New beginnings and leaving the past behind

In the past month I've been arrested for the second time in 5 months, had 2 family members die, attempted to help someone and had it blow up in my face, ended 2 friendships that I thought were up to my standards of loyalty and honor, had to change my phone number and move to get away from bad people and situations, struggled to find the finances to do so, missed my best friends wedding due to all of this and been to court twice. That's just the bare jist of what's happened in the past 30 days. Needless to say my stress levels have been through the atmosphere. But I've gotten through it, I've pulled up my boot straps, sucked it up and survived it all. Not without my share of battle scars but hey who doesn't dig scars, right? The hardest is yet to come though. My rock through all of this has been Cameron. Cam has been my friend, my stability, my voice of reason and so much more that I can't even find the words. However his path leads him elsewhere and he will be leaving this week to return home to Michigan. Yes it's selfish but the idea of him leaving crushes me and I wish there were a way that he would stay. After so much loss in the past month I just don't want another to be gone from my life. As with so many others, there will be phone calls and emails and text messages but it isn't the same as having him here. There are already too many in my life seperated by distance. I feel so much more complete with him here that to have that taken away saddens me to the very core of my being. He say's that I'm strong enough to get through it but I have my doubts. And to be honest, all the changes that have taken place, I've had to accomplish on my own because Dave stayed drunk for 3 weeks and didn't do shit to help except to come up with half the Verizon deposit money. I did everything on my own and he said the same damn thing "Your strong enough to handle it" Well check it out people, I'M FUCKING TIRED OF BEING THE "STRONG ONE". I'm always the one to handle whatever pops up, always the one to help out as much as I can. Again as selfish as this sounds, I don't want to be the strong one anymore. I want to curl up in your lap and know that there is a life partner that will share the burdens, the happy moments, everything with me. I don't want to keep carrying all of it on my shoulders anymore.

This move has given me the opportunity to start fresh and put things and my life back into perspective and I fully intend to take advantage of that, just wish i didn't have to do it alone.

Don't get me wrong I am happy that all the bullshit has happened to me and opened my eye's to what needs to happen but it has also created a very lonely new beginning. And after all that's happened I'm uncertain as to who my real friends are anymore. So that leaves no one to lean on when times get tough.

New beginnings and leaving the past behind, forward movement and no looking back. Sounds easy, doesn't it?
Becky