Waves

It hits me in waves. Waves of sadness that over take me and threaten to pull me under. Suddenly my chest stops working, my throat closes and I can't breathe as the pain washes over me, drops me to the floor, wish I could catch my breath and sob it out but it's trapped in the chasm that once was my heart.

Trying so hard to fill the void, distract myself with shiny. Doesn't work, makes the emptiness that much more vivid. Keep wishing that you would just come home, realize that this is your home, we are your family, we love you, I love you. It was never about control, you try to believe that lie that you tell yourself but you know that it isn't true. I never wanted you to be anything but yourself, to let go of the facade and just be you for one time in your life. I asked you to leave because you finally got free of your restrictions and did exactly what I feared the most. You didn't come home, didn't care enough about us to see how our court date went, all you cared about was going out and getting wasted with Bridgette. Say what you want about me but I always put you and the boys first without batting an eye. That's what unconditional love is, caring more about someone else than yourself, putting their love above all else. It was going to be so perfect once you were free, instead it's become a nightmare that I can't wake from.

I wish this would end, this feeling. One way or another. I love you, so much. I hope you find what your looking for and I hope that I'm wrong about you spinning out of control. I wish nothing but the best for you and hold nothing for myself.

Love you always and forever.