, invading my present with our past. Time is supposed to heal all wounds but these wounds have grown worse with every moment passed. I have not recovered, I have covered up and hidden the true damage done to the very core of my being. I have painted on smiles with every stroke of lipstick, hidden the pain reflected in my eyes with the darkest of eyeliners and distracted prying eyes with the most revealing of clothing. How very ironic, isn’t it?

Under the guise of friendship I have kept you in my world because sometimes, something is better than nothing. In the end it has just made it more difficult to repair myself. I should have just walked away completely, but I was not that strong. I couldn’t stand to say goodbye, couldn’t bear the thought of losing you so completely. I wanted to hold on to any little piece of you that I could so that my heart would not shatter into so many sharp, tiny, fragile shards. In the end it was you that shut and locked the door on us so thoroughly. Oh, how easy you made that seem, to just walk out of my life without a backwards glance, to begin your life fresh, easy breezy. Goodbye is such an easy word to say but so hard an action to accomplish when love alters ones inner self completely as it does me.

It’s time for me to leave all of this behind me. I have to let go of the memories, the ghosts that haunt me every moment of every single day. I have to say goodbye to this place and its torment. It’s time to pack my bags and begin a new life somewhere with no past just a future to look forward to. I have to do this to save myself from getting lost in this depressing abyss. I say goodbye to you in order to say hello to a new beginning. It is time to think about what is good for me.

In the deepest recess of my heart I wish that you would come to me wanting to leave together or ask me to stay for you but if I have learned one thing from you it is that fairy tales don’t exist and happily ever after is just the last sentence in a pretty story.  

Becky