Quick Update to Second Chances

 Bex here, just a Quick Update to the previous and last post "Second Chances". It failed miserably. 

XOXOXO

Bex

Second Chances

I keep thinking I'll wake up and this will all have been a dream. I fell in love with my high school sweetheart, how is that really happening? It's honestly SO good that it's scaring me. I've always been a passionate person but the love I have for Jason is so fierce and passionate that it's unsettling to me because I'm so use to constantly controlling my emotions. He has managed to throw my whole carefully constructed World on end. I'm doing things, saying things, feeling things that I never would or have in the past because it would throw off my controlled environment. But now, with Jason, everything has become different, I have NO control! For once, there's a reason, a purpose to life beyond existing. I can't explain, there are no words or expressions that seem to fit. Frustrating when your entire life is based on expression of the written word to be so speechless. It's the first time that sex has been an emotional experience, the first time I've cared what another person thought of me, the first time I have thought of someone other than myself, the first time I've thought about seriously spending my life with someone, sharing my life not just okay your here, I'm here, let's do life, the first time I've wanted the future that I see possible with all of my being, the first time that I've prayed that this is really real. Please God, don't let this be a lesson, please let this be everything that I want it to be.

I've spent time with his family and every time that I do, it's like seeing what life SHOULD have been, what it could be. A real family that loves each other, that wants to spend time together, that has accepted me without question just because Jason loves me. What would that be like? What would that be like to be accepted just.......because your you? Can you imagine a love like that because I've only read about it. And that is exactly what this whole situation is, something I've read about, dreamed about, fantasized of having but never real in my world. Could a fairytale be real? Could it be real AND happening to me??? I don't deserve something so.....perfect.

And what happens if it doesn't happen in real life? What then? I can't afford to think about that for a second, it wrecks me completely just as a fleeting thought. This whole situation feels like an nihilistic nightmare, an existential conundrum. Every reason I thought I had, everything I did not believe in, have faith in, every little thing I opposed, is wiped away....with one look into his eyes, those incredible, soul bearing blue eyes. One touch will send me into a complete, total spiral of my World's utter nuclear destruction. How is it that one insignificant piece of my past can do this to Bex?? Well, okay, insignificant is the wrong word. He's been obviously significant. I was just looking through some of my pictures today and it dawned on me that my exes look suspiciously, very much like him, always wondered why I was so attracted to blue eyes and brown hair, lol.

Okay, so, yes I'm rambling however, now you understand exactly what I'm talking about when I say I'm thrown under the bus by Jason. See how thoroughly I am rendered incompetent by a man??? That's one of the things that really throws me off my game and fucks my entire Universe, it's a man. A man no different than any of the 7 BILLION people on the planet! He is no different, no better, no worse than I am. Why does he spin me whole World out so exhaustively, out of it's orbit?

And trust me, it is exhausting to watch something I've so painstakingly built for so many decades, be dismantled so decisively, so quickly!!! Fuck me, I'm screwed!!!

So Much Better

In my previous post, I explained that I was beginning to rebuild myself after being heart broken for so long. I wasn't looking nor did I expect to find a partner but you know what they say: You'll find it when you least expect it.

I spend time with him and it feels like home. I can't explain any better than that. I am falling in love with him in a way that I didn't think possible, It's the most amazing feeling. It's not just the fairytale love that I've always believed in, it's the love of someone I could share life with, the love of a possible partner which is always what I've wanted. I look at him and my heart wants to burst with the love and admiration I have for him, the beauty that I see in his heart. I want to hold him and protect him from anything and everything that would dare attempt to hurt him in this world.

He was my high school sweetheart, my first love. Ironic that it should come full circle 23 years later like so many books that I've lost myself in throughout the years. After losing touch, finding each other, reconnecting and then discovering that attraction, those emotions that started it all, are still there. Not in the same way but so much better. I couldn't ask for anything more because he's everything that I had ever wanted but didn't think to ask for.

Better and Worse

Thanks to Maverick filing a civil suit against me for something so petty that my lawyer took the case free of charge for the fun of it and my streak of truly not giving a fuck, I feel free of the heartbreak that has plagued my very soul for months. I still get annoyed and aggravated when he's dumb enough to show up around here but it's a fleeting feeling that doesn't stick.

Have been feeling more ME, lately. More together, capable, strong. It no longer feels like a constant battle to hold myself together for fear of shattering into a million pieces.

This renewed strength has brought with it both good and bad results. I've never looked or felt better, I feel no need to submerse myself into another relationship. I'm happier spending time with my friends. I just want to have fun, go see bands, hike, BBQ. I've found that I enjoy reading like I use to do every day, researching history that interests me, watching movies, all of the things that use to bring me joy in every day life has once again become central to my happiness.

