I can't help but wonder where everything went so very wrong this year. In January I told Dave "This is going to be our year, I've got a good feeling about this year!". Did I ever see that all wrong. This year has been one challenge and one crisis after another. I started seeing Tony the first week in January and despite my own emotional outbursts, it was a pretty happy life. But dave kept trying to sabotage it because he couldn't accept that I was very happy. Even after he found Mel, he still continued to push and push till I really didn't want to be around him anymore. Finally Tony got out of his legal issues and proceeded to spiral out of control and destroyed what we had together. In the middle of all that chaos I got hit with charges for leaving my 12 yr old alone for 2 hours while I was DD a whopping 6 blocks from home because my crazy ass neighbors called the cops and Ian said he was only afraid of ghosts when asked if he was afraid to be alone. I managed to pull myself through a month of depression by hanging with my buddies, going to concerts and shows and the beach. I started to see Cameron in a different light and pursued that not expecting too much from it. And I didn't get much from it, which is why when Tony came back I really didn't feel bad about it. But the two weeks that Tony was back showed me that Tony didn't belong in my world and I had vastly underestimated Cameron. I knew that Tony would do exactly what he did, I sat back, watched and waited. I wasn't terribly upset by it because I knew what to look for. When all was said and done I apologized to Cam because even though I did what I did for honorable reasons it was still a shitty way to do it. I was wrong. I had to walk away from 2 of my closest friends for betraying me during the breakup with Tony and that hurt. 2 of my men, my guys chose Tony's side and for that they are eternally banished from my life. I trusted them, loved them and took care of them and that was how they repaid me. In the midst of all that my power was shut off for 2 weeks and because of all the stupidity happening in our circle I had to find a new apartment. And then I stopped 2 bullies from beating up on Ian and got slapped with 2 more charges brought against me and one of my former friends "helped" me with the cops. Further proving how much better off I am without that particular group of friends. But Cameron was by my side through all of it, holding my hand and helping me through it. I fell in love with him. He was planning on leaving for Michigan but I was in love anyway. And he said he was in love too. We loved each other and together walked through the crisis and came out the other side. We had moved to our new place together and he said he was going to stay. Every day was good. We had fun, we laughed, we loved. And then a week ago he said that he didn't see us having a future together and he was leaving for Michigan. Within the hour he was gone. I can't make sense of it. But then again I can't make sense of anything that happened so far this year. 11 months and I haven't caught a break yet.
"What have you learned, Dorothy?"
I've learned that even my best friend will betray me. I've learned that making new friends is worthless and that they will turn on me as soon as drugs or alcohol become involved. I've learned that loving someone will destroy you and that sharing your life with someone will just destroy your life. I've learned that I want no one in my life that is real. My friends online are all I want because I can always shut off the computer and it doesn't affect me because it isn't real. I can dismiss anyone with a swipe of my mouse. And they can't hurt me. I'm alone now, I stay in my apartment, I talk to no one and I hide behind my laptop. I'm broken and I accept that. I tried to believe that you broke my heart. But the truth is that I broke me. I broke me by loving you, I broke my life by making it our life, I broke me by believing your words, I broke me. The fault is mine and mine alone, I did this to myself. I believed in allot of people this year and my lesson has been to believe in no one anymore.
This year needs to end because I honestly do not know how much more I can take.
"What have you learned, Dorothy?"
I've learned that even my best friend will betray me. I've learned that making new friends is worthless and that they will turn on me as soon as drugs or alcohol become involved. I've learned that loving someone will destroy you and that sharing your life with someone will just destroy your life. I've learned that I want no one in my life that is real. My friends online are all I want because I can always shut off the computer and it doesn't affect me because it isn't real. I can dismiss anyone with a swipe of my mouse. And they can't hurt me. I'm alone now, I stay in my apartment, I talk to no one and I hide behind my laptop. I'm broken and I accept that. I tried to believe that you broke my heart. But the truth is that I broke me. I broke me by loving you, I broke my life by making it our life, I broke me by believing your words, I broke me. The fault is mine and mine alone, I did this to myself. I believed in allot of people this year and my lesson has been to believe in no one anymore.
This year needs to end because I honestly do not know how much more I can take.
