My heart is in your hands and there for will remain Forever Broken
Becky
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
I know
I know that he will be leaving. That I have a few short months and then it will be over. I also know that if his insecurities are tried he will leave sooner. I am okay with the knowledge of him leaving because it's not like he wasn't up front with me about his plans. I once told him that I would rather be all in 100% emotionally, mentally, physically than to cheat myself of an experience with him. And the hurt that will come from him leaving is all part of that experience because you can't have the sweet in life without the sour.
I fell in love with him.
It took me by surprise because for once I didn't just jump in to a relationship and follow nothing but my emotions. I've put thought into every move I've made with him. I've considered every option and calculated all the risks before I've made any decisions at all. And because I took that approach it's been a very comfortable co-existence. But in the past few days I've come to discover that I am completely and totally in love with him. Now how did that happen without me seeing it or even sensing it coming? How did that happen with out me knowing it? Damn it, Damn it all. Wasn't really looking to have that extent of an emotional response and thought that by going about this with my head and not my irrational emotions that I'd escape this particular response. This completely blows my theory on how my emotions work.
The confusing point in all of this is that loving him makes me happy, he makes me happy. While loving him and being with him makes me happy, I can't tell him that. If I tell him that I love him I run the risk of triggering the emotional insecurity he has about deserving love and in turn he will walk away rather than stay, so it will end sooner. It's all very tragic really. Love him happy because of him, can't tell him or tell him he makes me happy I love him and lose him sooner. This is like a bad novel.
I'e been considering taking my usual course of action, consequences be damned. Just come right out and tell him "I love you and T, you make me happy." and then just brace myself for whatever happens. But when it comes right down to it, I'm a great big emotional coward because I don't want to run the risk of losing him before I absolutely have to. I don't want to say goodbye to the man that I'm in love with until his bags are packed and he's on the road to Arizona. I never have looked that forward in a relationship before but this one came with a general expiration date so it's forced me too. He makes me smile, really smile from the inside, whole heartedly smile, have you ever done that? It's an amazing feeling to smile like that.
I know that he doesn't realize what a wonderful, intelligent, inspiring, beautiful and loving person he is. Wish he could see in himself what I see when I look at him for just a moment.
I fell in love with him.
It took me by surprise because for once I didn't just jump in to a relationship and follow nothing but my emotions. I've put thought into every move I've made with him. I've considered every option and calculated all the risks before I've made any decisions at all. And because I took that approach it's been a very comfortable co-existence. But in the past few days I've come to discover that I am completely and totally in love with him. Now how did that happen without me seeing it or even sensing it coming? How did that happen with out me knowing it? Damn it, Damn it all. Wasn't really looking to have that extent of an emotional response and thought that by going about this with my head and not my irrational emotions that I'd escape this particular response. This completely blows my theory on how my emotions work.
The confusing point in all of this is that loving him makes me happy, he makes me happy. While loving him and being with him makes me happy, I can't tell him that. If I tell him that I love him I run the risk of triggering the emotional insecurity he has about deserving love and in turn he will walk away rather than stay, so it will end sooner. It's all very tragic really. Love him happy because of him, can't tell him or tell him he makes me happy I love him and lose him sooner. This is like a bad novel.
I'e been considering taking my usual course of action, consequences be damned. Just come right out and tell him "I love you and T, you make me happy." and then just brace myself for whatever happens. But when it comes right down to it, I'm a great big emotional coward because I don't want to run the risk of losing him before I absolutely have to. I don't want to say goodbye to the man that I'm in love with until his bags are packed and he's on the road to Arizona. I never have looked that forward in a relationship before but this one came with a general expiration date so it's forced me too. He makes me smile, really smile from the inside, whole heartedly smile, have you ever done that? It's an amazing feeling to smile like that.
I know that he doesn't realize what a wonderful, intelligent, inspiring, beautiful and loving person he is. Wish he could see in himself what I see when I look at him for just a moment.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Making it epic
If you knew there was an expiration time or time limit on something good in your life, would you give up or would you give it everything you had to make it everything it could be? Would you walk away from it, giving up because of an inevitable end? Would you just handle it half way under the misguided thought of what's the point in giving it your all if it's going to end anyway?
I knew going in to this that there was a time limit and I've fought with my feelings about this for a bit. I said before, I'm fine 99.9% of the time but there are still those moments when it gets to me.