I'm drinking more though. Allot more. There's something underlying in my subconscious that is creating enough turmoil that I'm drinking to the point that I blacked out last week. I haven't done that in over 2 years. It's worrying me enough that I've set the date to quit drinking again, it's time to take a break until I can get control of every aspect of myself. I've never been comfortable losing even the tiniest bit of control of myself, even for a minute of time.

It won't take me long to get it together completely and return to my self once again however I won't lie, it would be nicer to be able to do this with someone by my side. I feel, truly in my heart, that this is something that I have to do on my own though. Relying on someone for my happiness, inner peace and emotional stability is what got me into this mess to begin with.

I know that I can handle whatever comes my way, this is just a drop in the ocean compared to a month ago.  

Does it ever end?

I have to wonder sometimes. Will it ever end or at least diminish? Will you ever stop appearing in my dreams, will your memory ever fade to something less vivid in my mind? I have to wonder, will I ever stop loving you, will I ever stop needing you, will I ever stop being IN love with you, or stop craving your smell, your taste, the way that you feel. Is it ever going to stop or did I truly give you every moment of forever when I said those words? Just when I think that I'm getting better, a hole gets ripped through my chest with a fleeting memory of your smile and how it touches your eyes. A stranger will walk past me wearing  a similar shirt and I am bleeding for days. A song, a smell, a memory all of this shreds me but the dreams, those god damned dreams! So vivid, so real, I would swear on everything I know that they are real. I can feel your hand in mine, hear your voice as you lean in to tell me something, feel the warmth of your breath on my neck, I can smell your scent, I know it's you, truly you. I wake and it's like losing you all over again. The wounds are fresh and bleeding again, every single time. Yet, every night I hope in the darkest parts of my mind and deepest parts of my pieced together heart that I will dream of you again. Because even though it destroy's me it's worth the price just to be near you again. If only for a short time, it feels as if I am whole and unhurt as if it never happened, I am complete with you.

I promised you, every single moment of forever.
It seems that you will get no less than what was promised. 

sigh

I can't seem to fall out of love with you no matter how much time passes, no matter what has happened or what's been said. I love you and I miss you. 

Dreaming and waking

Been having the strangest dreams in the past week. The same person is always in them and when I wake up I can't seem to shake that person out of my head. I think my subconscious is trying to tell me to deal with unresolved situations in a time in my life when so much is being resolved so absolutely. Then again it's possible that they're just dreams and I am reading too much into it but I heard a song today that made me think that maybe just maybe your dreaming of me too. But if you don't dream of me, don't think of me, if there is nothing there, than I will not regret what time I had with you. I will remember it kindly and realize that sometimes, dreams are just dreams like little movies playing in your head while you sleep. Waking however, will be a bit sadder for that realization. 

I wonder

I wonder if anyone at all realizes the toll all of this takes on me? People expect me to be there when they need me for money, a place to live, moral, emotional support, encouragement, pay their bills, food, nicotine, etc. But does anyone ever stop to realize the financial and emotional exhaustion that I feel having to be everyone else's rock? Does anyone stop to consider how mentally draining it is to me to constantly have to pick up other people's pieces? Does anyone ever stop to consider that I fall to pieces too? Is there just one person that stops to consider how I feel when someone I love purposefully acts malicious to me because of their own insecurity, again and again but then expects me to give 110% when they need me.

I am so completely tired, exhausted from others expectations. Just want to crawl under the covers and stay there. I don't want to hear the words "Want, need" ever again.

Going to sleep.
Becky 

I will not....

I will not be there when you fall down and I will not be there as your fail safe, fall back individual any longer. I am not going to be there to make you feel good about the person that you are when you constantly make me feel like less than what I am. You take my kindness, my unconditional true love, my loyalty and my compromising for granted for the last time. You keep looking for the greener grass on the other side of the fence than please by all means, stay on that side of the fence and stop coming back to my side. I'm tired of one day having you tell me things that make my heart soar and then you destroy it with one blow and have no sense that what you have said or done would hurt me. How could you be so inconsiderate a person? How could you have so little regard for me, my feelings, or my humanity? How do you justify that????

And I'm just the stupid fucking sucker that's believed in you.

I'm the dupe that thought because I saw something good in you that it was true.

Truth is sometimes cruel.

