Melancholy

There are still good days and bad days. The other day I was on my balcony and spotted the little brown mouse that lives under the opposite buildings porch, I haven't seen him in months and had given up hope that he was still alive. My first instinct was to tell Tony to come see Mickey. I pulled up short and the reality hit me like a ton of bricks and the sadness hit me like a wave crashing down on me. But then after seeing him last saturday and the shit he pulled after I saw him, I realized that it is over and no matter how hard or much I wish things had gone differently, things are the way they are. There will always be reminders and there will always be things that make me sad but there is also allot of good in my life. I've cocooned myself in my little world for 5 weeks and will continue to do so until I feel ready to do otherwise. I'm healing. Little by little I am healing. And on those days that I'm not okay, my guys are there to pick me up and love me till I forget the hurt that feels like a hole in my chest. They hold me when I can't stop crying, they dry my tears and then remind me that I am loved unconditionally. We go out and about as a pack so that they can insure that I'm safe, we BBQ every weekend as a family. Right now this is what I need to continue healing. Slowly I'm getting there. My hair is pink again, which if you know me signals that the darkest days are past and we are moving back into the light once again. I will, someday be okay again. I will be whole again. Right now I want to concentrate on my friends and my little Universe where I am safe and happy.

Bex