Out of confusion and chaos come the answers

Or at least some of them. It's been such a weird 2 weeks. Garrett popped up from the grey mists, needing a friend and the chance to recollect himself. I have to wonder if this is a twist of fate or the Universe giving me my answers finally. After Tony there was Cameron. I didn't love either any less though it all happened so fast but I let them become my life and completely consume my heart, leaving nothing for myself. Garrett is the first male that has been "just" a friend near me, in what feels like a lifetime. Even Dave always wants more, it's never unconditional.

This has given me the moment that I needed to pause and think. To reflect and center myself again. I don't need anyone in my Universe to be my partner, I can do it on my own. I've begun to heal and it feels good to actually feel again.

I had my Christmas party this weekend. Thought about not doing it this year because my holidays were so much more poignant because of Cameron last year. But I sucked it up and had the party and do you know what happened? I laughed. I laughed, I joked, I played with my friends for the first time in months and it was the most amazing feeling in the world. The hole in my heart isn't mended by a long shot but it began to mend itself. Having Garrett crashing on the couch, going through what I am going through and not asking anything of me, just accepting and talking has created an atmosphere of tranquility and healing that was much needed.

I can love you and I can miss you but you are no longer part of my path and now I can let you go. 

Why so interested?

Was checking some of my stats on both blogs and noticed that 2 days this week there were far more views on this blog than on Chaos And Candy. I'm just curious as to why that is? This particular blog is for feelings, personal stuff, more of a diary of my emotions. I don't find them particularly interesting, I find it all frustrating and confusing. Are you someone that I know or just someone that happened upon the inner workings of my heart? Just curious and believe it, I do find it comforting that someone out in the Universe is interested in how I feel when so many times my Universe feels like such a lonely place. Just wanted to say Thx for listening <3

Bex

New post

new post on http://bexchaosandcandy.blogspot.com

Can't get past this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KMihKmoYfe8

Yes and No

Yes, I know that Cam's not going to come back.
No, I don't accept that.
Yes, I know he'll never be a part of my life again.
No, I do not want it that way even if it is the only way.


Yes and no. It's all just a massive conflict. Everything is a conflict. Nothing has an easy option. I'd like to be Tony's friend but there's too much animosity.

I'd like Brian to see how much I've accomplished for him and Ian and for once appreciate it but there's too much negativity in him and I'm his only target to lash out at.

Yes I want to go back to florida.
No I can't do it on my own.

Yes I want what I had a month ago,
No I'll never have it again.

Why can't everything just be simple black and white? Lines drawn, no grey area, why can't it just "be"? Never can wrap my head around conflict, it makes no sense to me, on any level and never has. To me, everything either is or it isn't. Your happy or your in love, you don't do things that will destroy that. If your not happy, fine make a change but don't do it at someone else's expense.

I don't know. No amount of this circular thinking makes it any more clear to me. 

last year

Last year, I spent Halloween getting to know you better.
Last year, I invited you in as family for Thanksgiving.
Last year, We shared presents under my Christmas tree.
Last year, I kissed you on New Years at midnight.
This year, I walked by your side and we handled it all, together.
This year, You left me alone with these memories and nothing else except my love, a broken heart and dreams of what might have been, what could have been, what I wanted and believed it would be.

Spent this year fighting to hold myself together
just to have you tear me apart, my partner, my best friend, my lover, my love.
This year, I gave you the key to my heart and my life, I trusted you above anyone else.
This year, you broke my heart and left me standing in the ashy ruin of my life, alone.
This year, you stole my key so that I may never know closure, so that I'm bound to you never being able to fully close the door. Forever trapped by you.

It's time

Time to let go of the past. Time to let go of the ghosts. It's time to move on.

Forward movement to the positive instead of dwelling on the negativity of the past. Time to start healing but also time to embrace now. Eventually time to look ahead but for now, time to breathe again. I've proven to myself that if I continue on this path it will eat my soul. I don't want that. I want to be me again. So it is time...

Time to let go of the past. Time to let go of the ghosts.

It's just time.