Becky

Ghosts and Goodbyes

I can’t look anywhere in this, my small piece of the World, without having the memories bombard me. Lying next to you in bed, talking until the Dawn’s first light, Making love uninhibited, you and I walking  hand in hand across the lot to begin an adventure, Snuggled on the couch watching television on a rainy day, Seeing you walking up my walk and anticipating you walking through my door, The first glimpse of you when I wake. There is no respite here from the cascade of memories. I can’t seem to escape the ghost of “Us”.

I wish that it were just in this confined space that I encounter these ghosts but everywhere I go there you are, invading my present with our past. Time is supposed to heal all wounds but these wounds have grown worse with every moment passed. I have not recovered, I have covered up and hidden the true damage done to the very core of my being. I have painted on smiles with every stroke of lipstick, hidden the pain reflected in my eyes with the darkest of eyeliners and distracted prying eyes with the most revealing of clothing. How very ironic, isn’t it?

Under the guise of friendship I have kept you in my world because sometimes, something is better than nothing. In the end it has just made it more difficult to repair myself. I should have just walked away completely, but I was not that strong. I couldn’t stand to say goodbye, couldn’t bear the thought of losing you so completely. I wanted to hold on to any little piece of you that I could so that my heart would not shatter into so many sharp, tiny, fragile shards. In the end it was you that shut and locked the door on us so thoroughly. Oh, how easy you made that seem, to just walk out of my life without a backwards glance, to begin your life fresh, easy breezy. Goodbye is such an easy word to say but so hard an action to accomplish when love alters ones inner self completely as it does me.

It’s time for me to leave all of this behind me. I have to let go of the memories, the ghosts that haunt me every moment of every single day. I have to say goodbye to this place and its torment. It’s time to pack my bags and begin a new life somewhere with no past just a future to look forward to. I have to do this to save myself from getting lost in this depressing abyss. I say goodbye to you in order to say hello to a new beginning. It is time to think about what is good for me.

In the deepest recess of my heart I wish that you would come to me wanting to leave together or ask me to stay for you but if I have learned one thing from you it is that fairy tales don’t exist and happily ever after is just the last sentence in a pretty story.  

Becky

I don't get it?

There are times when I am forced to take a good long look at something that will upset me. Generally I can do this and get through it but there are times when it's too much and I snap. It's like getting kicked in the chest or falling and you knock the wind out of your lungs. I can't breathe. Eventually I get my air back, recover but there's always that moment that I start to think about it and as is my way, I try to make sense of it. I analyze the situation front to back, inside and out. I try to put myself in the opposite position, to see it from different perspectives. I take into consideration all points of view. There are times like now that make this impossible. Because it doesn't make sense at all. If someone offered you a Porterhouse Steak or a Big Mac, you'd take the steak every time. Why then would you settle for a woman that is my inferior, why choose someone that is obviously not even in my league, financially, intellectually, physically? Why choose a knock off when you could have the Couture? Makes no sense to me. I think I am truly beginning to hate men. Or at least all the ones that I know. Time to meet new ones and kick these morons in the ass. I will not sit around waiting while you take advantage of my easy going nature. And I will not be here when you realize that you made a mistake, again. I will be long gone...........

Becky

Changing my stars

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that my luck and my stars have changed. Since Saturday life has been allot cheerier place :) We'll see I suppose. But for now I am content and I'm just going to continue to be easy breezy because there is absolutely no point in stressing about things that I can not control, nor do I want to control. I'm smiling right now and that is all that matters :)

Bex

Partners

We talked for 2 days. We chose to walk this path together, again. I dislike that you did not talk to me about what you were going through, that you chose to cut me off for 2 days and chose to go through it alone. That's not fair. You got on my case for not using the words "Our Life" but chose to cut me out of Our life when things got tough on you. I'm here, for better or worse, I will stand by your side and fight the world but you have to let me! You can't choose what parts I see and which I don't, I love you. Not just pieces of you, the whole you. Did you think that knowing you were having problems would frighten me off in some way? Everyone has problems, some worse, some better. I resent that you didn't trust me and believe in our or my love enough to lean on me when you needed to. We are partners, together. If we are going to overcome obstacles than we need to do it like we should be doing all things...together. I hope this is just a glitch because I already lost you once and I don't want to again.

B 

Too too too much

Once I make a decision, then I'm okay. It's deciding what the best course of action is that always gets me. I over think everything and I spend entirely too much time in my head by the time I'm done with the thought process, my opportunity to act has usually passed me by. There are entirely too many things happening around me and too me that I have had no control over and to be honest, the times that I should have stepped up and done something, I didn't. I let it slide. Because believe it or not, I am not as confrontational as you might think. Staying in this endless cycle is just going to keep me running in place. I can't do that anymore and I can't keep taking care of other people and I can't keep putting myself out there financially and emotionally because someone else is unhappy. I hate it when the people around me aren't happy so I always do whatever I can to make certain they become happy. Usually to my own end. I have to do something now and I have to stand by my decision. Once it's done it needs to stay done. I've chosen the course of action and now it's time to snag that opportunity to act.

