A little faith

So been feeling a little down because everything has been a little chaotic in the past few months. Having caught a cold on my Birthday has forced me to be still for 3 days and do allot of thinking. Here's what I think; My life, for whatever reason, has always been and always will be complicated. I'm strangely okay with it because so far this rule in my Universe has weeded out the crazy, bipolar, unfaithful, disloyal, dishonorable assholes that I manage to cross paths with! So there is a huge plus side to my unconventional life! Everything eventually works out in my world, it just always takes the random round-about way to get to the working out part. It's an adventure and you can't take just the good parts of the adventure and leave the bad, you have to accept the whole adventure.

Yeah, I'm good with me, my unconventional life.

Becky

I've never felt so sad in all of my life.

Lying

It's no secret, I hate liars. I cannot abide a lie. I can understand a little white lie that saves someone's feelings from being hurt such as: "No honey, you do not look fat in that dress!" even though personally I'd rather know that I look fat in that dress. No we aren't talking about those little lies we tell to protect someone else. We are talking about lies that are told because there is a need for attention or for acceptance. You want everyone's focus to be on you constantly and when it's not on you, a great big huge lie is told to make it all about you again. 3 big fat, not even close to the truth, humongous lies all to gather sympathy for yourself. I am disgusted, literally sick to my stomach ill at the one bold face lie because it involved a service member. A buddy forwarded it to me asking about the details. Made me so sick that someone would lie about such a thing after having personally lost friends in the Military, I forwarded it to a couple friends in the box and they confirmed the bullshit of it that I already knew. Needless to say, they are as unhappy as I am at this very untrue boast of loss. Then my same friend sent me 2 more asking me about the validity of a story and where I really just want to be left out of all this I have to admit that certain conflicting details piqued my curiosity so I pulled a Scooby. Nope, once again almost 98% of the story is false.

Again, I do not want to be involved AT ALL in this world where lies, deceit, drugs, alcohol, violence, delusion, and psychological imbalance are all the prevalent qualities. I have since expressed to my friend to stop reporting things to me and pretend that I never knew this person and that none of it existed, please and thank you!

In general it just makes me sick that some people are so rampantly insecure with who they really are that they have to create a personality based on lies to get the attention that they crave because they're were ignored as children and abused. It's no excuse in my mind. Your childhood sucked, get over it. You want people to like and accept you? Try being your real self and be an honorable, loyal, truthful person. When you choose to be a liar, people don't love you for who you are, they love you for what you can give them and when you run out of things to give them they turn they're backs on you because they were never true friends to begin with. There will always be people in the world that either like you or don't like you and I have always lived by "I'd rather you hate me for telling you the truth than disrespect you with a lie" Once you tell a lie, there's no going back. You have to tell another to support the first lie than another and another until your whole life is just a big spiral of lying. I will never understand the mind of a pathological liar. I will never understand how one person can completely destroy their own soul so devastatingly instead of fixing their problems and moving on in a peaceful healthy manner. I just don't get it and I hope I never do.

I'd rather just be me and have people like me or hate me based on me not based on a fairytale that I made up. Hate me or love me but I will always be 100% honest, I will never cheat, steal or lie, I will never be unfaithful or disloyal and I will never break my word. Hate me for that, hate me because you just generally don't like my personality, appearance, taste in music, etc. But you'll never be able to hate me for being a fake or a liar and I'm fine with that.

Becky

Changes commenced

Ok so the new and improved Bex has arrived! New hair, nails done, face polished and pretty, new friends to get to know, new pendant to replace the one lost, new outlook, new attitude! Here I am World, if you want to step up and take me on, I won't be the one backing down because I'm Bex and I'm here to stay! I haven't broken and even when I've stumbled I haven't fallen. No one and no thing on this planet is going to change me, conform me, bend me, break me or destroy me. You may hurt me but I will heal, you may look upon me with disdain and contempt but guess what? Your looks mean nothing in my world because obviously I'm NOT looking at you!! Time for change has come and now it's time to move forward.

BEX <3

Conflicted

Haven't felt good in a few days so it has given me time to think allot. The most recent event has and had nothing to do with me personally. Dude's family and friends have all said that this type of behavior is nothing new and has happened in the past. I just happened to be the one it occurred to this time. It makes me sad that he's felt the need to attack me and it makes me sadder that he wasn't the man I fell in love with, that he kept secrets and blatantly lied to me. He could have told me the truth about his pregnant girlfriend, he could have told me the truth about everything and anything but he disrespected me by lying. That hurts my heart. It hurt my heart because even as his Mother and the other woman were both telling me the truth he was on the other line, lying to me. It hurts because he lied but for some reason feels the need to attempt to find some dirt on me using people that got kicked out of my house for drug use, using common knowledge that he already knew and that everyone knows. Yes my mom was on crack, yes that's why mom and her boyfriend Dave got kicked out of my home also. My mom dumped Dave and has been clean for 17 months. So what??? Everyone knows this, I told him this but he can't even get his story straight because he thought it was my buddy Dave that the addict was telling him about not my stepdad. Why send me threatening text messages, why try to attack me at all?? He did things that he knew would end us, he knew how I felt about lying and cheating. So to me, he did it knowingly. Why not just leave me alone? Why keep texting at 2 am? You made your choice, live with it. There's no going back no matter how much it hurts my heart it is over and it's in the past.

