Trying to make sense out of crazy

Trying to make sense out of crazy is much like getting reading lessons from Helen Keller, eventually you may get it but there's an eternity of frustration in between getting it and not getting it. I don't understand what the hell happened anymore than any of you. I was happy and he was wonderful, couple of hours later I was stunned and was riding the bipolarcoaster. Since Monday it's been a bombardment of angry/threatening/loving/suicidal text messages to which I have not replied. I have been subjected to his ex (who evidently is in the next car back on the bipolarcoaster) calling me and texting me to which I have replied with "What the hell do you want from me, take the damn crazy and forget that I exist!"

Tried for a few days to make sense of it all but there is no sense to be found in it so instead of driving myself crazy, I am content with the knowledge that yep, I want nor need crazy.

Becky

I'll get over it

This too shall pass, I'll get past it. I'm stronger than all this and this is nothing more than a raindrop in an ocean. I will not sit here and feel sorry for myself, I will not dwell on woulda, coulda, shoulda. Yes I will be sad because I've had too much loss in the past 5 days to not grieve but it will not consume me or define me. Although I will walk out of this, I will not walk out of it unscathed. I've broken my own rules for a year and pursued a relationship and each time it has blown up in my face magnificently. I've wasted a year of my life searching for something that does not exist. Before a year ago, I didn't date, no one was allowed in my world and there were never emotions involved. I was financially stable, emotionally stable and content within my world. I miss that sense of peace and tranquility. My new goal is to get this all back. It's time to focus on rebuilding my little empire.  

Painful but necessary

Life waits for no one and no one gets out alive. I spent 7 months in a relationship that didn't make particularly happy last year. I figured that if I held out maybe something would change and it would become what I wanted. Of course that is a very naive approach, it never changed and I woke up realizing that I had wasted 7 months of my life for nothing. I do not want to do that again.

I can't sit around waiting to live a life with Matt when the time is right. I can't have an existence and put my life on hold, I can't wake up months from now realizing that time has slipped by with me being unhappy.

I've found myself in many ways right back where I was a year ago only this time it's clear to me that I need to make changes instead of just letting life happen around me. This time I need to make the necessary changes to a relationship in order to be happy instead of waiting for it to change. If it's goodbye then it's goodbye. It will hurt but it'll hurt less to walk away now then 7 months from now. I'll shed my tears but continue on my journey forever learning about life. 

Life at a stand still but with pretty scenery

Of course as per usual my life is at a stand still. I'm waiting and waiting, stuck at an impasse until the Universe sees fit to let me in on the scheme of things. I actually believe that this time maybe it's for a positive turn this time. Only because I am exactly back where I was last year, right back at square one. Last year was a hurricane of negativity, every time I got myself up and out of it some new swell would bring me under and drown me. I lost allot of myself but consequently learned allot about myself and fixed allot of personal issues. It wasn't all positive though, as expected there was a certain amount of negative impact as well. I'm not as trusting or as willing to help as I use to be. And I tend to be much more suspicious than I ever was before.

Despite all of that and all of the things that I am getting hit with currently, there is beauty in my life, my Universe. True and heartfelt beauty that blinds me every time that I look at it, takes my breath away every single time. I am grateful every moment for this respite from the black clouds. Without the dark, how would we truly appreciate the Sun? A once in a lifetime God given miracle handed me my very own personal Sun :) It's nice to feel it's warmth after being submerged in the cold for so long.

Becky

Take a walk through the past but looking forward to the future

As much as I tell others to not accept blame or responsibility for other peoples actions, I sometimes find it hard not to do this to myself. I look back at the past year and I have to wonder if it really isn't just simply that I can not have a relationship. Maybe it was my fault and maybe I am truly a broken girl. There will always be that small insecurity hiding in the back of my mind even though I truly do understand that no matter what the conditions, neither of those relationships were meant to be a permanent thing. One had to straighten out his life and learn to love himself and the other, well....I honestly don't believe that our worlds would have worked together. His path lay in another direction then mine does. Really wish he'd stop being a douche and accept the olive branch of friendship that I've put forth. Seems a waste to end such a good friendship. But hey, I made the effort.

I found someone as broken as I am. I'm being smart and taking it ultra slow, thinking with my head instead of just blindly following my emotions. It's proving a bit more difficult than I'd expected. See, I usually have this nasty habit of taking the things that I have in common with someone and pushing that to the forefront while taking the things that don't connect and dismissing them. That way everyone is comfortable and happy.

With him I find that I don't have to do that. The ways that we differ compliment each other, our differences actually make our connections better. It's easy to be with him. Easy to talk to him, easy to be quiet, easy to be passionate, easy to be funny. It's as easy as breathing and that's all I ever wanted. Now I have it and it's terrifying me. Instead of feeling like I'm losing myself in him, I feel as if I found a part of myself instead.

My key will stay safely around my neck. But I think he crushed the lock.

Becky

Fire trucks, syringes, Steve Jobs and who let Sarah Palin out of her box?

http://bexchaosandcandy.blogspot.com/2012/01/fire-trucks-syringes-steve-jobs-and-who.html

2012, changing the aspect of my views. Not a resolution!

Most people begin the New year with a resolution and usually, statistically by February have failed their own damn resolution. I, personally, have never made a resolution nor will I. In fact, I generally do not celebrate New Year's at all. This year I painted my nails, watched some decent movies, kissed my best friend and promptly went to bed. It's a new year and like the other 36 that I have lived through, this one will have it's ups and downs like all others. I am hoping that it does less damage to me than last year but hey even that was worth all of the lessons that I learned in those 365 days. Good or bad it will be an experience. 

I am however going to change the aspect of my views and general reactions to certain things. This change in thought happened a few days ago when I sat down and thought about all that has transpired in the past 3 weeks, it brought about a personal epiphany of sorts. 

Twice in less than a week I let two people attack me verbally and I kept my mouth shut, listened to every word and stored it away for future thought. And I did think on it quite a bit. Generally I could give a rat's ass what other people think especially when they aren't a major player in the game of my life but, someone close to me did the same thing a week later. This made me stop and think it all through. 

Here's the conclusion that I came to. The person close to me has a bad history of playing upon my emotions, attacking my insecurities(don't die of shock, even I have insecurities), and sabotaging my personal relationships. I discussed this whole situation with an outside party and decided it's time to put some distance there for my own good. I can't keep letting this happen and enabling someone to hurt me on purpose. 

As far as the other person goes, well as self serving as this sounds, she acted out of jealousy and fear derived of her own insecurities which she then projected on me. Not going to happen again. Twice she's been a pretentious, know it all, rude, uncouth person in MY home. Next time she wants to watch her mouth. 

I've been through allot this past year and allot of it I believe was self induced because I wasn't true to myself. Dave would have you believe that I conformed for the 2 guys I was with but that is wildly untrue. I was probably more myself around them then at any other time through the year. I acted and reacted the way the people around me expected me to and that's not me. I am a big advocate for taking responsibility for your actions and I failed myself with that this year. 

No more letting others dictate my emotions, actions, life. I have a comfortable existence, financially, emotionally, physically. And I will no longer feel bad because others are jealous of this. And I will no longer let others twist my perception and dictate who I am friends with and who I speak to. The past is exactly that, past me. 

My policy has always been an open door policy, doors open come on in. I still have an open door policy but now you must leave your baggage some where else because it's not my job to deal with it. 

I can't fix you, hell I can't fix me. I'm just looking for someone as broken as I am now, lol. 

Hope you all have a Happy New Year and remember it is a new year, time to let the past be just that, the past. Try living for the moment Faithful Readers.