Becky

Allot of things change

It's been almost a month since my last post here in Hearts, mostly because I've been uncertain about my own. Allot has changed and then there is allot that is history repeating itself. And then there is a piece of history returned to me that makes me hopeful. I don't think that this Summer is going to be as anyone once had hopes for but I do believe it will be the end of an era and the beginning of a future. Then again, I have been known to be wrong so I guess it is up to the Gods and we shall see. 

So happy that I have everything that I have in my life

Bill just left to go work in the Southern Tier for the next few days, Having dinner with my mom, roommate and son tonight then chilling in front of my Sunday night shows. It may sound boring and mundane to some however, thanks to a friends big mouth and a little "Scooby" time I've discovered how very thankful I am for EVERYTHING in my life. It may seem like small time but this is my apartment and it's paid for, no one has to be here that I don't want to be here. It is MY space. My bills are ALL paid for by ME, not my parents not my friends, me. I own everything in this apartment, I don't split it with anyone, I and I alone own it. I was the one that bought it, no one bought it for me.

What I am truly in my heart and soul completely grateful and thankful for is my friends and family. My best friend lives with me, I have but to go in the other room to cry on his shoulder, laugh by his side or crack an ice cold beer on the front porch with him. I just have to throw a text out there and 30 people are in my living room laughing and having a blast. The last time I had a bad time in life I had a living room full of shoulders to cry on and they went through it all with me one step at a time.

My family. My dad is a phone call away no matter what time it is. My mom is out here with us every other weekend. My uncle's, I just have to call. My sons' are becoming beautiful men and though we may not get along all the time I love them more than my own life, whether they know it or not. I am proud of them.

Bill is one of the most beautiful souls that I have ever met. And I can't say that he is my "Jack" yet but I'm hoping. He is a wonderful, loving, fun, funny, exciting, adventurous, affectionate, caring man. Everything I wanted and didn't know to ask for. I love him with all that I am.

So happy that I have everything that I have in my life and don't have to create make believe friends and steal photo's of internet websites to pretend that I have a good life, I'm blessed to have a REAL life.

Becky

:(

Just got the news that Bill has to leave tonight for work and won't be back till wednesday. Going to miss him terribly but have had a really good weekend with him!! We've had so much fun and nice, sweet times. Can't wait till wednesday!!!!

Bec

*Sigh*

Because I've been so negligent, my blood sugar levels have been really wonky lately. And I keep getting sick because it's compromising my immune system, this always happens when I ignore what my body is trying to tell me. Sinus infections, chest infections, bladder infections, they all take advantage when I'm like this because I generally don't get sick except a cold every 2-3 years. Needless to say, of course I got sick this week. Now normally I wouldn't be excited about being in pain and sick but something happened that made me smile through all of it. See because of my past 2 experiences it's jaded me slightly towards relationships and of course it's only been a year since I began dating so.....yeah, I expected Bill to see me sick and turn tail while yelling for me to call when I'm better, LOL.

Didn't happen. He stayed by me, took me to the doctor, bought my medicine, ordered dinner so that I wouldn't have to cook, rubbed my back and never left my side for a moment :)

He's everything I could ever want and more.

Becky <3

Have had the best days :)

Oh my goodness the past week has been amazing!! Bill is an awesome man in every way possible! He's taken me shopping, gotten me presents that mean so much to me. We've gone to diner's and had awesome breakfasts, explored cool places that I had never heard of, of course he's taken me shopping, spent a day curled up watching tv together, had drinks with our friends. It's just been one beautiful moment after the next. I hope it never ends because there is nothing that I love more than getting lost in his beautiful blue eyes and feeling so safe and warm next to him every night. It's magical when I am around him, feels like the most incredible dream that I hope I never wake up from.

Becky

What a great day :)

Bill and I spent the day having adventures :) Took him to MOST for his first time, played like a couple of kids, had lunch at Johnny Rockets and then did some shopping. He bought me a beautiful geode from MOST, it's my shade of pink. I didn't realize that he bought it and some time later in the afternoon he surprised me with it, too cool. Showed him where I grew up and in between destinations we took the long way and just enjoyed time together, it was really nice. It's nice to have a man that's independent and takes the time to notice little things about me enough to get me something as simple as a pink geode, it's nice to have someone want to take care of me. I like this :)\

Becky