Yesterday I made my decision, given my personality it wasn't really ever a choice. I'm putting myself all in. I'd rather have Happily ever 4 months, than nothing at all.
My belief has always been to experience anything and everything that you have the opportunity to. Fall in love again and again, get your heart broken, find something that gives you pure joy and keep doing it, feel EVERYTHING! Because even the unpleasant feelings of being heart broken, sad, lost, even all those hurtful feelings will teach you something in your journey through life. Don't go through life half way people, take it to the limit and back again, never hold back because you could lose the chance for something great.
Choose to make everything epic never settle for mediocre, that's not living it's just existing.
I'm choosing epic, I can't speak for the other half of this equation but I'm choosing to live and experience this to the fullest possible. A half way life has never been for me. It's all or nothing.
Making it Epic,
Becky
I knew going in to this that there was a time limit and I've fought with my feelings about this for a bit. I said before, I'm fine 99.9% of the time but there are still those moments when it gets to me.
Yesterday I made my decision, given my personality it wasn't really ever a choice. I'm putting myself all in. I'd rather have Happily ever 4 months, than nothing at all.
My belief has always been to experience anything and everything that you have the opportunity to. Fall in love again and again, get your heart broken, find something that gives you pure joy and keep doing it, feel EVERYTHING! Because even the unpleasant feelings of being heart broken, sad, lost, even all those hurtful feelings will teach you something in your journey through life. Don't go through life half way people, take it to the limit and back again, never hold back because you could lose the chance for something great.
Choose to make everything epic never settle for mediocre, that's not living it's just existing.
I'm choosing epic, I can't speak for the other half of this equation but I'm choosing to live and experience this to the fullest possible. A half way life has never been for me. It's all or nothing.
Making it Epic,
Becky
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Gestures
It amazes me that there is so much that I don't fear in this world. I've had guns pointed at me, I've been shot at, I've jumped (voluntarily) out of an airplane, I've slid down a rope out of helicopter, I've dumped a motorcycle and slid 120 feet got back up and drove off, on and on and on the list continues of Bex death defying acts. One simple gesture of emotion has me ready to crawl under the bed and hide forever. I've never been so damned scared in my life. I think I'd rather be shot at again, it's easier. Seriously. If your getting shot at the adrenaline pumps and the survivor instinct takes over, easy! You make an emotional gesture and it fails epic, your emotionally shredded. The only instinct in that is to cry, be embarrassed and feel rejected.
I feel in my heart that this is not going to play out the way I'd like it to and that's where half of my anxiety comes from. I've been playing it out in my head and I think I'm okay with it ending in the way that it's been explained to me but there's always that little piece of me that hopes something will change before now and then. 99.9% of the time I'm just happy in the situation, truly. I'm fabulous with just letting it all flow naturally. Sharing space, sharing time comes as easy as breathing and feels as natural. However, the last time it felt as easy as breathing I choked on it. So that makes it a tad bit scary but again it's not something that generally crosses my thoughts so I don't stress it.
Now though I've taken the time and energy to put forth a gesture of my feelings and I'm terrified that small gesture will be politely accepted and then the "Talk" will commence soon after. The talk about the unreciprocated feelings and not looking into the comfort of the situation and etc etc etc.
Ya know I fought with the decision over this stupid gesture for days and finally just came to the decision that fuck it, let's just go balls to the wall, consequences be damned, it'll be what it's meant to be. Yeah, see that hill? I'm gonna take that hill in blind force and fortify that bitch of a hill, HOOAH!!!!!
Then I'm going to curl up in my fortification on my hill and wish I hadn't made the damn decision.
becky<3
I feel in my heart that this is not going to play out the way I'd like it to and that's where half of my anxiety comes from. I've been playing it out in my head and I think I'm okay with it ending in the way that it's been explained to me but there's always that little piece of me that hopes something will change before now and then. 99.9% of the time I'm just happy in the situation, truly. I'm fabulous with just letting it all flow naturally. Sharing space, sharing time comes as easy as breathing and feels as natural. However, the last time it felt as easy as breathing I choked on it. So that makes it a tad bit scary but again it's not something that generally crosses my thoughts so I don't stress it.
