Thanks to Maverick filing a civil suit against me for something so petty that my lawyer took the case free of charge for the fun of it and my streak of truly not giving a fuck, I feel free of the heartbreak that has plagued my very soul for months. I still get annoyed and aggravated when he's dumb enough to show up around here but it's a fleeting feeling that doesn't stick.
Have been feeling more ME, lately. More together, capable, strong. It no longer feels like a constant battle to hold myself together for fear of shattering into a million pieces.
This renewed strength has brought with it both good and bad results. I've never looked or felt better, I feel no need to submerse myself into another relationship. I'm happier spending time with my friends. I just want to have fun, go see bands, hike, BBQ. I've found that I enjoy reading like I use to do every day, researching history that interests me, watching movies, all of the things that use to bring me joy in every day life has once again become central to my happiness.
I'm drinking more though. Allot more. There's something underlying in my subconscious that is creating enough turmoil that I'm drinking to the point that I blacked out last week. I haven't done that in over 2 years. It's worrying me enough that I've set the date to quit drinking again, it's time to take a break until I can get control of every aspect of myself. I've never been comfortable losing even the tiniest bit of control of myself, even for a minute of time.
It won't take me long to get it together completely and return to my self once again however I won't lie, it would be nicer to be able to do this with someone by my side. I feel, truly in my heart, that this is something that I have to do on my own though. Relying on someone for my happiness, inner peace and emotional stability is what got me into this mess to begin with.
I know that I can handle whatever comes my way, this is just a drop in the ocean compared to a month ago.
Have been feeling more ME, lately. More together, capable, strong. It no longer feels like a constant battle to hold myself together for fear of shattering into a million pieces.
This renewed strength has brought with it both good and bad results. I've never looked or felt better, I feel no need to submerse myself into another relationship. I'm happier spending time with my friends. I just want to have fun, go see bands, hike, BBQ. I've found that I enjoy reading like I use to do every day, researching history that interests me, watching movies, all of the things that use to bring me joy in every day life has once again become central to my happiness.
I'm drinking more though. Allot more. There's something underlying in my subconscious that is creating enough turmoil that I'm drinking to the point that I blacked out last week. I haven't done that in over 2 years. It's worrying me enough that I've set the date to quit drinking again, it's time to take a break until I can get control of every aspect of myself. I've never been comfortable losing even the tiniest bit of control of myself, even for a minute of time.
It won't take me long to get it together completely and return to my self once again however I won't lie, it would be nicer to be able to do this with someone by my side. I feel, truly in my heart, that this is something that I have to do on my own though. Relying on someone for my happiness, inner peace and emotional stability is what got me into this mess to begin with.
I know that I can handle whatever comes my way, this is just a drop in the ocean compared to a month ago.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.