Confusing and irritating

I don't understand half of what's going on in my life currently. And I have to say it has made me laugh because as much as I can't communicate to my bf, I can dump it all out to Dave. I think because with Dave there isn't an immediate hit on my defenses. Like I said on my other blog, I have an issue with having to know all the boundaries in my life and I have to be in control of all aspects of my life. But trying to keep my iron grip is like gripping sand recently.

I know what I want out of this. I want a partner, a mate to run through life's little adventures with me. I want to share my life with him. He makes me happy. I like our conversations, our laughs, watching cartoons and listening to Savage with him. What I don't like is that he holds all the control. This will end on his terms, when he chooses. I don't know which makes me sadder, that he will be able to just walk away while I will be destroyed by this or that he knows this and is counting on it.

I told him that I needed him to leave the other day because it hurts too much to be in love someone that won't love you and be faced with that 24/7. But being the coward that I am, I took it back. I don't know why.

It's all so confusing. To be this in love with someone, this happy and comfortable but also feel so utterly miserable because the feelings aren't reciprocated in a way that makes me happy. Dave say's that I have to decide wether to just accept this situation as it is, unquestioningly accept tony as is ands just be happy or decide to end it now on my terms. Either way it hurts regardless. It's not in my nature to just blindly accept something. I analyze, it's what I do to just accept a situation with no idea of where it's going, what it is or will be, how it will play out, I don't know that I'm capable of doing that. As it is, almost everything is already in his control. Showing affection, physicality, all when he chooses it. If it were up to me, I'd be curled in his lap all day, I'd spend all day in bed with him. I have no outlet for emotions with him. He's pushed me away so many times now that I'm terrified to make a move because I hate the rejection. It makes me want to scream sometimes that I can name 10 people right off the top of my head that would kill to share my life, my bed, my love and if I'm so unattractive to you why are you here at all??? Is it that your so comfortable that you could care less how all this makes me feel, is it that shallow of an explanation? I just wish I understood, if it's me say it's me and I'll get past it and be cool till he can find a place. If it's not me then for god's sake grab me, hold me, love me until I believe that it truly isn't me. Throw me a bone damn it, give me at least part of an explanation as to wtf this is! He is broken, jaded, defensive and insecure as am I but I would never have control over his heart break and just sit back and watch it happen. Honestly I probably could accept this situation blindly as long as I felt I could love him with out the fear of being pushed away and told no. If I felt that I could be affectionate to him on my terms, this would be a happy unknown that I walk into but as it is right now it's just stressful and uncertain.

And to just compound all of this, it's immpossible for me to communicate any of this. In a perfect Bex World, he would read this understand it and make an honest effort to let my affection run free. This will not happen, there is no happy ending in this, no compromise will occur, I will continue to try to grip sand and he will continue to be oblivious to all needs except his. Why did I have to fall in love? Why did he stay and make me love him?