Now though I've taken the time and energy to put forth a gesture of my feelings and I'm terrified that small gesture will be politely accepted and then the "Talk" will commence soon after. The talk about the unreciprocated feelings and not looking into the comfort of the situation and etc etc etc.
Ya know I fought with the decision over this stupid gesture for days and finally just came to the decision that fuck it, let's just go balls to the wall, consequences be damned, it'll be what it's meant to be. Yeah, see that hill? I'm gonna take that hill in blind force and fortify that bitch of a hill, HOOAH!!!!!
Then I'm going to curl up in my fortification on my hill and wish I hadn't made the damn decision.
becky<3
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Sometimes
Sometimes I have to wonder if it could ever be like the pretty pictures that I paint for us in my mind. Sometimes I have to wonder if you regret the words that you speak to me at night when you see them in the morning light. Sometimes my heart races at the sound of the phone or a knock at the door because sometimes I think it might be you.
Sometimes I thumb through the memories of you like the pages in my photo albums. Replaying every single moment, every word spoken, every laugh, every kiss.
Sometimes my mind is able to block the harsh words that you through at me. Sometimes I'm able to forget the heartache and sometimes I can look forward to imaginary possibilities.
Sometimes I can believe that you could be my one. Sometimes.
Sometimes I thumb through the memories of you like the pages in my photo albums. Replaying every single moment, every word spoken, every laugh, every kiss.
Sometimes my mind is able to block the harsh words that you through at me. Sometimes I'm able to forget the heartache and sometimes I can look forward to imaginary possibilities.
Sometimes I can believe that you could be my one. Sometimes.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
The Spiral
Sometimes your life spirals out of control and you never saw it coming. And then there are times it spirals out of control, you see every inch of the spiral in minute detail in crystal clarity. So that the destruction of your reality will forever be in violent contrast to every good moment from that point forward. A smile, a loving touch will be shadowed throughout your existence by the recollection of the spiral. It won't matter if a heart is given to you, the love from another will never replace the love for yourself lost in the downward spiral Instead of letting the spiral go, to move on and move forward, you've conceded to let it envelope your soul and consume what was once a beautiful soul. Sometimes something broken can never be fixed no matter how much another wishes it differently.
BEX
BEX
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Chaos and Candy Hearts
Welcome Faithful Readers! You are already familiar with Chaos and Candy, I'd like to introduce you to Chaos and Candy Hearts. I hope that you will be as faithful to this page as you are to my other. Let me first tell you that the reason for the separate blog is that I enjoy writing my witty little take on things around me, current events, politics and all that jazz but I don't feel comfortable putting my inner turbulence, emotions, creative writings in that forum. To me the two don't always mix well. And I'm sure that some of my readers aren't interested in some of the more emotional blogs that I've written. Allot of times if I don't get my feelings out of my head then I self destruct, this will hopefully prevent that. Now there are times when I have referenced people that I am in a relationship with, people that have feelings for me, so on and so forth and I've been blasted for it. I will not use real names unless given permission. Except in the instance of certain individuals, Dave and best friends in general. If you don't want to know what I'm feeling, don't read it. No one is forcing you to be here, there's the door isn't it pretty, use it. My goal in this blog is not for your benefit it's for mine. Having said that, I do hope that there are at least some people in the Universe interested in me as an individual, as a humanish creature, as an individual that is always ruled by my emotions. It's the core element in my being, my emotions.
I've found that my feelings are very much so more intense than most every one else on this spinning ball of mud, a fact that sometimes makes my individuality that much more isolating and lonely. People in general take that intensity in the wrong context, throw a label on me and move on with out getting to know how it works, how I work. I'm not the crazy girl in Wedding Crashers, I'm not Michael Douglas in Falling Down. I will not tell you that I love in you in 5 days or less and I will not stab you in your sleep because you didn't call me. I will not send you 47 texts or stalk you. Intensity in the context of my emotions does mean that I tend to feel things more deeply than most people. Over the years I've discovered ways to channel that excess of emotion into my creative endeavors, among other things and it has become easier to be me. Discovering certain things about myself and the way that I process my feelings has led to a level of self awareness that is empowering. I have never been so very comfortable in my own skin, my core of being is a very peaceful place. It's taken allot of struggle and allot of heartache to get to this place but I made it.