Unfortunately I was mad when he popped into my life, I acted on very skewed emotions and because I acted out on those feelings, I hurt Matt. I did it and I have to live with that. Thankfully, Matt is a good enough person to have given me the chance to apologize and still be my friend. Losing a friend of many years would have hurt more than anything else because I never say goodbye to people, they just become a different aspect in my life. I still regret letting him come between Matt and I but again, I have to live with that and get over it.

I've decided that all of this is a lesson to be learned. Changes have to be made in my life to get it back on track. It sounds selfish but I have to get back to living my life for me and not for the people around me. I can't look back on the past, I have to look towards the future because I'm moving forward. There's allot of hurt feelings in the past but allot of happiness awaiting me in the future! Cheers to the future!!!

Bex <3  

..........The End

My heart hurts for the choices that you made that will forever keep you from being the person that you could be, the person that I saw. It hurts for the lies that you've told and by doing so, destroying the honor that you could have held inside yourself. I feel sorry for you that you felt the need to get so drunk that you don't even remember verbally attacking me, my sons', my mother and my best friends. Why would I forgive you for that? You thought you were so slick talking to Kayla but here's the funny part, you don't remember that I told you and your mother about my family's past with drug addiction but that I also told you that my Mom has been clean for 17 months. And anyone that's known me for 5 minutes can tell you that I have never touched the stuff and they'll straight up laugh in your face for calling Dave a crackhead. You found out old news from a drug addict that hasn't spoken to me in 3 years and has continually proven a coward by running away from me, congratulations for finding a mouth breather as low as yourself. My heart hurts that you felt the need to lower yourself to such subterranean levels, to act so viciously towards me and my people when we did NOTHING to you but offer you our friendship, love and a home.

What really hurts me though, truly breaks my heart, I let myself believe in you and I hurt an unbelievably good person because of you. I acted against my own values and I hurt someone innocent that did not deserve the way I treated him. I almost lost a faithful friend. Almost.

It always bothered you that I do not say goodbye to people. And that is a part of me that I would  not and will never change. Until now. Because for every rule there is an exception. I will not forgive and I will not forget, not in this lifetime, not in the next. Your hateful, malicious behavior, your obscene continuous  pathological lying, all of this and so much more that you have done and said combined together ensures that my forgiveness will not exist where you are concerned. Hell, your own people will not stand behind your behavior and lies, what does that say about the person you are deep down inside when your own family and friends do not and will not back you but instead they tolerate you at best.

Because of your actions I went against my peoples' advice and my own instinct, I contacted 2 law enforcement agencies and made them aware of the situation. The next step is to file the report, submit all of my evidence against you and your insignificant other and, well....you know what comes next. Do not push me, it will not be advantageous to you in any way. You've seen me slightly aggravated, you do not want to see me pissed off.

You make my heart hurt not because I have feelings for you, my heart hurts to see a blatant waste of what could have been a decent human being and instead became everything black and evil a human could become until there is no humanity left in them anymore.

For your own best interest, forget that I exist. The consequences of continuing to stalk me will not be pleasant.

Know this for a most certain fact: You no longer exist in my Universe, no one that is within your life exists in my Universe. You have destroyed the rights that you had to share my world and all within it and all that encompasses it. You do not exist.

Sincerely,
Rebecca Dawn Van Marter-Ragsdale (BEX)

Trying to make sense out of crazy

Trying to make sense out of crazy is much like getting reading lessons from Helen Keller, eventually you may get it but there's an eternity of frustration in between getting it and not getting it. I don't understand what the hell happened anymore than any of you. I was happy and he was wonderful, couple of hours later I was stunned and was riding the bipolarcoaster. Since Monday it's been a bombardment of angry/threatening/loving/suicidal text messages to which I have not replied. I have been subjected to his ex (who evidently is in the next car back on the bipolarcoaster) calling me and texting me to which I have replied with "What the hell do you want from me, take the damn crazy and forget that I exist!"

Tried for a few days to make sense of it all but there is no sense to be found in it so instead of driving myself crazy, I am content with the knowledge that yep, I want nor need crazy.

Becky