It still disturbs my zen when I get someone that doesn't take the time to actually get to know me, assumes and then tosses me away. Very rarely does this bother me as most people just don't affect me at all, for that reason alone I don't find it personally offensive. However the brush with that back in October is still having a bit of a backlash. I'm still angry a bit by that whole situation not because it hurt me but because that person projected their insecurity, fear, and self esteem issues on to me, twisted and tried to make it my fault in the lamest way possible to avoid feeling the guilt and taking personal responsibility for their own feelings. The part that does make me feel bad is that I lost a friend of 20 years, but obviously I thought more of friendship in general because he's the one that discarded it.
I think that you would be surprised by how often the individuality not just in physical appearance but in personality isolates me from other people. Why don't I just conform my appearance and bury my feelings and outspoken intense personality, you ask? A reasonable question. Because I can't. It physically and emotionally is painful for me to attempt it. Because I won't. I've changed my whole being for others, I've changed for professional reasons and I don't believe it's necessary for me to change the person that I am, I refuse to sacrifice my whole being for anything or anyone. I have no need to be accepted by a society that will judge me by my physical appearance and not by that which truly matters such as my ability to love unconditionally, my honor, loyalty without limitations, friendship without boundaries. These are the things that matter, the beauty of my soul not the color of my hair, my honesty and respect not my nail polish. I want people to look at these values that I would die for, to look deeper without preconceived prejudice. But if they choose not to love me for my individuality and discard me for societal discriminations than I honestly could care less because obviously they aren't worth my minimum level of attention.
I do have a specific blog I would like to write in reference to a friends decision that's somehow getting laid at my feet but I've been writing all day and I need a break now, lol.
Haven't come up with a good closing line for this blog yet, any ideas?
Bex
I've found that my feelings are very much so more intense than most every one else on this spinning ball of mud, a fact that sometimes makes my individuality that much more isolating and lonely. People in general take that intensity in the wrong context, throw a label on me and move on with out getting to know how it works, how I work. I'm not the crazy girl in Wedding Crashers, I'm not Michael Douglas in Falling Down. I will not tell you that I love in you in 5 days or less and I will not stab you in your sleep because you didn't call me. I will not send you 47 texts or stalk you. Intensity in the context of my emotions does mean that I tend to feel things more deeply than most people. Over the years I've discovered ways to channel that excess of emotion into my creative endeavors, among other things and it has become easier to be me. Discovering certain things about myself and the way that I process my feelings has led to a level of self awareness that is empowering. I have never been so very comfortable in my own skin, my core of being is a very peaceful place. It's taken allot of struggle and allot of heartache to get to this place but I made it.
It still disturbs my zen when I get someone that doesn't take the time to actually get to know me, assumes and then tosses me away. Very rarely does this bother me as most people just don't affect me at all, for that reason alone I don't find it personally offensive. However the brush with that back in October is still having a bit of a backlash. I'm still angry a bit by that whole situation not because it hurt me but because that person projected their insecurity, fear, and self esteem issues on to me, twisted and tried to make it my fault in the lamest way possible to avoid feeling the guilt and taking personal responsibility for their own feelings. The part that does make me feel bad is that I lost a friend of 20 years, but obviously I thought more of friendship in general because he's the one that discarded it.
I think that you would be surprised by how often the individuality not just in physical appearance but in personality isolates me from other people. Why don't I just conform my appearance and bury my feelings and outspoken intense personality, you ask? A reasonable question. Because I can't. It physically and emotionally is painful for me to attempt it. Because I won't. I've changed my whole being for others, I've changed for professional reasons and I don't believe it's necessary for me to change the person that I am, I refuse to sacrifice my whole being for anything or anyone. I have no need to be accepted by a society that will judge me by my physical appearance and not by that which truly matters such as my ability to love unconditionally, my honor, loyalty without limitations, friendship without boundaries. These are the things that matter, the beauty of my soul not the color of my hair, my honesty and respect not my nail polish. I want people to look at these values that I would die for, to look deeper without preconceived prejudice. But if they choose not to love me for my individuality and discard me for societal discriminations than I honestly could care less because obviously they aren't worth my minimum level of attention.
I do have a specific blog I would like to write in reference to a friends decision that's somehow getting laid at my feet but I've been writing all day and I need a break now, lol.
Haven't come up with a good closing line for this blog yet, any ideas?
Bex
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